Fear is running through me. Leaving deep traces of footsteps that no one can see and only I can feel. Dread that makes me open my palms to the heavens, looking for a God that doesn’t exist. Someone, something to make this doom disappear from the realm of my mind, from the foggy grey rooms I search answers in. No replies. No redemption,
Fear is creeping back in. Where does it start? What does it end? Screaming leeches around me, dancing harlequins in the distance. Everywhere I look, everywhere I try to reach, is doom. I have no words, I can not express the pain that leaves open wounds inside me.
Turning around, twirling, trying to climb up. Up up the wall, into the corner of the ceiling, hiding like a spider in an invisible web. Naked and exposed. Dreadful silence. Waiting. Anticipating. But the shadows are catching up, they don’t climb, they crawl, they spread without losing energy. Closer and closer. My skin is cold. I am sweating the tears of my mind. Shadows so close I can taste them, embracing me, overtaking me, entering me. Silent.
Jumping down, dragging legs and scraping knees. Run I can’t, dig I can. Dirty nails, deeper deeper. Hiding like a badger in the warmth of the earth. Dig, dig, dig. It is watching me, waiting. Needing a blanket, needing the embrace of soil. The darkness behind closed eyes is just as terrifying as the darkness around me. Tears blur my view. Helpless devastated puppet tortured by the cruelty of a world that is assumed.
Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe. Sit up. Crawl back, back back, until your naked skin meets the cold wall. But there is nothing. The wall is a thought, is imagined. Silly puppet feeling trapped, weaving her own web, digging her own grave. Stuck. Staring into the abyss. A moving abyss. Feeling the darkness approach. Lips glued together. Not a sound.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe. Head tilted now. Curious sparks shooting light into the black space. Fear, doom, despair. The abyss. Fascinating dread. Here, there, everywhere. Nothing can stop what is coming. Breathe. Feeling the cold touch on my skin, feeling it on my mind. Tickling. Laughter. I am the harlequin now. Let me entertain you, just let me show you what I have got. You don’t scare me.
Tears running down my face. Not a whimper. Breathe. The claws of fear slowly running up my legs. I can feel the small steps it takes, one two three four five. Over my naked belly, over my breasts, my nipples erect. I am ready. Try me. Dread sitting on my shoulder, despair seeping into my mind. I welcome you, my friends. Fear sitting on me, holding me down. I am your puppet, play with me.
I open my legs and the dampness around me becomes one with me. I am damp, I am wet, I am ready. The claws of fear twisting my nipples. Not a sound. Not a whimper. Sliding up and down on me, sliding in and out of my mind, sliding in and out of me. I move my hips in your rhythm, despair. You play the music, I dance. I dance for you. My ass off the ground, I push my cunt right up in the air.
Take me fear. Fuck me, doom. Give me all you got. Make my cry, make me shiver, make me scream, make me want to die. Give it to me. My clit swollen, come on, I know you want to flick it, to bite it. Hurt it. Give me all you got. My mouth opens and I scream. The darkness in my mind is clouding me view. The pain is excruciating. I scream and scream, and scream.
My heartbeat is racing. Despair is pulling me down, pushing. Dread is trying to lift me up, tense, anticipating, ready. I am torn apart. Pain. So much pain. I move my hips, faster faster. I can feel the throbbing in my clit. Didn’t expect that, fear, did you? My hand finds its way to my cunt and I start rubbing. Hard. Painfully hard. “Do it fuckers, give me what you got!” I scream, I cry and I feel the tension become too much. I twitch, I fall back and I howl. Streams of tears are running down my face, dripping down my chin onto my chest. Waterfalls of cum leave my cunt. And there is the light, for a moment, I see the light, the sparks of pleasure coming from pain light up the darkness. I smile.
Darkness again. I don’t need to open my eyes to know it is there. I embrace myself, my hands on my shoulders, fingers digging deep into my skin. And I fall into a deep slumber.