Mind-blowing Sex or the End of the Road – What’s Next?
I really don’t want to begin this post with some cliché bullshit about how life has been busy, I didn’t prioritize right, and hey, remember me, I am the crazy chick you used to dig. Because while part of that is true, and I do hope that some people remember me, I just fucking didn’t want to write. I felt like I had said it all on this blog, and my self-confidence has been on an all-time low for months now. I only take pictures sporadically at the moment, and most of the time, I just delete them again. Nothing has felt right, nothing feels right. But damn it, that’s not what I want!
Sometimes I am stuck in the fear that my times of sex and debauchery are over and in the past. I’m 40 years old now. I have lived now, I can retire. I am no MILF (got no kids) and no cougar (I am not chasing younger guys). I’m just older and maybe irrelevant. I am not saying that everyone over 40 is irrelevant, but I do feel like I am. Maybe I have said everything? But can you really ever have said everything about sex, about relationships, about mental health or other kinds of difficult topics? Maybe I am blocked, mentally and sexually.
Because here is the thing that I have realized: the less sexually stimulated I am, the less I want to write about sex. I don’t think about sex when I am not in the right space. I had been able to live in a basically sexless marriage for years, where my sexual needs were very low on my priority list, and I was okay with it. I didn’t need sex, I had all my other needs met. The reason why I didn’t need sex was also that my husband back then didn’t stimulate me. I was attracted to him, but he just didn’t put any effort in, didn’t take much initiative, so eventually we just got used to the no sex thing.
I wonder if I am starting to settle in a similar situation. I still have sex but the sex has become routine. If we haven’t had sex in a while, it feels almost like a nagging fear in my head, that I better please my Master’s sexual needs. But in all that, my needs have become unimportant. Not to him. They have become unimportant to me. I just go into sex thinking only about how I can make him get off. And I don’t mean it in the sense of that I want to get it over with. It is just that my own pleasure doesn’t count for me, I want to focus on his pleasure so he isn’t displeased with our relationship.
Sex is important to him, and it is to me too. But things have shifted a bit dynamic wise, our D/s is not very strong at the moment, and that makes it more difficult for him to get things started. He is stuck in his head, I am stuck in mine, and then we just end up not doing anything. We are both aware of this. We have talked about this. But we haven’t been able to change anything.
I want to be as self-reflective about this as possible and definitely don’t want to put all the blame on him. I have my mental and physical struggles, and I do have a bratty side that doesn’t always serve me well. I am aware of those things but in the past we were able to work around all that. I was still often low-key horny and craved play, sex, and orgasms. I don’t feel that need as much anymore. I could say it is my hormones, my age, my lack of self-confidence. Maybe a lot of my energy has gone into other endavours, hobbies, survival.
There have been some changes that might have influenced my libido, or me pushing down my sexual needs (subconsciously). My Master is at home 24/7 which means I am never alone. He works from home almost all the time now that he has a new job. I love that on so many levels. I love to have him around, I love to be able to give him a quick hug and kiss, that we can cook together and hang out. But it also gives me no space. I used to be the queen of masturbation. And now?
I haven’t masturbated in weeks. I can’t even remember the last time I did it. And part of the reason for that is that I don’t have the mental or physical space for it. We live in a small place with thin walls. And I feel iffy and embarrassed, and just not right, masturbating with him around. I wouldn’t be able to let go and just focus on me. I would think about doing it fast so the sound doesn’t bother him. I’d think about how it would make him feel that I’d rather masturbate than do something sexy together. I don’t know if I am the only one, but masturbating gives me a different satisfaction than sex. I don’t need to think about anyone else, just me. I do it exactly the way I like it. And my goal is definitely an orgasm. I can’t do any of that when he is in the next room.
Some months ago, he had a day at the office. I finally had the apartment to myself and naturally, eventually found myself watching porn and masturbating. It was really nice and I had needed that relief, that letting go just for me. But then later he told that he had watched me. We have a couple of cameras installed in our apartment, so he can see what I am up to (i.e. am I taking a nap or can he call me? Am I really eating or have I been lying?:). I had forgotten about those. The knowledge of him watching me wasn’t a turn on, it was an absolute turn off. Like, turned my cunt into a desert and gives me a panic attack turn off. Even after unplugging the camera, it still feels wrong. It felt like invading my privacy somehow. So even now, when he isn’t at home for a few hours because he is meeting someone, or running errands, I don’t feel comfortable masturbating. I double check if the camera is unplugged. And then I constantly worry that he will call and ask what I am up to. Or come home earlier. Not often being alone and the camera moment totally ruined masturbation for me. And it is fucking sad, because I used to be the queen of masturbation!
