Born Again

Born Again

I am a flake. A flakey flake. All my life I have been deeply engrossed in certain things, projects, studies, relationships and jobs, only to abandon everything all of the sudden. There were often pretty obvious reasons for that. My mental health declined terribly so I had to drop out of university. I quit a job because it was too taxing. Or my feelings for someone had vanished so it made sense to end the relationship. But a lot of times, I didn’t have a clear idea about what was going on and why I was suddenly losing all interest and motivation, why there was no more passion or emotional connection to the thing that had meant so much to me.

Losing Interest

So when I lost interest, passion and the emotional connection to my blog, I panicked. Because I wasn’t necessarily in a deep depression, nor had anything major happened that would explain my sudden disinterest. And the weirdest thing was that I also lost interest in sex at the same time. Maybe that is the wrong way to describe it. I felt absolutely disgusted and appalled by my own body, to the extent that I once again couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, look down when taking a shower. And my libido disappeared.

Usually, I am someone who is quickly up for sex, even begging for it. But I was absolutely indifferent towards sex. I didn’t need it. I still wanted to please my Master, my relationship with him was still deeply important to me. Our sexlife had never worked that way though. He needs to feel that I want it, that I have a need for it, for it to be pleasurable for him. And I didn’t want to get off. The times we tried, the orgasms were subdued, unnecessary. So not only did I lose the passion for my blog, I also felt disconnected from my body.

Figuring it out

There I was, not understanding what was going on. I am usually pretty self-aware and can figure out my emotions and reactions. And when I can’t, I panic because something is off and I don’t have any explanation for it. I tried to find the depression symptoms, I tried to look for triggers, for reasons. After weeks of thinking and reflections, I might have finally figured it out. Not might have, I have figured it out.

The disconnection from my blog had been going on for a longer while. I know that it has been chewed through over and over, but we all lost the sense of community. The whole blow-up, transphobia, bullying, threats, really took the air out of the sexblogging community. And I had lost the safe space I felt I needed to be able to express myself. I have moved on from it, and grown from it, which I think most of us have. But it still didn’t feel right for a long time, and to be able to be vulnerable like many of us with our blogs, it needs to feel safe to do so. Things felt different. Change is hard and I needed to feel safe again.

Add to that that my sexdrive was at about zero, and my body image was a very negative one, and it makes sense why I abandoned the blog for a while. It wasn’t like I lost my passion, it was more that I had lost the things that had motivated me to write.

I had nothing to write about that was sex-related and this is a sexblog after all. I pushed and pushed, and I tried, but I was dried out (pun pun!), both mentally and physically. It is sad really, because I limited myself by only wanting to write about sex, worrying that I would lose my audience if I wrote about other things. And then trying to pressure myself to take pictures when I literally cried about how fat, disgusting, old and terrible I looked when seeing myself in the mirror, was not a very healthy thing to do.

Wanting to

But here I am again. I am not pressuring myself. The reason why I am able to take pictures again is that I listened to myself. I needed to feel the need to do it, the willingness, the interest, the passion. So the other week, I started to plan some shoots and they just didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to be. But that didn’t matter. What mattered was that I wanted to again.

And finally I came up with something that represented who I am at the moment, a way to feel sexy without being too bold, showing too much. And it worked out. Because I adapted and listened. And it was fun too. I don’t look at my most recent pictures and am appalled. I am satisfied with the result, the outfit, the position, the setting, the edit. Does that mean that I am over my negative body image? Nah. But it means that I have worked around it, and with that, I have been able to find my passion again.

And the same thing sort of happened with my writing. I have been slowly reworking the book I had been writing on. Also, here I am, writing a proper blogpost. I remember a chat I had with a friend about rebranding my blog as a lifestyle blog so I would feel more comfortable to write about things that are not sex-related. And I am okay writing about sex again, I think, but I should also not feel like I can’t write about other things.

I got so caught up in my head about branding and that I would lose my readership if I suddenly wrote about other things on my mind. But this is my space. And I can use it for whatever I want to. It is always primarily going to be a sexblog, but there is nothing wrong with showing the world other parts of my life, than what is under my clothes or what happens in my bedroom.

