My Sexual Journey
I love sex. When you come to my blog, that is probably one of the first things you notice about me. I am a very sexual person and I don’t hide that fact. But it took me many years to get to a point where I not only accept that about myself, but also embrace it. Especially when it comes to out of the ordinary kinks, BDSM and the need for a D/s connection. For most of my life, my sexuality was hidden and sex wasn’t prioritized. And it never had anything to do with me being a prude, but with trauma, body image issues and shame.
I am a strong believer in that our childhood shapes all that we are going to be in the future. It is there that the foundation is laid for relationships, for interests, for priorities in life, for how we view the world, ourselves and others. And it is also then that our sexuality gets formed. I am not taking a Freudian approach here (that misogynist had so much wrong, he really was more of a bad guesser than a decent psychologist) but I am saying that the way we connect to our bodies, the needs we are going to have in the future when it comes to partners and sex, is all shaped during childhood. I don’t mean sexual orientation, of course, but sexuality as in what will get us off in the future and how much sex will matter to us.
My childhood was pretty shit. I got emotionally, physically and emotionally abused. Daily. By people who were supposed to take care of me. So naturally, I had huge trust issues when I grew up. But not only that, I also had a hard time understanding what is appropriate or not, and I didn’t understand that affection was something pleasurable. I never learnt the rights and wrongs about bodies, sexuality and relationships. And I guess that is why the first people that I started to date were all bullies and abusers. I had my first kiss at 9, in the schoolyard, because some older guy was into me. Half of my class was standing in a circle around us, he pushed me to the ground and kissed me. Everyone laughed. I thought that was normal.
When I became a teenager, it didn’t get much better for me. I got sexually abused in the Scouts at 11, I got sexually degraded and abused at school from ages 13 to 15. While my friends were having their first real relationships, I was jumping from person to person. I was never single. But that didn’t mean that I had a rich sex life. I said no. Every single time I was able to, I said no. I thought sex would hurt because that is what I had learnt. And I thought that I was not attractive enough, because that was what I had been taught.
I wasn’t frigid though. Nope. I masturbated. A lot. All the time. It was my coping strategy to deal with my anxiety. It was a way to destress. And my fantasies always went into the BDSM direction. I even self-administered pain, I called myself names. I fantasized about gang bangs and pain, about being used and pleasing others. But all that, that was in my head. People could read that I was a sexual person and I was often called a tease. But I said no. Every time. And I had the oddest offers, from threesomes to rockstars, from all genders, from people I actually had a crush on. But I didn’t feel safe, I didn’t trust that I wouldn’t get hurt or that someone wouldn’t make fun of me when they saw me naked.
I gave blowjobs, handjobs, I licked cunts and played with boobs. I just didn’t allow anyone to touch me, or do anything to me. And there was sex all around me. My friends were in the kink scene so I often went to kink parties. One of my best friends even had a dungeon in his home. I didn’t judge anyone. I found it all intriguing. But I would have never found the courage to engage. I did sit in cages for photoshoots, and I did watch others playing. But I was too shy and too scared to do anything myself.
My First Time
I was 23 when I had sex consensually for the first time. It was vanilla sex. I didn’t hate it, I quite liked it. My boyfriend at the time eventually became my husband and we were together for 12 years. The first couple of years we still had sex regularly. It wasn’t amazing and I often didn’t feel much. But it was a way to be close to someone that I loved. I definitely wasn’t pushed to be the horny slut that I am today. During the last two years of our relationship, we didn’t have sex once.
Eventually I couldn’t keep my sexdrive to myself anymore. I felt like the sex that I was having with myself, wasn’t enough. And I think my bipolar disorder played a role here too, as I went to a phase of very high libido due to a bipolar episode. I had a lot of affairs online. Sex online became my thing. It was safe, I could control how much they could see, and I could just close my laptop when I wanted to disengage. Eventually, I met a guy who was as horny as I was, and who was open and really wanted to try out a lot of things.
But we were more than just sexpartners, we also had a romantic connection. It was with him, that I was able to let go, allow him to have control. He instructed me a lot, told me what to do for his pleasure. I found that really arousing and played along. He pushed me into degrading spaces I didn’t even know existed. Eggs inside my cunt, drinking my own pee. We went all in. He eventually came to visit me too. (he lived in Singapore, I lived in Sweden). At that point, he was my Daddy Dom. Our real life sex was just as crazy as what we had done online.
At the same time, I was dating another guy. He used erotic hypnosis on me and he was my Master. He was more of a sadist and more into control than my Daddy Dom. And he had a bit more experience too, and wasn’t at all holding back. He is my current Master.
And together we have managed to explore many kinks, different sides of BDSM, and D/s. And we are still discovering new things all the time. Sexually, him and I are a perfect match. But also relationship wise we want the same things. And because we are aware of that there is no need to hold back, I can finally feel free in expressing my sexuality, and with that also who I am. We have been to kink parties, I started this blog. But at the core of it is that I am now with someone who I know is safe, someone who I can trust, and someone with whom my sexuality can blossom.