So the lack of masturbation hasn’t led to me exploding of sexual energy. My sexual energy is pushed down and being recycled into other things. Like cat pets, writing a letter, reading a book or doing art. But that constant low-key horniness was never only connected to masturbation. It was about his dominance, his need for me, constantly squeezing me, using me, playing with me. He has a new job and it keeps him incredibly busy. But that means less time for touch, for being physically close, for working on our D/s. Some days he has been working 18 hours. The lack of time, plus his very fluctuating abilities to believe in his own dominance, makes it hard to even initiate sex. And when he does, it needs to be quick, because either it is late or he is busy. He often claims that it is because of my physical issues, but he never really let that bother him in the past. So I am not sure what has changed.
It goes so far that I don’t want him to try to make me come. He is so used to me getting off fast, coming multiple times. And it doesn’t happen that way right now. The few times he tries to make me come with a toy, I feel so frustrated that it takes longer than usual, and then worried that it might affect his feelings of dominance which he is struggling with anyway, that I fake it. And then he realizes that I did, and a whole new can of worms get opened.
When we have sex, I am not horny in my mind, I am not sexual. I am aroused enough that I enjoy a cock inside me. But I am not over the top horny that I want to play for hours and be fucked from all directions. I don’t even want him to touch my clit, I don’t have a need for it, I don’t have a push for an orgasm. It would take me way longer than we have time for, to get there. It even feels uncomfortable when he tries to rub my clit. I just want to feel fucked, and him to come, and to feel like I am a good girl. There is a satisfaction in that. But it is way more mental than physical.
I assume that part of my lower libido has to do with my mental health and my hormones as well. But I definitely think that it could be worked around if I had the constant low-key level of horniness that I used to have – because I masturbated, because he acted dominant and we had a lot more physical touch. I don’t think one can return to the past, but we can learn from the past. I shouldn’t adapt to his busy work-schedule, and keep myself busy with hobbies. and silly things. I should interrupt him and make him understand what I need – his dominance. But I am absolutely terrible at taking the initiative. Well, bollocks. Am I ever going to have mind-blowing sex again or is this the end of the road for this succubus? Stay tuned.
It’s good to see a post from you, even if it’s not a “good” post in terms of how you’re feeling. I certainly have no words of wisdom (not that you requested any!), but I have been in a non-sexual frame of mind for the entirety of my 40s thus far, so on that level I ‘get’ it.
One thing that comes to mind after reading this, though, is: Who is fronting right now? And is *that* having an impact on how you-re feeling?
It just sucks because it is not like I don’t care. I want to want sex, and I want a great sex life. It had been such a huge part of our relationship and it makes no sense that we have had this dryspell for so long. Maybe it is an age thing, a hormonal thing, a pre-menopausal thing. It probably at least contributes.
I think the less sexual stimulation there is, the less likely the more sexual parts are fronting. I definitely spoke for everyone, because in the end it is about our relationship, and sex had been so essential to it.
I can, indeed, relate! It’s hard to lose your sex drive, especially when it is integral to your relationship. I have often been in your shoes. When our sex life falls off the tracks, it’s easy for me to get out of the habit and stop caring about it or needing it. And if he isn’t being Dominant? Even easier. Dropping the ball is simple…but getting things back can be hard. You are still talking, though. And that is the important thing. And you want things to improve. That ebb and flow is just part of things for many relationships. But, I can see your point about the masturbation. I masturbate for the same reasons and need to be alone to do it. Having cameras would completely shut me down.
Good to see you writing, though. I think a lot of bloggers saw a dip in their sex lives and creative mojo this past year. But many are just now coming back.
It’s so good to see you!
I’m sorry you’re not feeling yourself and that 40 has made you feel anything less than the wonderful person you are (I turn 40 soon and have been feeling anxious about it myself).
