Use Me Already: A Submissive’s Rant
I have a weird issue. Well, weird in the sense of that most vanilla-inclined people would raise an eyebrow or two at me voicing these concerns. I feel like my partner is too kind sometimes. He takes consent too seriously and always wants to make sure that I enjoy what we are doing in the bedroom. It sounds like an odd problem indeed, doesn’t it? Well, to me, as a submissive, it is quite a frustrating issue. Let me tell you why.
No, wait, I think I need to make something clear first. I love consent. I think consent is superimportant and I am a huge advocate for consensual sex. It is so much of an important factor to me, that I write explicit consent into all of my erotic stories. I find consent sexy. Okay, now that I got that out of the way, maybe I should explain how consent works in my relationship.
I am in a D/s relationship: that means that I am the submissive, and my husband is the Dominant. I call him my Master. He calls me his puppet. When we started dating and engaging in sexual play, we talked through limits and came up with a safeword. We talk and communicate a lot in our relationship. Of course not everything is perfect, and there are some not so sexy friction points. But generally, we have a pretty awesome connection built on trust, honesty and open communication.
And because we are in a committed relationship, we don’t always discuss consent before play. It is a given. And he knows me so well by now that he can be sure of that I would use the safeword if something was utterly wrong. Actually, I have given him general consent. That means that he can use my body whenever he pleases. I love the idea of my body only being there for his pleasure, for him to get off. I like being objectified like that, and my body reduced to being nothing more than a sex toy.
My Kink: Being Used
I know that it is not a kink for everyone. But it is my kink. One of my favourite kinky kinks: to be used. It even plays into consensual non-consensual fantasies that I have. So I am very happy that we have this understanding. Only, he doesn’t make use of it. He doesn’t just take what is his. He doesn’t just throw me on the bed, pulls down my pants and starts fucking me when he is horny. And that frustrates me.
He is a kind person. He is a caretaker Dom, which means he loves taking care of me, making sure that I am okay, and getting appreciation for the care that he gives me. And that is lovely, I am very happy with that part of our relationship. I know that I am not easy to deal with when I am struggling and I will forever be in his debt for the kind things that he does for me.
But in the bedroom, I don’t want kindness. I don’t want consideration. Really, I want to be fucked, used, hurt and taking raw. I want to feel alive, alive for his pleasure. For him to play with. I am a submissive masochist, and he is a sadistic dominant. We are a great fit in the bedroom. Unless the caretaker part of him takes over.
I mean, I get it. He can’t just forget about my struggles. And most of the time, he lets his sadistic side run free. And I love those moments. I feel safest with him then, because I allow him to mark and hurt my body. To play with me and do with me what he wants. And I kind of appreciate when he sometimes asks if I am okay, when I turn silent, for instance.
He is a kind man. And he has been taught by society that you can’t just force yourself on a woman. I love that. He knows what is morally right and wrong. He finds consent important, and he always tries to read me. But I don’t always need that. Because those rules don’t apply when I have given him consent to do with me as he pleases. He doesn’t need to concern himself with if I am aroused, or ready, or if I am busy with something else right now.
I don’t need to use the headache excuse, I have the safeword. If anything happens that I really really don’t want to happen, I have a way to let him know. But it is maybe ingrained in him, to make sure I am into it too. But I don’t need him to think that way. I don’t want him to think that way. Instead, I want him to see my body as a toy for him to be pleasured with.
Glittery Submissive Rain: Submission and Being Used
You might at this point think that my need sounds really unhealthy. But it isn’t. I need to explain more. There are so many different ways of pleasure, not only sexual pleasure. I love orgasms, love love love them. I can’t get enough of them. Pure sexual pleasure. But as a submissive, I also feel submissive pleasure. It is kind of feeling of reward in my mind. When I have done a good job, and I get to hear the “good girl” from my Master, it is like a rain of colourful glitter starting in my brain. It touches my soul, it soothes my soul.
My body being used when he wants to, not when I am ready or have shown sexual interest, is the ultimate submissive reward for me. The knowledge that my body belongs to him, that his pleasure goes before mine, and that I can please him by being available? That would set off not only glittery rain, but also rainbows.
I understand that there is a barrier that he needs help to overcome. And I wouldn’t want him to lose any of his kindness, his appropriate views on relationships and how consent works. He is an awesome person, and I really don’t want him to change for me. But I think I need to find a way to help him understand that there actually is consent, and that it is pleasurable for me, even if in the moment, I am not ready yet, not aroused yet, not prepared yet. Because the few times he did just take me when he felt the need, it didn’t even take 30 seconds for me to get wet and to enjoy what he was doing to me. Because my submissive needs are closely linked to my sexual needs: the moment my submissive reward system kicks in, my sexual desire awakens.