Body Love: L is for Libido
My high libido and my sexual availability have always been positives for those who I engaged sexually with. Even during times of lower libido, I still could find a little bit of a sexual spark. One might think that it has to do with the sexual peak in ovary owners during their mid 30s. But for me, it has always been like that. Partly it is related to my mental illness, partly to some hormonal imbalances and partly it is my genes. The women in my family are all very sexual. And this has led to some very awkward dinner conversations with my grandma wanting to discuss anal sex or my mother needing to tell us about the size of her boyfriend’s cock.
I haven’t always liked having sex with others, and it took me quite a while before I felt safe enough to let go with another person. The first time I had consensual sex was at 22. But I felt my sexual energy much earlier than that. I started exploring my body in a sexual way in my early teenage years, and after some years with DIY sex toys, I got my first vibrator at 15. I knew what vibrators were because I had found my mum’s and tried it out, and then I saved enough money to get one of my own. It can be hard to tell what sort of libido is normal for a teenager, but I was really sex-crazed.
When I was at home, and my door was locked, I was naked. I played with myself constantly, and it felt natural to me, to be naked and sexual with myself. But with others? No! A therapist once suggested that the high libido in connection to the unwillingness to connect sexually with others during my teenage years is linked to the complex and long-term trauma I went through as a child. It might be. I think it could have also been related to a low sense of self-confidence when it came to my body. I got bullied a lot, not only for my boob shape, but also for being fat. And that led to feeling undesirable sexually.
So even when I was in relationships (I never was not in one from about age 12) and sexy things happened, I tried my hardest to focus on the other person. I didn’t want anyone to touch me, nor to see anything of me naked. And no one did, with my consent, until my early 20s. I didn’t even get turned on by it. I assume that I dissociated from the moment, from the situation, and did what I knew would work to get the other person off my back. Sex was not about sex with others for me, at all. Sex with others, another person touching me, was not arousing. It was scary.
But boy, did I masturbate! My libido was just selective, it came out when I was on my own, safe from hurt and safe from judgment. And I did learn a lot about my body through masturbation. I wasn’t as judgmental in those moments, I could just enjoy myself.
Later in life, during my 20s and 30s, when I finally had sex with people, the waves of high and low libido became a bit more apparent. I quickly was aware of that those ups and and downs were linked to my hormones and my bipolar disorder. I could be without sex for months, and then suddenly masturbated several times a day for months. It was confusing for my then-husband.
But as we didn’t have a lot of sex anyway (like twice a year or so), my sexuality was something that I took care of myself. I knew my body best after all. And I knew what could me get off quick, and I didn’t have to worry about judgment about my body. I didn’t need to be in control of what angles I am in, what sounds I make or if I am pleasing the other person. See, anxiety can have a huge effect on someone’s sex life.
Now things are different. So very different. While I am not comfortable in my own body all the time, my Master never said a single bad word about my body. Instead, he compliments me a lot and has never shown the sort of disgust I had expected someone to show when they spent time with me naked. And now, someone else is also very aware of my libido swings.
As I said in the beginning of this post: I have a very high libido. What I consider a low libido is probably the sort of sexual want and need that the average person has most of the time. Low libido means for me that I wouldn’t think about initiating sex. It is kind of a “okay, why not”- situation. I can get a small orgasm here and there, but it is not amazingly mindblowing sex for me. It is pleasurable for my submissive mind because I can give him what he needs. Sex doesn’t have to be all about orgasms and fireworks all the time. I experience low libido in depression, when I am going through a time of high stress and lots of triggers.
Other times, in bipolar hypomania or mixed episodes, I have a very high libido. I am insatiable. There is no such thing as too much sex or too many orgasms during that time. I experience hypersexuality and all I want is to get touched, hurt, used, fucked. I am comfortable in my body, you will see me run around the apartment naked all the time and just try to make my Master understand that I need sexual attention, and lots of it!
It must be quite difficult for my partner to live through those episodes with me, not only all the emotional things that come with bipolar episodes, anxiety and trauma related triggers, but also that sex can be so different with me. My body doesn’t always react the same to his touch, I am not always as easily aroused, and I can imagine that it is a bit of a turn off if I am not very turned on (but still very much consent to sex!). And other times, I am all over him, and tire him out. But my body is different in so many ways, and my libido’s waves is only one aspect. And he seems to have gotten the hang of it. I am lucky.
I am doing the A to Z challenge during the month of April. My theme is Body Love. So you will get 26 posts from me, following the alphabet, related to the topic body love. You can check out more about the to A to Z challenge by clicking on the banner. You can find a list of sexbloggers participating in the challenge on Mrs Fever’s site.