Thirteen Things I love about D/s – Kinky Advent Calendar – Day 13
Behind door 13 is a list of thirteen things that I love about D/s and submission. It would seem like I’d be able to come up with a long list of things in no time but I realized that there are only a few things, very important ones, that draw me to a D/s connection. Everything else, all the other beautiful facts, are biproducts. The prompt is 13 things though, so I leave it to you to figure out which ones of these things are my main attractors and which ones I am just happy to experience because I instinctively went for what I knew would be right for me.
One – Safety and Trust
I think it is natural to look for a partner who you can trust and feel safe with. I assume those two qualifiers are also important for most vanilla folk. But for me, safety and trust run deeper in a D/s relationship. Not only do I trust my partner to always keep me safe and have my best interest at heart. I also trust them to hurt me, to degrade me, to control me, to make decisions for me. There can’t be an ounce of doubt in their trustworthiness.
The other way around, I must be trustworthy as well: I need to be trusted to know my own limits, to communicate when something is wrong, and to use the safeword when needed. And with that trust, once it is given, comes a wonderful feeling of safety. When being with my Master, I never feel unsafe. That is a huge thing for a trauma survivor like me! Without that deep trust and feeling of safety, a D/s connection would be impossible for me.
Two – Care
I have never experienced the amount of care that my Master has for me. He is not a Daddy Dom, but very close to it. He is a very strong caretaker Dom and although I struggle a bit to admit that sometimes, I love that about him. Sure, I need the strong sadistic Master. But I also crave his attention, his constant hovering over me. I love that he wants to know what I am up to, what I am doing, how I am feeling. That he is constantly making sure that no harm is done to me, that I am safe when I am around others, that I don’t make unsafe decisions.
This amount of interest and care that comes from a caretaker Dom is very overwhelming for me sometimes, but I need it. It is my Master’s way to show me that he loves me and is a very vital part of our D/s connection.
Three – Letting Go
I am a control freak and I have always had issues letting go in interpersonal relationships. I am very good at wearing that social mask where I can be that pleasant calm person while a violent storm of overwhelming emotions is wreaking havoc in my mind. But in a D/s, you need to be yourself for things to be safe. And when you are yourself, and you are not hiding, you can experience a lot more pleasure. Letting go of control during sex has been even harder for me in the past. In the D/s environment it is one of the things that I love being able to give to my Master: control. That incredibly freeing feeling when you can breathe out and just let go and follow the waves that the person you trust is making.
Four – Masochism
I have always been a masochist but I never really lived out that kink other than in my fantasy and when playing with myself. I didn’t think I was weird and I wasn’t ashamed. It was just that I never thought that I would ever feel safe and comfortable enough to allow someone to hurt me consensually, or even let them know that I want to get hurt. Being able to get my masochistic needs met, and observing that just by being honest about what I want, pleasing the sadistic nature of my Master, is wonderful.
Five – Degradation
Admitting to have masochistic needs is hard enough, but try telling someone that you want to be degraded. I know that this is a very specific kink, but it is still deeply intertwined with D/s and BDSM for me. I want to be the degradee, the person who is beneath the degrader. And the ability to live out this kink is something that I really appreciate. I mean, I wouldn’t beg anyone to piss on me, or come because they call me a nasty whore, unless it was in the safe connection that D/s is for me.
Six – Accountability
I never thought that I would feel responsible for another person’s well-being, less so that I would feel such a strong accountability because of our power exchange. But everything that I do, all the effort I put into surviving, functioning, doing chores, taking meds, not letting my mental health get out of hand? I do that because I feel accountable to my Master. And I never felt that way in previous relationships. It seems to be intertwined with the D/s part of our connection. I want to see him feel calm and happy when he sees that I am trying.
When I was on my own, I gave up easily. Not outwardly, but I gave up on myself. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, I self-harmed. But now I can’t do that anymore, because I want to please my Master, I want to see approval in his eyes, not fear or disappointment. That has been really good for me.
Seven – Communication
I am a person of many words but I tend to avoid talking about myself in depth. I describe things intellectually and detached instead of really expressing my feelings, needs and boundaries. But when you are in a D/s connection, you need to really communicate. I can’t avoid to talk about my feelings because my Master needs to know about how things are for me to make safe decisions. It is really difficult for me to walk the path of open and honest communication because it leaves me very vulnerable. But I appreciate that being in a D/s relationship has pushed me a little in that regard and I can actually see how it has an effect on other areas of my life as well, a positive effect.
Eight – Structure and Stability
I hate structure, routines and needing to adapt to someone else’s idea of stability. I could say that it is because I am a free spirit and no one can tame me. But that would be bullshit. I just have a hard time to be consistent and structured because of my mental health. I can never predict how I will be doing and my plans can change from one minute to the next. But because I am in a D/s now, there is no room for deviating from at least a basic structure. I have to get out of bed, I have to take my medication, I have to shower regularly, I have to eat. And my Master pushes me to do those things, meaning that because of him, and the D/s structure that we have, I am able to take better care of myself.
Nine – Sex
I already mentioned masochism, degradation and power exchange. Ever since I have been dabbling in D/s, I have had the best sex ever. I don’t even know how to describe it. It is limitless yet safe. And it is an intensity of arousal I never thought I could experience. It is crazy, magical, rough, hard, caring, and totally fantastic. And it has all to do with that it is part of a D/s relationship because I am now being pushed to let go, and to be sexual, and to not hold back.
Ten – Personal Growth
Being in a D/s relationship has helped me incredibly much to grow on a personal level, and I feel like it has been the same for my Master. We push each other into spaces we didn’t know existed for us, and we learn so much about each other. D/s forces you to communicate,, yes, but you also have to face some uncomfortable things about yourself: limits and why you have them, being accepting of one’s own kinks. What I especially love is how supportive my Master is when it comes to my skills and abilities. He believes in me more than I do, and often suggests that I do things that will help me believe more in that I am capable and competent.
Eleven – Exploration and Adventure
I am a curious person and being in a D/s relationship has led me to corners of my mind and kink that I didn’t even know existed. Every new kink we try out, every new technique for control, every new way to administer pain or idea to degrade, is an adventure. I love the excitement that BDSM and D/s have brought to my life. And I don’t even have to leave my home to explore intriguing new worlds!
Twelve – Good Girl
Fuck, I am a sucker for a good girl as much as the next submissive. I crave it and sometimes even innocently ask for it, “Am I a good girl?”. It just sets off a rainbow of glittery happiness in my mind, like my mind is being tenderly stroked. I admit that it doesn’t come from a healthy place because it is linked to the trauma that I had to endure during my childhood. But I think I turned into something healthier by actually getting that need for love, care and acknowledgement met safely.
Thirteen – Self- Love
Being in a D/s relationship, being someone’s submissive and puppet, has shown me that I am worthy of something. Whoever thinks that everyone should find worth in themselves and not how others treat them is quite invalidating of those of us who never learnt that they were loved, cared for or could ever be worthy in comparison to others. I got taught quite the opposite when I was a kid. So realizing that I am fuckable enough for someone to want to meet my submissive needs, that there is someone who wants my submission and is willing to fight the brat in me for it, has done a lot for my own view of myself. I am closer to accepting my submissive and kinky sides, but also other parts of myself.
There you go! The 13 things that I love most about D/s and my submission. Did I miss something? Is there something that would be on your list and that isn’t on mine?