Public Play – Kink Events, Dungeons and Play Parties

The first time I went to a kink event was when I was around 18 years old. I didn’t go there to play. And I didn’t have any (conscious) interest in BDSM. I went because some of my friends were part of the kink community and the music they played at such events was quite good. I also liked the atmosphere: it had a sort of a dungeon feel to it. There were St. Andrew crosses, benches, fuck rooms and the background sounds were barely muffled by the loud music: screams of pain, whips and floggers hitting on naked skin. I was just there to dance, although I sometimes took a glimpse at what was going on around me. I went to that specific event a few times. But I never played, because at that time I didn’t allow myself to show any interest.

The Fear of Becoming Fresh Meat

Fast foreward 15 years and I am in another country. My partners lived abroad. My interest in BDSM and D/s had definitely been sparked and I was enjoying lots of crazy kinky sex, online. I got curious and signed up for a local kink community website and quickly found out about events in my area. You know, I definitely wanted to go but I was also nervous. I am quite self-conscious when it comes to my body. I didn’t want to feel forced to be naked in front of others.

So I started to do some research. There are a lot of online guides out there: about etiquette, behaviour and consent at play parties and dungeons. And some of it really made me feel a bit uncomfortable. It felt good that there seemed to be strict rules on consent and touching others. But there were also quite a few warnings about going to such events if you are a new female submissive with no ties to the community yet. Especially if you were to go alone. There is a huge risk that you would become “fresh meat”. Someone is fresh meat if they are new to the real life kink community in an area. Inexperienced female submissives are easily targeted. It is about unsafe Dominants who cross boundaries, push limits and use the submissive’s inexperience for their advantage.

At the same time, I had dozens of guys writing to me on that website I had joined. Some of them bluntly hitting on me, others trying to push their dominance on me, all inviting me to go to a play party with them. It all just didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to end up being fresh meat. Or end up in some sub frenzy, and do things I would regret later. So I decided to not check out the local kink scene.

Public Play: The Dungeon

I’m now across the pond and living in a city with a big and thriving kink community. My partner had been to play parties here before so he could tell me a bit more about how things worked. One night I spontaneously decided to attend a dungeon event: a BDSM play party. There were about 200 people there, mostly between the ages of 19 and 45. Music played. They had an area where they sold water and snacks, and an area that was more dimly lit, where the play was happening. When we paid, we could choose if we wanted to have a sticker attached to our clothing signifying if we were a top or a bottom, and if were open to play.

Walking into the dark hall, was a bit daunting. I was the new kid, after all, and although my partner knew some people, he wasn’t deeply integrated into the community. We maybe could have attended someone munches first before diving into dungeons and play parties, but as I said, it was more of a spontaneous thing.

In the Dungeons itself were several dungeon monitors. They were easy to spot and it felt safer right away when I realized that different sorts of gender had that role, and they were checking out the play scenes and were making sure everything that happened was according to the rules. There were leaflets with the event’s rules on all tables. They were the ones that you’d expect: don’t touch anyone without their consent, don’t interrupt scenes, use the safeword, no genitals, no hardcore play, clean up after yourself and no pictures.

We walked around a bit and a few people said hello to my partner and he introduced me. Everyone seemed kind and welcoming, and because I was with a male Dominant, no one really approached me inappropriately. I spent a while checking the place out and watching other people play. There were cages, benches, crosses, mats, places for suspension, wooden constructions to get tied to. There was an aftercare room with lots of mattresses, there was a fuck room. And there were lots of soaps, gloves and wipes to clean up after you were done with a scene.

You were supposed to bring your own toys, and public full nudity was not allowed, and insertion and penetration weren’t allowed in public either. You’d have to go to the specific room for that. I watched people get flogged, whipped, kicked, spanked (lots of spanking going on at events!!), tied down, rope play, suspension, wrestling on mats. It was a lot to take in! And strangely enough, it didn’t turn me on. It was such a relaxed atmosphere in a quite sterile place and it felt like a meeting of like minded people. The scenes that I watched, I looked at out of curiosity, not because I found them sexually enticing.

And during my first dungeon experience, I also got to play, with my partner, of course. We didn’t bring any toys. So it was mostly just impact play with hands and fists. I enjoyed it as long as I kept my focus on my partner. The second I remembered where we were and that people could be watching, I got nervous and uncomfortable. I found the whole thing incredibly awkward.

Play Parties and Fetish Events

We have been to that specific event a few more times, bringing toys and tools. I got to know a few people in the community. It is actually quite nice to talk with people in real life who are also in D/s connections. The level of non-judgment as such events is really beautiful. It is people of all shapes, colours, genders and ages. Everyone is in lingerie or sexy clothing, many topless. Some are there with their committed partners, others play with different people throughout the night. I have watched negotiations, I have seen safewords being used. And fortunately, I have not seen any drama yet.

I have found out a few things about myself, by going to this event and others play parties. I am not very confident about my body. At most events, I am probably the most covered woman. Well, apart from those in full body latex outfits that is! I have an urge to play with others, to see what it feels like, but I am too shy and I need to trust someone enough to be able to do that. I also don’t like planned scenes, and for me to be able to do a scene in public being tied down and flogged, paddled or spanked, I need to feel the vibe. If I am only a tiny bit uncomfortable or I feel that my partner is not focused on me, I can’t do it.

