30 Days of Submission – Day 27: Submissive Desires
Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?
When I was younger, I never really dared to express my needs, desires or fantasies. Even nowadays I feel a tiny bit of embarrassment or shame when I try to talk about what would turn me on. Or which fantasies have been living in my mind recently or what I’d desire. I don’t know why there is something taboo and uncomfortable connected to that part of myself. But it has always been that way.
The strongest submissive desire that I have is being dominated. I want to be in the presence of someone who is my superior. It needs to be someone who makes me want to submit, to give over all my control and power to them. I want to feel the need to submit, the urge, the want. Hearing a command from my Master, awakens that in me. And depending on the situation, I might fight for power a little or just let go right away.
Now that I am in a D/s relationship, it has been easier for me to tell my partner what I’d enjoy doing. It comes with the territory though. Being in the kind of relationship that I am in, communication is one the main pillars of what we are doing. I have to talk about where my limits are. Also, what I want to try out and what is never going to happen. I still shy away from asking for certain things, but I definitely bring them up, secretly hoping that my Master would take the hint. I know that I need to learn to communicate those things in a more direct manner. And hey, maybe that will happen one day!
Relationshipwise, it has been difficult to accept that I want to be submissive. I might have had the wrong idea of what submission means. Maybe I was afraid of the possibility of abuse, but being submissive in a 24/7 lifestyle scared me a little. The need for the submissive side of me to come out in parts of my life other than the bedroom? That is something I felt quite early on in my D/s dynamics. But it took me a long time to actually take the step and to mold a kind of framework that would work for me.
I know that part of me does not like the idea of it all, while other parts really crave it. I think there is still some kind of negotiation needed, and there will always be certain areas where I need control, and where I wouldn’t let anyone else make the decisions. Might it be creativity, or what I am wearing on a certain day. I am in a place now, where I accept and respect my submissive need to be in a 24/7 relationship. That is progress. I am not afraid of losing who I am anymore, instead I realize that being submissive is a huge part of who I am. That is a very freeing thought.
In the bedroom, there are certain things that I need within our D/s dynamics to be able to enjoy myself sexually. The pain I crave in my submissive role, the humiliation and degradation, those are all things that I have slowly come to accept. I need to be controlled, I need to not be in control. The BDSM aspect of D/s is extremely important to me, and has been the main thing that drew me to any kind of D/s dynamics in the first place. I like it brutal, primal and painful. Also, I like to be used. I need to be with a sadist, with someone who takes total control, who is unpredictable and mean. I want to be brought to tears, I want to squirm, I want to feel inferior and useful.
There are two desires within the sexual context of D/s and BDSM that still make me feel a little bit icky. I recognize that I am kind of kink-shaming myself there. I have come to accept the ageplay-side of me, after all. And that is one of the most shamed kinks in the BDSM community. One of those desires is consensual non-consensual play.
While I love that I gave my Master the power to use me whenever he pleases and I am fine with that, I really want to try out rape play. I know I know, it is such an icky topic for so many. And I get why. But I have the need to being totally overpowered, used, without my needs or situation being taken into consideration. I am of course worried that it is somehow a reenactment of the abuse I have been through earlier in my life. But the need is there, the desire is there. It is the most extreme of consensual non-consensual possibility. Still, I still feel that with a safe person, this might be very enjoyable for me.
Another submissive desire that I would like to explore more in different forms in humiliation, specifically pissplay. I don’t think I’d be interested in oral pissplay, necessarily. It is more the idea of someone releasing themselves all over my naked body, while saying degrading things. And then telling me exactly what they are doing and consequently, what that makes me. I love when someone cums on me and I know it has a similar effect one me: feeling inferior, feeling dirty, nasty, naughty. I love feeling that way!
I am becoming more and more comfortable with my submissive desires. It is very freeing to be open about them, and to get a lot of my needs met. But I think I want to push myself further. There are still so many things to try out, so many soft limits to be teared down, so many desires I still need to explore.
I am doing the 30 Days of Submission meme/challenge. If you are interested in doing it too, check out this link which has all the questions ready to be used!
You can check my other posts of the series here.