Mind-blowing Sex or the End of the Road – What’s Next?
I really don’t want to begin this post with some cliché bullshit about how life has been busy, I didn’t prioritize right, and hey, remember me, I am the crazy chick you used to dig. Because while part of that is true, and I do hope that some people remember me, I just fucking didn’t want to write. I felt like I had said it all on this blog, and my self-confidence has been on an all-time low for months now. I only take pictures sporadically at the moment, and most of the time, I just delete them again. Nothing has felt right, nothing feels right. But damn it, that’s not what I want!
Sometimes I am stuck in the fear that my times of sex and debauchery are over and in the past. I’m 40 years old now. I have lived now, I can retire. I am no MILF (got no kids) and no cougar (I am not chasing younger guys). I’m just older and maybe irrelevant. I am not saying that everyone over 40 is irrelevant, but I do feel like I am. Maybe I have said everything? But can you really ever have said everything about sex, about relationships, about mental health or other kinds of difficult topics? Maybe I am blocked, mentally and sexually.
Because here is the thing that I have realized: the less sexually stimulated I am, the less I want to write about sex. I don’t think about sex when I am not in the right space. I had been able to live in a basically sexless marriage for years, where my sexual needs were very low on my priority list, and I was okay with it. I didn’t need sex, I had all my other needs met. The reason why I didn’t need sex was also that my husband back then didn’t stimulate me. I was attracted to him, but he just didn’t put any effort in, didn’t take much initiative, so eventually we just got used to the no sex thing.
I wonder if I am starting to settle in a similar situation. I still have sex but the sex has become routine. If we haven’t had sex in a while, it feels almost like a nagging fear in my head, that I better please my Master’s sexual needs. But in all that, my needs have become unimportant. Not to him. They have become unimportant to me. I just go into sex thinking only about how I can make him get off. And I don’t mean it in the sense of that I want to get it over with. It is just that my own pleasure doesn’t count for me, I want to focus on his pleasure so he isn’t displeased with our relationship.
Sex is important to him, and it is to me too. But things have shifted a bit dynamic wise, our D/s is not very strong at the moment, and that makes it more difficult for him to get things started. He is stuck in his head, I am stuck in mine, and then we just end up not doing anything. We are both aware of this. We have talked about this. But we haven’t been able to change anything.
I want to be as self-reflective about this as possible and definitely don’t want to put all the blame on him. I have my mental and physical struggles, and I do have a bratty side that doesn’t always serve me well. I am aware of those things but in the past we were able to work around all that. I was still often low-key horny and craved play, sex, and orgasms. I don’t feel that need as much anymore. I could say it is my hormones, my age, my lack of self-confidence. Maybe a lot of my energy has gone into other endavours, hobbies, survival.
There have been some changes that might have influenced my libido, or me pushing down my sexual needs (subconsciously). My Master is at home 24/7 which means I am never alone. He works from home almost all the time now that he has a new job. I love that on so many levels. I love to have him around, I love to be able to give him a quick hug and kiss, that we can cook together and hang out. But it also gives me no space. I used to be the queen of masturbation. And now?
I haven’t masturbated in weeks. I can’t even remember the last time I did it. And part of the reason for that is that I don’t have the mental or physical space for it. We live in a small place with thin walls. And I feel iffy and embarrassed, and just not right, masturbating with him around. I wouldn’t be able to let go and just focus on me. I would think about doing it fast so the sound doesn’t bother him. I’d think about how it would make him feel that I’d rather masturbate than do something sexy together. I don’t know if I am the only one, but masturbating gives me a different satisfaction than sex. I don’t need to think about anyone else, just me. I do it exactly the way I like it. And my goal is definitely an orgasm. I can’t do any of that when he is in the next room.
Some months ago, he had a day at the office. I finally had the apartment to myself and naturally, eventually found myself watching porn and masturbating. It was really nice and I had needed that relief, that letting go just for me. But then later he told that he had watched me. We have a couple of cameras installed in our apartment, so he can see what I am up to (i.e. am I taking a nap or can he call me? Am I really eating or have I been lying?:). I had forgotten about those. The knowledge of him watching me wasn’t a turn on, it was an absolute turn off. Like, turned my cunt into a desert and gives me a panic attack turn off. Even after unplugging the camera, it still feels wrong. It felt like invading my privacy somehow. So even now, when he isn’t at home for a few hours because he is meeting someone, or running errands, I don’t feel comfortable masturbating. I double check if the camera is unplugged. And then I constantly worry that he will call and ask what I am up to. Or come home earlier. Not often being alone and the camera moment totally ruined masturbation for me. And it is fucking sad, because I used to be the queen of masturbation!
So the lack of masturbation hasn’t led to me exploding of sexual energy. My sexual energy is pushed down and being recycled into other things. Like cat pets, writing a letter, reading a book or doing art. But that constant low-key horniness was never only connected to masturbation. It was about his dominance, his need for me, constantly squeezing me, using me, playing with me. He has a new job and it keeps him incredibly busy. But that means less time for touch, for being physically close, for working on our D/s. Some days he has been working 18 hours. The lack of time, plus his very fluctuating abilities to believe in his own dominance, makes it hard to even initiate sex. And when he does, it needs to be quick, because either it is late or he is busy. He often claims that it is because of my physical issues, but he never really let that bother him in the past. So I am not sure what has changed.
It goes so far that I don’t want him to try to make me come. He is so used to me getting off fast, coming multiple times. And it doesn’t happen that way right now. The few times he tries to make me come with a toy, I feel so frustrated that it takes longer than usual, and then worried that it might affect his feelings of dominance which he is struggling with anyway, that I fake it. And then he realizes that I did, and a whole new can of worms get opened.
When we have sex, I am not horny in my mind, I am not sexual. I am aroused enough that I enjoy a cock inside me. But I am not over the top horny that I want to play for hours and be fucked from all directions. I don’t even want him to touch my clit, I don’t have a need for it, I don’t have a push for an orgasm. It would take me way longer than we have time for, to get there. It even feels uncomfortable when he tries to rub my clit. I just want to feel fucked, and him to come, and to feel like I am a good girl. There is a satisfaction in that. But it is way more mental than physical.
I assume that part of my lower libido has to do with my mental health and my hormones as well. But I definitely think that it could be worked around if I had the constant low-key level of horniness that I used to have – because I masturbated, because he acted dominant and we had a lot more physical touch. I don’t think one can return to the past, but we can learn from the past. I shouldn’t adapt to his busy work-schedule, and keep myself busy with hobbies. and silly things. I should interrupt him and make him understand what I need – his dominance. But I am absolutely terrible at taking the initiative. Well, bollocks. Am I ever going to have mind-blowing sex again or is this the end of the road for this succubus? Stay tuned.