Confusion about Submissive Needs
It can be a wonderful thing to be the submissive in a relationship. You give up control, you can float in the space that you and your partner have created. It can feel safe, it can feel free. A relief to not have to make all the decisions. It is a togetherness where you are following the lead of the person you gave your entire trust to. This applies both to solely sexual D/s relationships or those that involve a 24/7 lifestyle. But when a Dom is not consistent then there is a confusion about submissive needs.
Needing someone who is superior to me
And when you decide to be in a connection of a D/s nature, you pick your partner wisely. You make sure that they are safe, that they actually deserve your submission. There needs to be a chemistry when it comes to kinks and fetishes (if you are a masochist and brat but your Dominant is a service Dom, it might not work out that well, for instance) and that you are able to be communicate with them without holding back. You can be honest without being worried. You can let go without fearing to get seriously hurt. For me personally that needs to involve that they are smart, that they are reasonable, are a responsible adult and are physically and emotionally stronger. I want to be able to look up to the person I submit to. I want to know that they are my superior in a lot of ways.
That is where it has always stopped for me, and that is why I have difficulties being in a 24/7 relationship that is based on a D/s dynamics. There is also a need to be in a 24/7 dynamic, for sure! But I tend to be always somewhat smarter, somewhat more emotionally intelligent, than the person I am with. The moment I realize that I can manipulate them, I lose a little bit of respect for them. That is why I am a brat. I want to test if someone actually is worthy my submission. I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing. Blindly submitting and following can be unsafe, I want to see that they can actually be the responsible and strong Dom that I need.
I need someone else to take the initiative
Sexually though, it is easier for me to submit. I can still be playful and bratty, but I love the punishments, I love being forced to shut up, to submit, to please. And I have definitely found Doms that can give me what I need, and I can give them what they need. I have had incredibly great sex, scenes, play. Once I trust someone and they have proven to be safe, I go wild and free. Being submissive sexually involves a lot of my kinks and fetishes as well, it all just fits.
In all of this, one problem can arise, and I have run into that problem more than once. The problem is that I, as a submissive, await directions, someone who takes initiative, someone who takes over and likes to take control of the situation, the sex, the relationship. In general, that is what you would expect from a Dom, right? But what if they are unable to do that all of the sudden? Might it be because they are unwell, because they have lost their confidence, they have have become unsure. That is where I become absolutely lost. Initiating sex is hard for me. I don’t know how to express that I need them to be stricter, especially if I see they are struggling. I don’t want to put my needs in front of theirs.
Do I push Doms too hard? – Confusion about submissive needs
Sometimes I wonder if I eventually push Doms into that position of lack of confidence. I am a brat after all, so I don’t necessarily answer to the first command. And I laugh at suggestions! You suggest me to do something? Yeaaaaah. Tell me what to do, let me fight against it, and show me that you really mean it, and I am doing what you tell me to do. This can mean anything, it can be sexual, it can be telling me that it is bedtime.
I just need someone who is not ever letting their Dom role go, I need someone who is naturally dominant and who is taking a no bs approach. The feeling, oh my god, the feeling, when I sense that someone is actually stronger than me, does not take my teasing or reluctance, but actually can make me listen, can make follow their commands, that feeling is absolutely bliss! I want to have that feeling all the time, that feeling of safety, of natural submission.
The need for consistency
But again, even if I am with a Dom who is able to give me that feeling, I need consistency. I just get lost and confused when someone goes from suggestions to commands, to giving up on trying to get me to submit, to getting hurt because I am not listening. I need the Dom to be consistent! If you can give me the feeling of freedom and safety in submission sexually, but not outside of that space, then that is fine! But stop trying and get frustrated with me when I suddenly don’t listen to you because you are suggesting and not commanding, because I don’t listen when I am in a bratty mood.
As much I need someone to feel good for me, I need to feel good for them, too. And when I see that my Dom loses self-confidence and gives up on trying to dominate me because I am being stubborn or don’t listen right away, I get turned off. And frustrated. I knew what I got into, did you really know what you got yourself into?
Doms are Humans too!
Some of you will probably think now “But Doms are human too, they can’t always be on top of their game!”. I would never ever expect anyone to always be alert, always 100% be in their role. That is unreasonable. Everyone has bad bad days sometimes, everyone gets sick sometimes. I am not talking about those instances, at all. I am not all demanding, I am not all needy,I don’t need to be taken care of all the time. If we are in a serious relationship and you are having a shitty day, I will take care of you, too. I don’t mind, I like it, I like to be useful, I like to be helpful. Seeing the person I care about happy, makes me glad that I can contribute to that happiness!
I am talking about losing confidence, about anxiety, about being low, about not being strong anymore. Not for a day or a week of the flu. I mean everytime I become too bratty. There is nothing worse for a submissive to feel that their Dom has given up on them, or is not strong anymore. If you are emotionally attached to the person that you trusted could guide you, lead you, make you feel free, and they give up or lose their strength, you are incredibly lost. Lost and confused. Hurt and frustrated. You feel guilty, you don’t know what to do.
Am I asking too much?
I don’t know if I am asking too much. All I want is a stable, trustworthy, confident and safe Dom. I feel like all those qualities are exactly what being dominant should be about. It is what I as a submissive crave. And if you are emotionally attached to a Dom that has lost these qualities at times, or for a longer while, what are you supposed to do? Is it your job to build them up again? Are you to terminate the D/s dynamic and instead try to have a romantic vanilla connection where you take care of them for a while?
I am probably asking for too much.
(P.S. Not necessarily a current problem for me right now, just something I have been pondering about generally as I am stuck a little in my confusion about submissive needs) Read about my submissive desires.