Voyeurism – Not for Me
I am not attracted to bodies. It is not the first thing I notice about someone, and it is not the first thing that makes me want to pursue any kind of romantic and sexual connection with another person. While I can appreciate the beauty in physicality, I don’t get turned on by it. I need more than seeing a naked body. I need to know the personality, the way someone behaves, how they are around others. Basically, I need to be able to get a sense of who they are as a person. First then does my attraction radar set in. And because I am so seldom attracted to solely the physical form of another human being, it is to no surprise, that voyeurism isn’t one of my kinks.
Attraction and Bodies
I look at bodies more as a representation of the beauty in the world. There isn’t a body type that I am particularly attracted to, nor is there one I would dismiss right away. It is one of the reasons why I am pansexual: I like all genders and body types equally. For a while I thought I wasn’t attracted at all to muscular men or those people who had plastic surgery. But it became clear to me that their unattractiveness wasn’t about their bodies, but about their vanity and total focus on physical attributes. Vain and shallow people are not my sort of people.
So seeing other people naked, with consent or even accidentally or secretively, doesn’t do anything for me sexually. I would feel more awkward than aroused if I were in the position of a voyeur. It would make me feel like I crossed a boundary and have made them feel bad because I am looking at them when they are at their most vulnerable. A naked person in front of me first becomes sexual when we talk to each other, when we touch each other, when we flirt. If I am not involved with them, their body leaves me cold.
Voyeurism is a lot about watching other people play or have sex. And I have seen plenty of that in my life. I have been to play parties and dungeons, I have seen friends suddenly getting sexy with each other. And I just felt like an intruder. I don’t like the idea of witnessing other people’s intimate moments, other than maybe learning from them.
I like to see the connection between people when they are doing scenes at play parties. The teasing, the laughing, the flirting. I like to see the sparkle in a sadist’s eyes when they let the whip crack, or hear the scream of a masochist when the tail of said whip lands on their naked skin. It is fascinating. But does it turn me on? No. I have never actively stood anywhere and observed a scene. I just sometimes caught glimpses of it in the corner of my eyes. And none of it has made me want to go further and observe more closely. It is interesting that people at play parties do their scenes on display so others can watch, but I still feel like I am intruding and disrupting their private moment by just taking a glimpse.
Sexual Play and an Experience of Voyeurism
Scenes at play parties aren’t necessarily sexual though. But even purely sexual moments of others do not turn me. There was one situation that made it very clear to me that I am not a voyeur. My Master and I were at a play party and we went into the backroom where people were allowed to have sexual play. We just wanted to make out a little and I felt weird doing so in public. There was a couple of women who were sitting on a mattress under a blanket and were clearly getting each other off. I automatically wanted to steer away from that. So we went into the other corner of the room and my Master started touching me and fingering me.
Then another couple, a man and a woman, entered the room. They were in their 20s and he was clearly the Dom and she was the sub. There was a sort of table in front of us. He made her lie on it, on her front, her face was towards us. He pulled down her knickers and started fucking her. And me? I just wanted to get out of there! All my arousal had just poofed and I felt so awkward. I didn’t find this fun at all. I didn’t want to watch other people have sex. On the contrary, seeing someone in front of me having sex was actually making me dry instantly. It didn’t help that my Master got distracted by what was going on in front of us and I felt ignored, which is a trigger for me.
After that incident I reflected a lot around why I find seeing other people have sex in front of me, or watching them, a turn off. I am quite sure it is partly related to my childhood trauma. I find sex, in close proximity of me, not a very pleasant experience. But I also think it has to do with the fact that I am a submissive. A voyeur takes. They show their sexual need, they are the person openly taking sexual pleasure from watching others. Consensual voyeurism is an action of taking, in my eyes. And I am not a taker, I am not the active part in any sort of sexual situation. I am not the one playing, I am the one to be played with. It just doesn’t fit at all how I approach sex.
Voyeurism and Submission
So I am not attracted to bodies in the first place, I feel like an intruder and awkward when seeing others play or have sex, I get turned off when being close to others having sex, and I find voyeurism to be in contrast to my submissive needs. But surely, I must like exhibitionism? I show myself naked and in sexual poses on this blog, I am a sexworker. So I must get aroused by others seeing me naked. Well, I don’t. I am the one who is the most covered at play parties. And I don’t even go to the beach in a swimsuit, I keep my clothes on. I absolutely abhor being naked around other people. And being naked in public, when I take pictures, is always a huge anxiety moment for me.
Voyeurism, Exhibitionism and Candaulism
I don’t like the way that my body looks and in real life, I have no control over angles and edits. I can control what I look like dressed though. That is what makes me feel least exposed, and least vulnerable. Online, on the other hand, or when taking pictures, I view my body differently. I create art, I create content. I decide what people get to see. And it still confuses me when people see me as a sexual object.
There is a bit of a paradox for me though. I do like objectification when it is consensual with a partner, and I do like when he points out to me that I am a sexual object to others. I also fantasize about my Master presenting me to others, or using me in front of others, or even making me have sex with others. It is sort of the ultimate erotic humiliation for me, and the ultimate way to show him that my body belongs to him. So forced exhibitionism, or as Missy has called it: candaulism, is a turn on for me, in theory.
I don’t kink shame. Voyeurism and exhibitionism, when consensual, are very legit kinks that I know a lot of people are into. But they are not for me. There is too much awkwardness, too much of an active role, and too many body image issues to make them a fun option for me. I can see, and have fantasized, about them being part of an erotic humiliation scenario. Do I want that to become a reality though? I am really not sure.
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