I feel like I am in a much better place when it comes to my blog. So I am just going with the flow for now, but the block that I had felt, seems to have lifted. I can write when I want to. And about what I want to as well. I can take pictures when I feel the inspiration. No pressure but more pushing myself to use the inspiration and motivation that I have. This is my space, the validation of others is lovely, but in the end it is about creating something that comes from a place of passion.

New Me

Stressors, Triggers and Burn-Out

That explains and opens up the blogging issue. But what actually happened that made me lose my interest in sex, and blogging in the first place? This is where it gets complicated. You could say that life got in the way, and that is sort of true. Most of January, and the beginning of February, I was really busy with moving. It was really stressful as we had to do it all on our own.

And the weeks after, I was burnt out. I don’t have a lot of energy to begin with, and it really sucked it all out of me. At the same time, I went through a lot of other stressors and triggers. I know that it might sound silly, but the whole Marilyn Manson drama really forced me to re-evaluate a lot of my past life and I had to come to terms with that someone who for most of my life had guided me through difficult times, is a sadistic abuser. And then I also found out and had to deal with that my sister was stuck in an abusive relationship. And yet again, I realized that my own healing would need to take a lot of energy and consistency, something I don’t have.

I tried out therapy for a month. It was online, via video, and the therapist was nice enough. But she also made it clear that she didn’t think that she should be the only person supporting me because I am such a complex case. It didn’t work out because I am really bad at opening up and talking about myself, at being vulnerable. And the money spent on the therapy felt like a waste. In the end, this actually led me into a depression because I felt so hopeless and helpless. I didn’t have the energy to work on getting better, and just a few appointments made me feel absolutely burnt out.

Now it would make sense that my lack of sexdrive and want for sex were caused by the stress and triggers. That life and its tribulations got in the way. But it really wasn’t. Because in the past, it didn’t matter where I was mentally, I always wanted to fuck. I was down with it, it was a fun distraction, no matter bipolar episode or triggers that day. But hey ho, this time it was different. And now I know why.

Born Again

This is going to get complicated, so bear with me! As most of my readers know, I suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder). One of the main symptoms is that you don’t have one coherent personality, that you are not a single person. Instead, you are made out of a system of alters (personalities) that have come into being due to terrible childhood trauma.

Each alter holds different memories and has their own personality, likes, behaviours and such. They are their own person. And they can all front (be the person interacting with the world) at different times, together (co-conscious) or have passive influence. If your brain once has created an alter to hold terrible memories and to handle certain situations, it will use that coping strategy again if needed. That is why it is really uncommon for anyone with DID to only have one alter, most have several, with different functions, skills, memories, and traumas. If you have been able to follow me so far, yay you!

One of the functions can be the “host”, being the person fronting and interacting with the world the most, and making most of the system’s and body’s decisions. Hosts can change over time, it rarely is the same alter for one lifetime. There are over 30 alters in our system, and we have had the same alter hosting for about three years. But with all the stressors, the burn out, the triggers, a new alter got created, and that alter became the host. Complicated. They don’t have the same needs and preferences as the old host, and one of the main differences is the lack of interest in sex.

The focus is instead on improving our quality of life, to do things in real life, to try therapy, to heal, to not get stuck. Boom. Now it all makes sense. The lack of interest in sex, in blogging, the sudden hate for the body again, the different priorities. It was actually our Master who discovered the new alter, asking: “Who are you?”. Mind blown.

I am not that alter. I am the old host. But the good thing is that the system works differently now. We don’t communicate much still, and we hate talking about all things DID (so this is really a huge exception). But the new host is softer and more accepting, and allows parts to come out when they have needs that can be met. And with that gate now opened, the needs and passions returned. What does that mean? It means that I can write the blog, that we can take pictures. And that when a need can be met, it will be met.

This realization has helped a lot with the sexlife as well. Both my Master and I realized that there is no need to always focus on “finishing”. We both love the playing-part of sex the most anyway. So we are slowly returning to spending more physical time with each other. The last two days, there was just a lot of play, a lot of touching, slowly building up, instead of waiting until one of us wants to fuck, and then missing each other’s cues. It is way more fun to play, and then see where it leads.

