My Own Little Sexual Revolution
My sexuality has evolved so much in recent years, and I think as a result, I have also changed my perspective of my body. I have always been a sexual person. Most of the time, I am blessed with a very high libido. But back in the day, I never expressed my sexuality or my sexual needs with others. I was ashamed of my body, of what I would enjoy and I got used to not prioritizing sex. With time, I found safe spaces to express my sexuality, mostly online. I had my own little sexual revolution.
Safe Sex Online and Being in Control
I am definitely not the same person I was 20 years ago, 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. It took me a long time to figure out how much my past and my trauma have affected the way I experience sex, and what I feel about my body. Instead of avoiding sex, I just had to find safe ways to engage in sex with others. The internet seemed like the right place to do just that. I was more in control of what was happening, and it was easy to disengage.
That is funny because I do enjoy not being in control in the bedroom. But to get there, I first needed to be able to let go, and to not feel like I am a prisoner of my past. Online I could control angles, I could pick who I wanted to get intimate with, and things started with words. I was not very confident about my body, but words were my friends. I became quite the pro in sex chatting. Then I moved on to phone sex, before eventually also trying out video chat sex. That transition was so helpful for me, because I could slowly get to know people. I felt safe with knowing that they would find me attractive, I felt safe with that I could express my sexuality with them without being shamed.
Triggers still happened and I was often wary about what I looked like. I always wore make up, I had the camera set up in angles that made me look good. But I let go more and more. And the more confident I became, with both my body and my sexuality, the more I enjoyed the sex. I knew I could have orgasms, but I didn’t know I could have orgasms with other people without being ashamed or too tense to totally let go.
In my first marriage and in all my other past relationships, sex was never a huge deal. I tried to avoid it as much as possible, and as a matter of fact, I didn’t have consensual PIV sex until I was 22 years old. Everything before that was mostly focused on the other person, and no one had ever seen me naked. Can you believe it? I mean, I was in a lot of relationships, I was never single. But I never had sex. I gave blowjobs, I rubbed clits. I did it all. But I never allowed anyone to touch me.
And the reason why I allowed my ex to touch me, to see me naked, and then later to have sex with me, was because we met online. He already knew what I looked like naked. I was not as ashamed. I didn’t hate the sex. But after the first few months of fucking like rabbits, we kind of didn’t focus on sex anymore. We ended up being together for 12 years and during the last six years of that relationship, we altogether had sex maybe four times. And it didn’t bother me much, because I masturbated every day.
Going into BDSM and Letting Go
But yeah, that is when I remembered that online sex was a fantastic opportunity to explore my sexuality. And that is how I started to get to know my Master, and look where we are now! I think it was first with his help that my sexuality blossomed. A lot of it has to do with that I gave up control. When I am in control, I don’t let go. I want to look perfect, to behave perfectly. I want to make sure that I plan, that I do everything right. And I guess I don’t get in the right headspace.
He can push me into a space where all I am is sex. I lose touch with everything and I don’t care about what I look like, how I behave, how I sound. I just come, and come, and come, and come. In that space, I am grateful for the body that I have. A body that can be sexually tortured and pushed, that can take pain and overstimulation. My connection with my body has improved a lot because of the kind of sex that we have. I am not avoiding to feel anymore. Instead I want to feel everything, I want to experience it all.
I have fluctuated so much in weight all my life, and before my 30s, I don’t think I have ever felt sexy. I have been bullied a lot when I was younger, for being fat. So I just always assumed that that was what people saw when they looked at me: a fat person. So I hid my body. Maybe not under baggy clothes. But I was very conscious about choosing outfits that were flattering and hid the parts of myself that I hated the most, and that I assumed others would hate too. That has changed a lot, and I think that is strongly linked to how I experience my sexuality now.
I definitely dress more like I am comfortable in my body. There are moments when I feel sexy. I don’t mind being naked around my Master and I post nudes on my blog, for everyone to see. And I feel like I have taken it even a step further by becoming more creative with my pictures. I am using my body to create art. That is such a huge difference to how I viewed my body just some years ago. I am not ashamed anymore. Yes, I am fat. Yes, I am definitely not perfect. But I have a body. And because I am a human being with a body, I have the opportunity to use that body in whatever way I like. And these days I choose to feel sexy about it, and to use it to experience fabulous sex.
So I think the evolution of my sexuality, going from shame to open exploration, and my own perception of my own sexiness and sensuality are strongly linked to each other. I don’t know what exactly came first. I don’t know if I would have walked this path without my Master, or if I have to thank him for it all. It could be all about that a woman’s sexuality supposedly peaks in her 30s. Or that my deteriorating mental health has made things less controlled for me in general. It might just be a combination of it all. But figuring that out is not really important to me. I am just happy that I am now in a place where I love sex and I am not as ashamed of my body anymore. I have experienced my own little sexual revolution.