Taking the Initiative
I am a proactive person. And I have been called a leader, and someone who is really great at coming up with new ideas, problem solutions and taking initiatives. I have the drive and motivation to lead projects, to do things that others need from me. But that is all in a professional setting and when it comes to taking care of others. I can have a clear head then, and because it is only about short term motivation, I often take the initiative. I get things done. On a personal level, this looks totally different though. I am not a great advocate for my own needs and I lack the motivation to do the things that are good for me.
It is all about taking the leap and just doing it, isn’t it? I have been struggling with this dichotomy of my behaviour for so long. This situation where I am able to advocate for others and make decisions that help sort professional issues. I can motivate and push others. I can help them with the confidence to take the initiative in their own lives, in their own relationships. But I am the total opposite when it comes to myself. I don’t take initiatives in my own life. Instead, I am often stuck, scared or shy.
I think it is most obvious to me when it comes to sex and relationships. Most of the relationships that I have been in, just happened. I have had a lot of crushes (haven’t we all?), but I never managed to take the step and try to tell them how I felt. The effort to start a relationship never came from me. I think a lot of it had to do with confidence. I didn’t think that the people that I was into, would be into me. And I assumed and was scared about potential rejection and that is why I never took the step. I sometimes wonder if that is why I ended up in a lot of mediocre relationships. I was dating people who wanted to date me, and took the initiative to make the first step, but I never even tried to communicate my feelings to those I actually wanted to date.
Well, until the one time I actually did just that. It was with the Dom that I had before my Master. I was the one that was pushing a bit, that got in touch, that read between the lines and did the dance of seduction. Thinking about it, it was definitely related to a hypomanic bipolar episode. I was horny, and needy for love and attention. So I went for it. And the hypomania gave me the confidence and the lack of care about potential rejection that I needed to take the steps that I took. Although the relationship didn’t end well, it was kind of a starting point for me to show more initiative when it comes to romantic relationships.
Because the same thing happened with my Master. Well, not exactly the same thing. I was very intrigued by him, and I knew that he was dominant in the bedroom and in relationships. It took me quite some time to get the courage together, to make a move and to test the waters. I was definitely the one initiating our relationship. And what was the motivator? You guessed it: I was horny and in hypomania. I remember still then not being able to do the obvious and just communicating my feelings. I was talking in hypotheticals, to make sure that any potential rejection wouldn’t hit me as hard. Something like. “Let’s assume you and I would start playing, how would that look like?”
I got what I wanted eventually, but I still felt the whole situation was very awkward and I actually can’t believe that he went for it. I know he would have never taken the initiative for a romantic relationship, that is not who he is. He needs to know that someone is into him, before he is able to allow himself to even explore any potential emotions for the other person. And that is a legit approach to relationship. So without me having taken the step to initiate a conversation about a hypothetical relationship, we might still be in the friendzone.
There are a few areas that I am still struggling to show initiative. Sex is one of those areas and it really frustrates me that I am unable to take the steps to show my partner when I want sex or when I want to try out different things. I think partly it is still connected to my lack of confidence. While I feel better with my body nowadays, I still feel uncomfortable being seen as a sexual object. I feel ashamed and shy admitting that I want to be touched or have sex. I don’t want to be a bother, and yet again, I am really scared of rejection or humiliation (which is funny because I am into erotic humiliation). So I rather stay on the safe side, and wait until my Master initiates anything.
My lack of initiative is partly linked to my submissiveness too. I don’t feel like it is my place to ask for sex, or for certain things. I am there to please him. What I want doesn’t play that big of a role in the moment. Which is fine, which is what I signed up for, and what I enjoy. I just wonder if there was a way to communicate things to my Master sexually, that wouldn’t feel humiliating, needy or too leading. And I mean, can a submissive even initiate sex in the same way a dominant can?
I guess my brattiness is a subtle way of telling him that I would want to play. He knows that I want his attention then, at least. And there are maybe also subtle signs in my behaviour that show an interest in sex. But practically and proactively initiating sex? I am not sure if I will ever be able to do that, my confidence, fear and my submissiveness kind of close that door for me.
I think that generally, taking initiative has a lot do with confidence and motivation. And those two can be negatively impacted by so many things: life, circumstances, health, relationships, stress. So instead of trying to take the initiative, and forcing yourself to do things you don’t feel confident about, it might be better to look at why you are unable to take certain steps and be proactive. Because once you have addressed the causes, you might be able to work towards more confidence and motivation.