Emotional and Physical Intimacy & D/s

Intimacy is such a difficult concept to describe. It could just be about certain aspects of closeness, of physical touch and connection. You can be emotionally intimate with friends and family. You can share short intimate physical moments with strangers. And then there is the intimacy in romantic relationships. Emotional intimacy is very difficult to experience with someone because it equals vulnerability and not all relationships are safe enough for that. You can fake physical intimacy. When it comes to D/s relationships, with all the requirements for open communication, intimacy might just be more authentic than in a lot of vanilla connections.

Intimacy and D/s

The reason why intimacy is more authentic in D/s relationships is because they already start with a certain degree of vulnerability. You let go with each other, you go into territory that is emotionally and physically pleasurable, but also taxing. I am not only talking about the submissive giving up control and being at the mercy of the Dominant, but also about the Dominant allowing their dominant, sadistic and caring sides to flourish. A functioning D/s relationship is built upon open and constant communication, trust and the ability to reflect. All those lead to emotional intimacy.

Emotional Intimacy in my D/s

Emotional intimacy means for me the ability to feel safe with someone. You are vulnerable but you are not scared. You feel like you can open up, you are not worried about judgment and you can be yourself without having to filter much. It is a beautiful thing when you are with someone you trust. I definitely have that with my Master. I feel safe with him. And although I sometimes worry about being a burden for him, I still am able to open up and be vulnerable with him. For him, trust is a turn on. He loves when he sees that I give him my all, mentally and emotionally, without any restrictions. Knowing that, makes it easier for me to turn to him even when I am struggling, or when I need to take something up about our relationship.

I don’t know if that is common in D/s relationships. Dominants often have a very strong caring side, no matter if they are sadists or not. Caretaker Doms, Daddies/Mommies and even Disciplinarians take on an almost parental role. And it becomes even more obvious in 24/7 connections. They plan the submissive’s day, check on progress and help with growth. I wonder if it is the caring instead of being vulnerable enough to be cared for, that expresses the Dominant’s need for emotional intimacy.

In my D/s relationship, while my Master is often open and vulnerable with me, he doesn’t have the same need that I have to be taken care of. He generally has a different way of expressing emotions, and is not verbal about them. He doesn’t really tell me that he loves me, for example, but he shows me his love in his actions instead. So I wonder if Dominants in general experience and express emotional intimacy differently than subsmissives do?

I always felt that emotional intimacy is more important to me than physical intimacy. You can fake physical intimacy, or even misinterpret it, easier than you can emotional intimacy. But lately I have come to realize that the two are intertwined for me. Physical intimacy makes me feel safe, makes me feel free and connected to my Master. And it also makes me more prone to allow myself to be vulnerable emotionally as well.

Physical Intimacy in my D/s

Because I have been struggling lately, sex hasn’t always been the first thing on my mind. We definitely have had maintenance sex, and the last two days, play time was more a priority again. But in general, the last couple of weeks were a bit more distanced sexually and with that, generally physically as well. And it affected me emotionally, and made me more emotionally distanced. And that made me reflect upon how important our physical closeness is to me. It has never been like that for me. I don’t remember a time when I felt a strong need for physical intimacy. It might be related to my inability to let go with others sexually, and to be naked with them. But I think it also has to do with that I am firstly a thinking and feeling person. The sexual person comes after that.

Our D/s started as a friendship, so the emotional closeness was already there. But our connection elevated into something special when we introduced the physical factor. And now I can’t imagine being without the physical intimacy between us. Not only am I totally comfortable being naked with him. Our sexlife is pretty much amazing because we both feel safe enough to let go with each other. But there are the small moments, that have a huge impact on how I feel and how connected I feel to him. The spooning when we are in bed and trying to sleep. The hugs he gives me when I am struggling. My head on his chest when we watch a movie together. Holding hands when we are out on a walk.

I need his touch, and not only the pain he gives me. That is a totally different level of physical intimacy. I prefer hands on impact and pain play to floggers, whips or other toys. I love to feel his skin against my skin, his fingers digging into my flesh, his palms slapping my cheeks. It just creates a different level of intimacy if I am on my stomach, he lies on top of me, his fingers dug deep into my upper arms and his teeth pulling my earlobe. For me, that sort of physical intimacy is just as important as a hug, the comfortable scent of his distinct smell or holding hands. It is raw, sexual, yet very much lovingly intimate.

Intimacy can mean a lot of things and in the end you define what it is for you, and what you need to experience it. But I do think that it is a bit different in D/s relationships than it is in vanilla relationships because the emotional and physical connections are on different levels. Trust and vulnerability, and sexual practices that often involve pain, require an openness for intimacy that doesn’t really exist in vanilla connections.