It is about leaving the gate open and if someone feels the needs, they will be there. And there is always someone who wants to be touched, hurt, played with. And that doesn’t have to be the host. I think that can really be applied to most relationships that struggle with their sexlife, or when the libido is being nowhere to be found, that spending time together and having an open mind without pressure, really is the best approach.

I am glad that I have started to understand things again. It all makes sense again. Life can be confusing in so many ways. My ways might be more confusing than others, but reflection and self-awareness have led me to a place where I can start again. And because I am in such a different place than I was in 2018 when everything fell apart yet again, the DID was discovered and I had to start over. This time I don’t need to start over, I can just approach things differently. No passions lost, no relationships ruined. However much my life seems like a huge fuck-up, I am glad that I am able to understand things differently now.

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24 Responses

  1. Cynthia Zuercher says:

    Thank you so much for this post! I have a relative w Dissociative syndrome. It is good to understand!

  2. MrsK says:

    Good to see you Devie!
    Love this image. The wig (?) is fabulous .
    I have been having a tough go for a few months now too. While our journeys are different, I appreciate your openness here and relate (as much as I can from another vessel). You’re strong and capable. On days when things are tough, let that be enough! (Easier said than done, I know).

    • *waves* Yasss, it is a wig. I got annoyed with my hair so I bought a few wigs for the days I have the urge to shave it all off again, haha.

      Thank you so much for your kind words! I really hope things will look up for you soon, too!

  3. Mrs Fever says:

    I’m glad you were able to figure out what was going on with/in you/r-system and find a way forward. Sometimes it really does just take the right person asking the right question. 🙂

    And as for rebranding — you do You, in whatever way suits you. You’re absolutely right that this is YOUR space; you may do with it as you please.

    I don’t do social media so I don’t have any of that (loss-of) community to contend with — at least in that format — but…

    If it makes any difference: I’ve never confined myself to writing (only/strictly) sex on my blog and I don’t think it makes any difference; there are people who will read everything no matter what the topic, and people who will only interact on the sex/y posts, and people who are super engaged in all/only the not-sex stuff. And if I change focus for a while, longtime readers may be quiet but it’s equally likely that new readers might wave their hands and say hello.

    • Thank you for your kind words! And what you say makes sense, because whatever we write, there might always be someone who reads it. Some people come for the sex, others for the pictures, and yet others for the more personal or philosophical posts. I really need to free myself a little from the chains I have created. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective, it made me feel more relaxed about what I can do with this blog!

  4. So good to see you back, Devie, and that you have a new understanding of your system, or a understanding of the new system. It certainly makes for fascinating reading, although I of course know suffering from the disorder is in no way fascinating at all, so please don’t see it as me trying to “belittle” you in any way. It’s just that I learn so much from reading your post, and reading about DID.
    And yes, so much yes, this IS your space and you can write anything you want to, whether sex or not. I look forward to continue reading.
    ~ Marie

    • I am glad that I can help spread understanding. I don’t find fascinating to be the worst, if it also leads to understanding. I do dislike when it leads to romanticsation and people wanting to have it, all of the sudden. Because it is so “cool” to have a system. Because it is not. It is rather annoying, lol.

      You were the one who suggested I should think about making it into a lifestyle blog, and while I might not do that, it still made me think about how much I limited myself! Thank you for your kind words, as always, Marie!

  5. Lisa Stone says:

    This is how I felt your condition when I did not find you day after day. I am glad that you have overcome this period and are ready to move on. As for the blog. Of course, I am not an authority in this area, but I have long wanted to tell this community: do not neglect other topics that are not related to sex or only indirectly. I noticed that when such topics accidentally break through in the posts of sex bloggers, it generates even more interest both in the blog itself and in the personality of the blogger. So, your thoughts are on the right track. Feel free to use it to the fullest.
    And by the way, why did you (sex bloggers) decide that there are people who think about sex 24/7?

    • Thanks! I think you ae right, you know. We all put too much emphasis on that we need to fit into one particular category, but we really don’t have to. People who actually follow our creations want to know what we have to say, and most likely aren’t interested in a niche thing anyway. Because the majority of people does not think about sex 24/7.

