BDSM and Kink in Porn and Erotica

My sexuality and my interest in kink and BDSM are not linked to the sort of erotica and porn I consumed when I was younger. I was a teenager in the 90s and we didn’t really have the same kind of access to the things young people have today. If you watched porn, it was mostly some VHS that your parents had hidden from you. You couldn’t just look for something online. And I stayed away from the romance and erotica sections at libraries and bookstores because my taste in reading was and mostly still is usually more highbrow than that.

The submissive sexual needs, the need for rough sex, for exhibitionism, and being humiliated, came to me organically. I remember the one porn movie I watched that opened my eyes a bit to the fact that there was kinky sex out there, but it was all still pretty tame in comparison to the fantasies that I had. To be honest, I discovered more about kink and BDSM through my friends than the things that I watched or read.

Friends

I was lucky that way. Being part of the alternative scene in Germany, the people I hung out with were pretty open-minded and talked about sex. I visited play parties and fetish events without ever participating in anything. During those years, I was still very shy, and didn’t engage in anything sexual with others, at least nothing where I was the focus of attention. I was never naked with anyone, I never allowed anyone to touch me. I gave oral sex and handjobs. Well, apart from one hot encounter with two goth women at a club, who got me off in public. But that is maybe for another post!

I knew what kinds of kinks were out there. Of course I still judged myself for my needs because I was aware of that they weren’t particularly mainstream. But if I had shared them with my friends, I am sure that they wouldn’t have shamed me for them. The same with my sexual orientation. For a while I thought I was lesbian and for about a year I only dated women. Then I came to the conclusion that I was bisexual, which I then later changed to pansexual. It wasn’t porn or erotica that in any way influenced my sexual orientation or my sexual identity though. I discovered those things on my own: I dated different people, I listened to my friends and I masturbated to my fantasies.

When porn became more accessible with the internet, I watched quite a lot of it. Did I watch the sort of thing that I fantasized about? Well, yes, I did. I watched BDSM stuff, hardcore stuff, I watched lesbian stuff, I watched trans stuff. I didn’t discover any new kinks or ideas through porn. And I realized that I didn’t like the overproduced porn with the porn starts flaunting bodies that are generally attractive. I preferred things where real people had real sex. And I was and still am not into porn specifically made for women either. I don’t need sensuality, or a story.

Porn

I rarely find porn where I can identify with any of the actors or protagonists. There is not a lot of porn out there that is watchable with the niches that I belong to. But that is okay, for the duration of the movie, to get me off, I can just imagine being in the person’s position. I am the woman masturbating, or the one being fucked, or being tortured, gang-banged and so on. But because it is hard to find porn that is about my specific fantasies or needs (even most BDSM porn is either too tame or too choreographed for me), and there isn’t a lot of that porn that features a person like me, I don’t really watch a lot of porn anymore. Add to that, that I am in a sexually fulfilling relationship, I maybe end up watching porn once a month, if even that. When I was not physically with anyone, during my LDR times, I definitely watched more porn though.

I like porn that is organic, playful, about power struggle. but most BDSM porn is about disciplinarian things, planned scenes and only little actual organic play, flirting or build-up. I don’t need a story, but I definitely need a connection. A sort of chemistry. So that is why most porn, even the topics that I find arousing, does nothing for me. I don’t get turned on by watching others do stuff, but I get turned on by being able to imagine myself being in the situation. So if I want to get off quickly, I don’t want to spend an hour scrolling, finding the sort of clip that would get me there.

Erotica

I don’t read erotica the same way I watch porn. I enjoy erotica that is well-written. Even if the scene described checks all my boxes, it needs to be written well for me to enjoy it. I prefer reading good literature, no matter the topic. I don’t read erotica to get turned on, although I’m a lover of words, and I have gotten aroused by a good piece. But if the grammar is all over the place, there are many spelling mistakes, no paragraphs and the word choices are very simple, I close the tab and don’t finish reading it. So the topic of the erotica is not important to me. The quality is what matters to me. So has erotica that I read an effect on my sexuality? No. I am not a big erotica reader in the first place (I prefer people talking about their real experiences, actually), and I have never read anything that has sparked any new fantasies in me.

My sexuality, my sexual needs, and my sexual orientation, all come from my own mind and my own feelings. The fantasies in my own head have led to my explorations. I am not saying that I can’t be influenced by what I hear or see. My friends from back then definitely made me think with their sex positivity and their open-mindedness. And reading about other bloggers’ real experiences and thoughts, is always intriguing to me. But made-up scenarios, stale play or other people’s fantasies in the written form, don’t really affect me much. I might just not watch porn or read erotica the way other people do.