Panta Rei – All Things are in Flux
This has been such an odd year for me. I still can’t really put my finger on what exactly is happening with me. I am usually able to hold on to a certain level on consistency in my life. There are things that I can prioritize and that I can always push myself to do. Things that I love doing, that are good for my well-being, or that I feel a huge passion for. But this year everything has been so disconnected for me and somehow without direction. It is frustrating when I can’t hold on to that little grain of consistency that has always kept me going. Add to that the pandemic, life changes and a confusing sex life and I am just lost. Maybe I’m missing something to hold on? Something that I know will always be consistently safe and positive for me? I really don’t know.
This isn’t even about my blog. I have come to accept that blogging is a sporadic pleasure for me at the moment. I don’t want to put any pressure on myself when it comes to my writing. It needs to flow, it needs to feel right. I don’t want to have negative emotions connected to it. Writing is something positive for me and I don’t want to change that. So I am sort of adapting to the flows of my creativity when it comes both to my photography and my writing. I could say that I value quality over quantity but that isn’t really it. I just didn’t have the confidence to take pictures. And I didn’t feel an inner push to write. And that is okay. Right now I feel differently about it and who knows, blogging will become one of the consistent things in my life again. If not, then that is alright too.
But the way my blog works right now is a reflection of this year for me. There is a certain lack of focus. There is an insecurity and a loss of direction. I have written about how some of it can be linked to my Dissociative Identity Disorder, with new power structures within me. Maybe there is even more to it. Because I have a million small fires burning at the moment. All parts of me, all urges, want to have an outlet. I write, I create art and sign up for projects. I go out more, try to exercise and be healthy. I am trying hard to be visible on social media, to hold on to social connections. I am moderating a huge mental health group on Facebook. I am freelancing writing and making more money than I have ever done before. I am planning travels, I bought lots of concert tickets for gigs in the autumn. I am looking into volunteering with the homeless. And I just signed up for a university class on the indigenous nations of Canada. And then there is my blog too. So many fires burning.
I don’t even feel like I am burning myself out. It is more like that instead of putting all my effort into a few things as I did before, I now do so many things, and none is my major direction in life. My Master mentioned progress the other day. How I don’t recognize the progress I have made. But progress in what, losing focus? I have a million things I want to do, so I do a million things. But I am not really doing what I am supposed to do: get help for my mental health. Or find a way to make steady money. Or build up a proper support system. I am in so many “communities” and I am not the same person in any of them. It is just all so unfocused.
Again, I get that it is mostly my mental health that is influencing how things go for me. I fell into depression in mid-May. It is just the way that my bipolar disorder works. But I still managed to push. Sure, I couldn’t do as much as before, but my life didn’t fall apart. Now that the depression is lifting, I have started a few new fires. Instead of focus, I dilute everything even more.
For years, my goal has been to have a good quality of life. Because that is really all you can wish for when you are chronically ill. But there is this need to still live a properly functioning life too. Friends, work, the ability to take care of myself. None of that is working out for me. And I am upset about it. Just today, I really put myself down for not being able to do such a silly thing as to go out and buy some oatmilk. My anxiety was too strong, there were so many hurdles to overcome. I really needed the milk for my coffee but nope. I couldn’t. So I was left with a feeling of shame and self-hatred. I wish I could see the progress that my Master is seeing. I just see an unfocused mess.
And all of this is reflected not only on this blog, but also when it comes to my sex life. I feel this huge disconnect. I know that it could be about that the needs within me changed. But it sometimes really freaks me out. I want to have sex. I want to play. I want orgasms. But when I try those things, I feel nothing. My body isn’t mine, I am absolutely disconnected from it. Sometimes it even goes so far, that I dissociate so strongly, that there seems to be a huge wall between me and all physical sensations. Now, I have struggled with dissociation my whole life. But this is a new thing, this absolute disconnect, this wall. Whenever that happens, I try so hard to ground. And it doesn’t work. I eventually get out of it but I have no clue how to actively do something about it.
There comes a huge frustration with it. I want to feel things, but I can’t. I have a memory of how pleasurable things can be. I feel the need to experience them again. But more often than not, orgasms feel dull, consensual pain is uncomfortable and I rather want penetration to be over than to continue. And of course that also affects my partner. He lost some of his confidence. Things don’t flow as easily anymore. Sometimes we still have amazing play and sex, other times I almost feel the need to play along, just to not disappoint him once again.
We communicate. And I know that this unfocused me, this inconsistency is hard on him too. Being with me had always been about flexibility and surprises. But our sex life was pretty consistent. Now he has a hard time reading me, and doesn’t know when he can push or when he should leave me alone. Sex and the D/s is really one of the main areas where I desperately want to feel a sort of consistency again. But I don’t know how. I suddenly feel disconnected to my body, although I have the need to be touched. When I get touched, I don’t feel anything. I want to please my Master but he wants me to want it. It doesn’t please him when it isn’t pleasurable for me. So what am I supposed to do?
I don’t know how much of all of this is related to my Dissociative Identity Disorder. Maybe some of it is progress and just necessary change. Because in the end, the best of quality of life is when as many of your needs as possible are met. But should the price be that the things that are most important to me, aren’t prioritized anymore? Maybe I am not the one who is deciding on priorities anymore. Maybe it is all about equally important, but smaller, fires now. Let’s be real, things always move forward, change always happens. We can never go back to who we were just a second ago. Panta rei.