Six Months of Happy Moments

Today marks the day I have been living with my boyfriend and Master for six months. It is not only that. I also moved countries, even continents, six months ago. My life changed dramatically. I went from being stuck in my home for months on end, my cat as my only company, to moving in with the person I most trust and care about in the world. While it felt like I left misery behind, that misery had been my safety for a long time. I had lived in Sweden for over 12 years, ten of those years with my husband, A divorce later, my mental and physical health deteriorating, I was lost. Having my Master and boyfriend by my side, was paramount to my survival during that time. Happy moments. Together.

Now that I have been here for six months, I can say that it was the right decision. You know, sometimes you just got to do something to see if it works. I am being realistic here, I am not on cloud nine. I am not saying that everything is going to be okay. Because it most likely is not. We have no control over our fate, our future. We can never know what is going to happen, neither good nor bad. But what I can say is that the last six months have been filled with an overwhelming amount of happy moments. And just for that, I don’t regret having moved across the world to be with the man that I call my Master.

I sometimes don’t understand what it is that I give him. There are more days than not that I am not functioning like a human being at all. My physical health has been a worry for quite some time now, and in combination with my health anxiety, it has been difficult for me to see clear what exactly is going on with me. For some reason, my heartrate has been rather unstable and I even decided to go to the ER at one point (which cost me a tonload of money) because it freaked me out too much. Cysts on my tongue that I am often convinced are cancer but that I can’t get checked out because I am scared of doctors. An overwhelming fatigue, most likely stemming from my auto-immune thyroid disorder. My glucose levels being all wonky and the worry that my diabetes might get out of control. I haven’t had my period in two months now.

None of those things are most likely an immediate threat to my life. Unfortunately, my health anxiety begs to differ, and I often spend days, hiding under a blanket, waiting for death. You might think that going to a doctor might be the solution here, but I can’t do that because I am extremely afraid of any kind of medical professionals. What I don’t understand in all of this, is how can my Master still like me? How can he enjoy being around me?

And that is not all. That was just the physical health! My mental health is a constant mess. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, so weeks of depression are followed by weeks of crazy impulsiveness and silly decision making. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, which is one of the least understood mental illnesses. Basically, he is dating 21 different people. I know, it sounds complicated, but think, he is living it! My C-PTSD makes me constantly blame myself, makes me frozen and unable to function. I am chronically hopeless, I am often suicidal. Also, I have flashbacks and I have anxiety. Crippling anxiety. Additionally, I had to stop taking my sleeping medication because I don’t have any professional mental health support here yet. Consequently, I only sleep about four hours a night, if that, for weeks now. And still, he likes me. He supports me. How can he enjoy being around me?

I don’t function like other human beings. There are weeks where I can’t leave the house. I can’t always shower because I lack the motivation, mentally and physically. I can’t always do my housewively duties. I don’t always listen to his commands. I need to be pushed to eat, to take care of myself. I need to be pushed to care enough to continue to live. I don’t have any income at this time, and he pays for everything. We are going through the difficult process of getting me residency, which is costly too. Most of the time, I am unable to go out and socialize. We don’t go to events often. Still, he enjoys being around me. How can he enjoy being around me?

I ask myself that question a lot. How can he even enjoy being around me? What do I give him? And then I remember. We are in a D/s relationship and he has consented to being with me, in this dynamic. He has decided that he wants to take on the role of the dominant, of the caretaker, of the person guiding me and pushing me. He willingly made the decision to be with me. This is not a Stockholm Syndrome situation. He needs me just as much as I need him. What I give to him is honest gratitude and trust.

There are other things too, of course. We laugh every day, we fuck every day. Actually, we have an amazing sexlife. Neither of us had ever had such good sex, we are a fantastic fit. And there is also the obedience I sometimes am able to give him. That ability is glued to how I am feeling, but also how strong my bratty side is in the moment. But just me showing him that I want to obey, that I trust his judgment, is something that meets a need for him. He tends to say that I keep him on his toes. I challenge him. That definitely can lead to personal growth.

But the most important thing is that we have those happy moments. It could be discussing a novel or the political situation. Sometimes it is just having a great meal together, and watching Netflix. Other times it is hugging under the blanket. A lot of times it is passionate, crazy BDSM sex. Today our happy moment was quite wonderful. We went down to the pool and swam together. We played around, we laughed, we competed against each other, we teased. Then we hung out in the hot tub. There was this moment, when we were both enjoying the warmth of the water, when a small cat with a tiny bell around its neck, casually ran by, looking at us, and disappearing into the flowery greenery. Bees flying around, birds singing. We make each other happy. Even if it is just in moments that stick out in the grey misery of my pain and every day dullness of life.