FrienD/s – Kinky Friendships

If you would meet me in real life, you would consider me being very confident in social situations. And I can sure pretend that I am! I used to be the center of every party, I used to draw attention to myself by solely being myself. I can still pretend to be that person, for shorter periods of time. I’ve had many friends in my life, some came and went quickly, others walked by my side for decades. But moving countries twice, and my mental health issues, have taken a toll on my social life, and my ability to build up strong connections. The D/s aspect of my life has maybe somewhat also limited how honest I can be with certain people. But I am quite certain if I put more effort into it, I’d have more kinky friendships in my life.

What is a Friend?

I don’t think I have ever had issues making friends, it was something that happened naturally. I have always had a best friend, a group of friends, people to hang out with. But then, how do you define a friend? A friend is for me someone who I can be honest with, and there is mutual support. It is someone who knows me and still likes me. Someone I have things in common with, and someone who shares a lot of my views of the world. That definition kind of narrows who I would even consider a friend, doesn’t it? I used to say that if I can call someone at 3 AM, crying and having a breakdown, and they come over with a bottle of wine 15 minutes later, they are a friend.

But there are definitely other kinds of friends too. Those that you can share particular parts of your life with. There are party friends, there are work friends, there are friends who you share a hobby or an interest with, and there are definitely also kinky friends! I have had best friends and I have also always had friends that fit into the different parts of my life and whose friendships were a bit more limited.

My Best Friend

At the moment I don’t have a best friend. There is a very particular reason for it. My best friend for almost twenty years died in 2016. A and I met at a goth club back in the late 1990s and she was basically the most non-judgmental person you could imagine. We had many 3 AM meet-ups and she was the one person who always stood up for me. Our friendship survived my move to another country. We still chatted or talked via Skype several times a week. I knew everything about her, and she knew everything about me. But she is dead now, cancer killed her. I can with confidence say that if I had told her about my D(s relationship or the things I am doing in the bedroom, she would have been curious and supportive, and we would have had some great laughs about it.

My Friends in Germany

And I think I can say the same thing about most of my old goth friends. Back in the 1990s and early 2000s (before I moved to Sweden in 2006), I had a huge group of friends. All of them were either goth or in the alternative scene. And there were quite a few D/s couples and even more people engaged in BDSM play. It was not something that anyone looked at weirdly. If I heard someone call their boyfriend “Master”, or being led through the club or party on a leash, I didn’t even consider it as anything out of the ordinary. I know it is a stereotype that the goth scene and the kink community overlap, and stereotypes are often exaggerations. But what is true is that the goth scene is very kink friendly.

I have a friend from back then that I am still in touch with, G. Many parties took place in his home, and he had a playroom! There was a St. Andrews cross, a lot of different torture instruments in a cabinet, a cage in the corner. I watched people play, I saw them get flogged, tortured, fucked roughly. I never thought much about it as anything odd. As a matter of fact, I was poked sometimes if I wanted to try it out too. But I was very sexually shy back then and I didn’t dare. I even went to fetish parties and kink events because I liked the music there!

I am not saying that every goth is into kink, or BDSM, or D/s. But they are generally more accepting about it than the general population is. And if I was still living in Germany, and were in a D/s relationship, I wouldn’t be worried about any of my friends from that time judging me.

My Friends in Sweden

In Sweden, I had some very vanilla friends from university and yet again, a lot of goth and alternative friends. But even my friends from university were leftist and open-minded. I know that some of my friends were into BDSM and they went to fetish and kink events. One of my friends, M, was heavily into latex and would almost exclusively dress only in mesh and latex. It never bothered me, nor did I think it was odd. It was okay. I even remember being at a collaring ceremony in 2009. If I would still live in Sweden, and was still in those circles, no one would judge me for being in a D/s relationship, or into BDSM. I would have definitely had people to reach out to if I needed to discuss anything D/s related.

After my major breakdown in 2010, I withdrew from people. I didn’t want to be a burden, I didn’t want to be the person with the issues. And I didn’t want my role in my friendships to change. I used to be the strong one for most, the intelligent witty one, the one that was loud and fun. And I felt I had lost those parts of me. For about three years of my life, I was very lonely. By choice. I am the one to blame there, I withdrew. But then I turned to the internet, I got involved in a volunteer community and built up friendships there. The volunteer work was about mental health and mental illness, and many of the volunteers struggled with those issues as well. And many were into BDSM or in D/s relationship.

Online Friends

As a matter of fact, it was in that community that I met my current Master. This is yet another stereotype: people with trauma are more inclined to be interested in kink, BDSM and D/s. And there is a sort of truth to it. In that community, I led support session on BDSM and D/s. They were sessions around issues in D/s relationships, stigma around kink, abuse, subdrop and many other topics. It was quite a thriving community within the community and it was awesome to see how my support sessions helped people understand their relationships and themselves better.

Once my time at the the volunteer organisation had ended, I turned to Fetlife instead. It took quite an effort to weed out the men who were only looking to sext, hook up or a Domme or sub to play with. But I have made a few friends on that platform, and some of them I am still in touch with. But those friends are online, and I yearned for connections in the real word, while being aware that that might be impossible for me because of all my issues.

And Now?

I have now been living in Canada for a bit over a year. My D/s relationship is thriving, but I don’t have any close connections with anyone in real life, I have made careful ventures into the kink scene. We have been to play parties and kink events and I have made some acquaintances. And I must admit that I quite enjoyed talking with people about BDSM, play and D/s relationships. For the first time in my life, I closely observed people in D/s connections. I watched how others play, what the connection between them looks like. And it has been so very interesting!

Some of those acquaintances I have as friends on Facebook. But being who I am now, it is difficult for me to build up friendships, because I rather not want anyone to know what I am struggling with. I definitely want to attend more events and maybe get closer to a few people, and discuss things that are specific for D/s and BDSM! There’s a munch next week that I might just attend, Or I will chicken out again.

And then there is the sexblogging community. I have made a few friends that I chat with on Twitter and such, and I don’t feel like I need to hold back about my D/s or my kinky things when I chat with these newfound friends. It is so very exciting to get to know more of all those lovely bloggers and become friends, My DMs are always open for people who want to be my friend, and who want to chat about D/s and BDSM, and kinky things!

I don’t hide my D/s or my interest in BDSM. I mean, even my own mother knows that I am in a D/s relationship. But I don’t explicitly mention it on my personal social media because I am worried that there might be still some people out there who would judge me. On the other hand, it would actually be a fun experiment, to check how many of my old friends are in D/s relationships or would openly admit that they are into BDSM. I suspect I am not alone.