I Am Kinky As Fuck

I have always had kinky fantasies but it took me many years to translate those urges and needs into a reality of sexual pleasure. A kink is something that is seen as deviant from the sexual norm, something that could be classed as a perversion. Kinks, fetishes and paraphilia have long been been described as sick, or something that needs to be treated within psychiatry. While there are kinks that at least have to be controlled and limited because they would translate into abuse or breaking the law (like pedophilia and necrophilia, for instance), many kinks today are at least in certain circles socially accepted consensual practices.

Sexual Deviancy?

I don’t understand the idea of something being sexually deviant behaviour because it means that there is a norm. What is the norm of sex? Where does vanilla stop and kink start? If you’d ask people to define those two terms, you’d most likely get a lot of different answers. I assume that the norm is what hetereosexual men assume is pleasurable. I mean, for centuries upon centuries, it has been the male gaze that has defined everything, so it would only make sense if it is still that perspective that draws the framework for mentally healthy sex.

It can be difficult to see where the line is drawn. Is anal sex kinky? Are blowjobs? Creampies? Or are all those part of the norm? I am also not sure where fetishes begin: what about men who are only turned on by big tits? Or women that only love hairy dudes? I think the whole idea of that there is something like “normal” sexual behaviour is ridiculous. I think I could agree with that there is healthy and unhealthy sexual behaviour. Healthy sexual behaviour is anything that gets you off or brings you sexual pleasure, without breaking consent or breaking the law. Unhealthy sex would be the kind of behaviour that breaks the law, that violates consent or that gives you irreversible emotional or physical scars.

Kink Positivity

I am sex positive, and I am kink positive. I don’t think that pushing societal norms onto people is the best way to go. Instead, there should be open discussions about sex, and kink, to lift the stigma. It is okay to have fetishes, it is okay to get off on pain, it is okay to only like missionary sex in the dark under the covers. Whatever floats your boat. There are very few kinks and fetishes that I find appalling. But it doesn’t matter what I think of them, the person who engages in them needs to enjoy them not me. I don’t even mind taboo kinks, heck, I participate in quite a few of them, like breath play or ageplay.

It has taken me a long time to get to a place where I am okay with actually following my sexual urges. Sure,, some of it has to do with my past sexual experiences that were about abuse and sexual assault. But a lot of of it also had to do with that I self-stigmatized. BDSM and D/s are maybe less controversial now that 50 Shades of Grey has become such a major success (although it doesn’t really represent things accurately). But it is still difficult to talk about those in a public space because of stigma.

My Kinks!

I am a very kinky person. There are so many things that interest me sexually that I haven’t even tried out yet. Some of the things I enjoy, have made me think though. It took me a while to accept them, to embrace them. And even now I sometimes think: what the fuck is wrong with you, woman?

Let me give you a few examples! I love erotic humiliation. I like being called names during sex, I love to be degraded, to be shown what a slut I am. See, in a sexual context that might work, but outside of it, it would be kind of abusive. So for a while I thought that I was wanting to relive old traumas, until I realized that nothing about erotic humiliation made me feel bad. I felt great during it and even though afterwards I might sometimes feel a tiny bit of embarrassment, it is still something that I don’t regret.

I am also a masochist. I very much enjoy pain as a form of pleasure. I love sliding into subspace and experiencing pain on a totally different level. I get paingasms and I can be pushed into a place where I literally beg to be hurt. But ya know, when I stub my toe on a dark wintermorning, I still scream and do not enjoy that pain at all. I don’t love pain, I love pain in a sexual context. It can be hard to understand for those who don’t have this kink, but I tend to explain it as a kind of physical sensation, just a more intense one.

I love pissplay, especially the humiliating aspect of it. But also the feeling of it running down my body, of the warm flood covering me in something forbidden. I understand why many would see it as extremely yucky. And it has been a kink that I actually for a long time held back on because of self-stigmatizing.

The list of my kinks could go on and on. I don’t see kink as something that is forever written in stone. It is more like a neverending journey of discovery. I love trying out new things, learning about new kinks, reading up on things that I don’t know much about yet. My soft and hard limits constantly change and evolve, and so do my kinks. I am not sure if identifying as kinky is especially important to me, it is just one thing about me. But it is not a part of me that I am hiding anymore. This goth is kinky as fuck.

Whatever Floats Your Boat

I have taken quite a few positive steps when it comes to self-stigmatizing. This blog has definitely helped with that. I openly talk about my kinks and what turns me on. But what I have also learnt is that there is still so much misinformation about kinks, fetishes and the kink community out there. There is so much shaming. Psychiatry still discusses kink as a deviancy from the sexual norm.

I think norms of any kind are limiting, and the focus should always be about if something brings a person pleasure, or if it affects them negatively. I am standing by my opinion that all kink is okay as long as it is consensual and doesn’t break the law. If it makes you feel good, and it doesn’t hurt anyone who doesn’t want to get hurt, go for it. Society at large might not encourage you but the kink community will definitely welcome you with open arms.