Babygirl needs some action too! – Ageplay
There is a whole lot of stigma and confusion around ageplay and I must admit that I was a bit sceptical in the beginning as well. How can that be a healthy dynamics, isn’t that either involving some obvious Oedipus-complex or some really strong daddy issues? But then I realized something: WHO CARES?!? Why should I judge others for what turns them on, when both are consenting adults? Why do I give myself the right to assume their personal issues? What is wrong about wanting to be silly and carefree, or protective and caring? I think part of that judgment that I had to question was actually self-judgment. Because I have found myself more and more often naturally going into something that is either a babygirl space or a little space. It is all rainbowy, and glittery, warm and safe. I suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder and I have actual alters (personalities) that are children, so ageplay can become a bit complicated. I need to make sure of that everything that happens in that space is safe and appropriate and not triggering for the system.
When Your Littles are Real – Dissociative Identity Disorder and Ageplay
I know this most likely sounds confusing to a lot of people. The body is adult, but inside me there is a system of different parts or alters and not all of them are adults. Think of it as a certain part of your life being frozen and compartmentalized and who you were then, is still alive inside you, inside your mind. Frozen in that time, frozen with those memories, stuck in a body that has aged. I have 21 compartmentalized parts of my past inside me, there are 21 versions of me. I know I know, it is confusing.
Five of those parts (or alters) are children, they are me, me as a child. Their age range is from 3 to 10. Most of those are traumaholders, that means that they are a part because they are linked to a certain kind of trauma and they hold the memory from that time of my life. I don’t necessarily have access to those memories. That is actually why Dissociative Identity Disorder exists. It is a coping strategy of the brain: it keeps the trauma memories away from you, you as in the person who is now the main alter and handling life. The memories are in parts and not accessible so you can survive. Because if I had access to all the memories of my past, I would most likely not be able to survive emotionally or mentally. The brain is a wonderful thing!
I hope what I just described makes sense. One of those child alters is called Babygirl. She is an ageslider, which means that she is emotionally very much a child but she has no set age. She loves all the rainbowy stuff, she loves animals and cute things. But her logical age is older than that of a child. She understands adult concepts, she can make adult decisions. She is in many ways the protector and spokesperson of the little army of children inside me.
Babygirl is a sexual alter. I am not sure what kind of trauma she holds, she might just be a memory holder, of the fun things during my childhood. I don’t know. All I know is that she is very sexual. And it is okay because she is an ageslider and she can consent. Long story short: I can not hide the fact that my love of the little space in my D/s relationship is linked to my childhood, and needs that weren’t met during that time.
Little Space – Ageplay
I go into the little space either when I am sad, tired, anxious or my partner suggests it. It is not primarily a sexual space for me, it is a space to breathe out, to be taken care of, to not have to think about much more than pleasing my Master (I sometimes address him as Daddy in the space) and getting love and care. A space in which I can be free, wild, happy, trusting, safe and feel protected. It is so very different from what I have in my life a lot of times. And then there is of course the brattiness, I love being a brat and as a little, that is even easier to express. And, oh, the spankies, the disciplining, and the sex, all that is sweet and painful, caring and passionate.
What I get out of that space is safety and protection. I am loved and cared for, cuddled and hugged, and given attention. Praised. I get acknowledged. It is a happy place. I listen, I want to be seen, I want to be heard, I want my Daddy to watch me. Sometimes it is just hugging my teddy, and him watching me fall asleep. Other times, it is me needing aftercare after a long session of degradation and pain. Sometimes it is just wanting attention for something I have done well. There is something so rewarding in getting those needs met, to actually being told that someone is proud of you, that you are cute, that you are a good girl.
Because it is not a role that I play, but a part of me, I do not need a lot of props in that space. I am not putting a pacifier into my mouth, neither would I ever wear diapers (I am not that young in that space anyway). It is a mindspace for me, and who I am, I express through behaviour, through tone, through looks, through the words that I choose. I know it is different for others, and that is fine! I have some stuffies and that is it!
The sex. I think that is where most people are being judgmental. I do not literally think that I am fucking my dad. That would give me nightmares! I am having sex with someone who is giving me the care and love a parental figure would give, the discipline and guidance I deserve and need. Babygirl space is first slow and caring and then I am turned into Daddy’s playtoy, Daddy’s little slut. And I am still getting the sweet pain that I need (spankies!) and the degradation (naughty corner!), as well. It is all just being sweeter, more caring, sexual but also protective, floaty and playful, in some golden glittery heaven of joy, naughtiness, trust and wanting to please the person that you look up to.
Read up more on Dissociative Identity Disorder here.