I do love a good spanking in public (as long as my butt is still covered!), I love wrestling for control and fighting back in public, and I like when we do impact play with hands and fists at events. The connection that I have with my Master isn’t about long flogging or whipping sessions. I like those tools being used, but we barely do so at home, and if then only as part of our play, not as the main attraction.

We have been to a few other kinds of events. One other dungeon that we have been to several times, allows full nudity, but doesn’t have a room to fuck. The crowd there is different: older, more timid, and more welcoming too. That event has a warm kinky meeting feel to it. Fetish events on the other hand, seem to be more about showing yourself off and dancing to (terrible) dark house music. There is barely any play room at those events, alcohol is served, and it is more for the younger crowd of beautiful women wearing cat ears and loving to show off their body while wearing a collar, with the occasional furry or latex fetishist looking lost in the crowd.

Moving Forward

I haven’t made any close friends in the kink community here. But I think that has mostly to do with that we attend events only sporadically. We haven’t been to an event in a couple of months. I still get invited to play parties, dungeons and even sex parties. I am connected on social media with many that I have met at events. And I know that if I wanted to, I would always have a fun event to go to.

I don’t know if public play is very much my thing due to my shyness and my body image issues. But I have enjoyed myself during scenes, and might again. And one thing I really want to try in the future is playing with others: there are quite a few Dominants in the scene here who are very experienced with whips, floggers, spanking and suspension. So who knows what the future will bring!


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13 Responses

  1. I think that . . . like all things . . . it is just about feeling comfortable with your surroundings, and with yourself, at the time.
    I’ve generally found that most people at these events are respectful and genuine, and not judgemental. Occasionally I will be bothered by younger, inexperienced, young men. But I soon put them in their place !!!
    We attend less fetish events these days, the scene here seems to have become more for younger attendees nowadays . . . and the music louder and not to my liking. (Or, perhaps it’s just me getting older. LOL !!!) But, as I say, I think it’s just about when you feel comfortable that things may develop and you find your level of acceptance, and expression, changing.
    For many people, playing in public enhances the kink and the thrill. For others, they feel far, far more at ease playing at home.
    I’m sure your journey will just naturally lead you to whichever is right for you.
    Xxx – K

    • You are so very right, it is about feeling comfortable with yourself and the surroundings when playing in public. I am not in the best place when it comes to confidence about my body, so that is mostly what makes it awkward for me. Things definitely change and evolve in communities all the time, and naturally, the younger generation takes over. I am not sure if that has to mean that the older generation has to take a step back. At the events I have been to, there was age diversity, some visitors were in their 70s (one of them fell asleep, which was a bit adorable). Thank you so much for your comment, and I agree with you, eventually I will find out what works best for me. I just want to have tried everything first and given it a proper go!

  2. Holy fuck I am such a little virgin. I am so into kink but I think I would be terrified at an event like that. I need more kinky friends…. I think I would prefer more intimacy, tbh. Multiple people for sure, but a big club scene like that, I am way too highly sensitive… I would clam up. I think I would have go under the tutelage of a Dom I love and trust who could ease me into it and help me grow and explore and feel comfortable. Otherwise I would feel very inadequate and would probably be crying in a corner. But at the same time, I kind of like the idea of surrendering my fears… of which I have many, and just going wild as fuck. I would never get out alive. I will just fantasize incessantly for now. Great read!

    • Usually, people start showing up at munches first, to get to know the people in their local kink community. It feels safer, and is not about play but getting to know people instead. And yeah, going to a play party or a kink event for the first few times is definitely safer when going with either a group of friends, or your Dom. But it is superinteresting to be at those kinds of events, I learnt so much about BDSM, and also myself and my own limits!

  3. Sweetgirl says:

    Thanks for sharing your experience of this ?

  4. missy says:

    Thanks for this post DS. It is really interesting to hear about your experience and it does sound like a good community in terms of its size and the options where you are based. I can understand your reservations in not always feeling comfortable to play but also your attraction to it when the circumstances are right. I think this many will relate to this ?

    • Thanks for your comment <3 As I said in my post, it is all about the vibe when I am there, and if I am able to focus solely on my scene, instead of overthinking about if others are watching and what they think!

  5. jupitergrant says:

    Thanks for this. I’m intrigued by public play, and have been investigating local munches but haven’t quite worked up the courage, and don’t know if I will manage to do so. As I know that Bear won’t go with me as he’s not into public play and is very private, so I’d be going alone, and like you say, that feels slightly risky, (though I’m more switch than sub and might actually find I can put any naughty boys right back in their place!). But it’s really useful to read your experiences of pulic play and kink/fetish clubs. Cheers xx ?

    • Munches are way different from actual play parties, and less scary! It is usually just to hang out and get to know people. Going to a play party or dungeon party is more open game if you are a woman. Most importantly, stick to why you want to go: want to just check it out? Want to play? Most events help newbies out, explain the rules and the venue to them. I am not sure if you have Fetlife, but if you do, check out local events and who runs them, and reach out to someone who seems trustworthy! Older members of the community are often superhelpful!
      I hope you will be able to attend an event in the future, they can be quite fun!

  1. August 30, 2019

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