Hopefully your usual levels of fulfillment will return soon, in all their glory.
Hey! Good to see you too!
I actually think that 40 is a major transitioning point for many, because if you don’t have your shit together, then when, eh? And you are definitely not young folk anymore 0.o I am sorry to hear that you can relate to that kind of anxiety too.
Hi Devie, so much of what you have written is very familiar, not just my own experiences but some I have read too. The lack of a desire to masturbate, a feeling of your needs being unimportant and not fulfilled leading to those needs being put in a box so they don’t leave you feeling horny and needy… and the lack of sex and dominance meaning you don’t want to write.
I wish I had the answer. A magic wand to make it better, but I don’t.
Talking is needed and a desire to put the relationship first.
A new job might be demanding but at the end of the day a job isn’t your life, and an 18 hour day isn’t healthy. Work/life balance is essential, but when working from home it becomes difficult to switch off the work mind.
You know all this of course, but it doesn’t change the need to have some private time and some couple time. I suppose on one level he might have enjoyed seeing you enjoy yourself, and meant it to be a turn on but the invasion of privacy would have shaken me too.
Do funds allow for you to have a night away – alone – in hotel to enjoy yourself any way you like? Sleeping… bathing…. masturbate if the mood takes you?
When MrH and I have felt this disconnect talking has been important but following up with actions is essential. He may feel he is letting you down, by not being Dominant and while that’s in his head it will be hard to push past, but not impossible with the right motivation and desire to do so.
Please don’t settle. That’s not fair. Not on you not on him. Talk. Go for walks. Remove the cameras. Get your peace of mind back. And set working times where the focus shifts from work to home… suggest he goes for a walk to trick the brain – you know that you’re coming home from work, it might help that mental shift.
Good luck Devie, I hope so much this isn’t the end. Xx
Thank you so much for your kind words! We have definitely been trying to come up with different solutions and such – and it all comes down to that there is a sort of block. We are at a stage where things don’t feel natural or organic, and we are not used to that. I mean, knowing our past,, we are definitely sexually compatibsble. We just need to go back to the roots and stop the overthinking, and let go.
He is already working less, which is helpful. I don’t think getting away is an option right now with the virus and all, but we tend to do fun things together, and I feel like that apart from our dryspell sex-wise, we are actually quite great relationship-wise.
I hope that you and MrH are well <3
We are fine, and so far we have managed to avoid catching the virus, although in some ways it seems inevitable that people will get it. We are fully vaccinated so we hope it won’t be too severe when and if it does! I am sure that if any two people can reconnect sexually and work it out it will be you two. Xx
It’s good to see you here again, Devie. I have no words of wisdom, as I am on a very dry spell too because of health issues – both mine and Master T’s. Other things occupy my mind and sex is low on my priority list, and the one thing I have learned over the years is the less sex I have, the less I want it. I can’t even remember when is the last time I masturbated, but I do know I am not remotely interested in it at this moment. I just believe we will get back to it eventually. Maybe not as active as we were, but something that works for both of us, when we are both ready. I hope it will work the same for you and your Master, that you find a level of masturbation/sex where you feel comfortable, find your way back to what works for you.
Sorry, I feel like I am rambling. I’m just happy to see you here again 🙂
~ Marie xox
Hi Devie, great to see your post, even though it clearly was a hard write for you. (Though beautifully executed)
Have you spoken to him about your thoughts on masturbation? The natural solution for me (though I’m not in your position) would be an instruction to masturbate while he’s hard at work. From what you’ve described this would help two areas. Maybe a third, if you enjoy humiliation and find it embarrassing to orgasm in the next room?
I don’t imagine for a minute that this is the end of your sexual journey. Just a pause at the lights. N x
Hi DS. Great to see a post from you although I am sorry that you are not in the place that you want to be. I can relate to a change in desire and libido and think it is all too common, especially at the moment. I almost hesitated to add that due to the number of others who already had said the same. I can relate to the feeling of loss at not desiring the same things in the same way too. We try to find things which will help but the smallest thing seems to throw us off so it is a challenge. I hope that you stick around and this is not the end of this succubus. We love her. xx
It’s sad that you don’t have any personal space at all. Something needs to be done about this! And remove the video cameras from the apartment.