  6. May More says:

    Awesome image – and yes things we do are funny – remember your blog is yours – like it or not – be passionate or not – it is your blog – write when u want – love it when u want – leave it when u are tired – u don’t need to fit anywhere – always a choice 😉

    • Thank you! Yeah they are. I think I am just often stuck in what other people would expect while forgetting that what makes my blog successful, and what makes it fun for me, is to be myself, and just be open, honest and not hold back. And if I don’t feel sexy, or sexual, or have some serious shit going, then it is okay to write about that too. We will see how it goes. Thanks for your reassuring words!

  7. Jae Lynn says:

    So happy to see you writing Devie! I stopped blogging for awhile, different reasons, but I understand the frustration. It is hard to get back into something when you’ve essentially boxed yourself into a specific type. Like you have said those that follow don’t necessarily follow for one thing. I am glad you and your Master were able to recognize what happened and are working through it, one day at a time.

    • Jae! Omg, you here. I have missed you, gal! I hope you are back into writing too, I shall check out your blog later. I think the most important thing is that I just do what I want to do. Because this is supposed to be a personal, often sexy, and honest place for me to be creative and let it all out!

  8. HisLordship says:

    Good to see have climbed back on the blogging horse again!

  9. missy says:

    This post made so much sense to me and I could totally relate to what you were saying about the loss of interest in blogging and sex at the same time. For me there is also a clear link so it was helpful to read and see how you managed it. I don’t have DID so that part was a real insight for me which I am always grateful for as I do really want to learn. I can’t begin to imagine what it feels like to have a system or to host or have a new host but I am really pleased that you managed to work it all out and find a way forward for all of you. As for your blog, I agree with the comments above. People read because they like you and your writing style. I think to write about other things works and I feel that I have always learnt more from your blog than just about sex. You make me think and I love that; while some may come for certain things, others are a loyal audience.

    • It is frustrating when two things that seem important in our lives suddenly are on the backburner. I mean, it makes sense that when the sexlife isn’t as active, then it is difficult to write about sex and intimacy too.

      Thank you, Missy. DID is hard to explain to other people because it is just very much outside the realm of what people usually can comprehend. And I definitely have come to a place where I see this space as my own space, so I can do what I want with it, really.

  10. Hey Devie, this was such an informative post. It is incredibly brave and generous of you to share your personal journey with us in this way. I always learn from what you share and (from comments) I’m not alone.
    You’re right to write about what brings passion to you – I cannot write on command, or to every prompt I see. It causes writers block to try creating what you don’t feel. Since the drama in the blogging community I have discarded certain things I used to feel comfortable sharing, but expanded into completely other areas, letting my creativity lead me. I am delighted you feel able to do the same.
    I’m so glad your master could help you see what was happening with your DID – your explanation would seem to hit the nail on the head – there is a kind of logic to it as a coping strategy.
    Your blog audience will most definitely be interested in you showing new facets of yourself and, as others have said, you’ll be entertaining a mixture of loyal and new visitors. The important thing is filling YOUR space with what interests you.
    ~Go you Devie xx (but don’t push yourself too hard)

    • Posy, hey! Thank you! I am grateful for your encouraging words, and while I can write on command on whatever (which I think is a special skill lol), it isn’t always fun to do that. I rather want to look at prompts and see if I feel passionate about it, and the leave it be if I don’t feel a fire inside of me. I am glad to hear that you have found a way that works for you, and that helped you reconnect with your writing in a meaningful way.
      Thank you for your kind comment, Posy <3

  1. April 24, 2021

    […] Born Again by Deviant SuccubusDS shares how her lack of passion for blogging and sharing her delicious images was tied to her Dissociative Identity Disorder. Losing interest isn’t simply from burnout and Devie does a brilliant job explaining how she found her passions again. I felt a connection to how Devie has been feeling as I have struggled with my blogging the past few months for different reason. […]

  2. June 30, 2021

    […] is an insecurity and a loss of direction. I have written about how some of it can be linked to my Dissociative Identity Disorder, with new power structures within me. Maybe there is even more to it. Because I have a million small fires burning at the moment. All […]

  3. July 7, 2021

    […] existence as a host (or am I the host? I don’t even know anymore. I wrote about it.) is just as valid and important as everyone else’s in the system. So my needs and wants are […]

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