Rituals in D/s Relationships – Not For Me

A strange kind of love
A strange kind of feeling
Swims through your eyes
And like the doors
To a wide vast dominion
They open to your prize

I understand why D/s couples would want to implement rituals in their relationships. They are not only a representation of the the power balance in the relationship, but they also help manifest that balance. Rituals in a D/s relationship can definitely strengthen the connection between the partners, they can put someone in the right kind of mindspace. I can definitely see how they can be a good way to keep the D/s connection afloat if things go south in other areas.

Strictness versus Flexibility

This is no terror ground
Or place for the rage
No broken hearts
White wash lies
Just a taste for the truth
Perfect taste choice and meaning
A look into your eyes

Rituals in D/s connection have always more been something for strict discipline focused couples, those that are more Master/slave based for me. Those connections where the domestic aspect is very strong. I am not in a relationship that belongs in any of those categories. I am not collared, I am not being constantly disciplined and the D/s connection that my Master and I have, is more based on an understanding that he is the one to make the decisions in most areas. That I am the submissive, and that he is the Dominant.

We are quite flexible when it comes to our D/s. I don’t mean that the D/s aspect of it is loose, because it isn’t. It just isn’t all planned-through, it is constantly evolving, changing and is established in other ways than rituals. It is in the way I address him, for instance. We have a few rules that we both try to follow, and that we often discuss and change if they don’t work out. It is only in the bedroom that things are stricter. In the bedroom there is no wiggle room for me, unless you count the fun brattiness that always is part of our play in one way or another.

At one point I thought that a strict D/s relationship with rules and rituals would be perfect for me. And it still might be, with the another type of Dom. But my Master is more a caretaker dominant and I love that side of him. But that also means that discipline and punishment are hard for him. His sadistic side blossoms in the bedroom, but outside of it, he rather wants to give me a hug than a spank. I am not complaining about that. I love that he takes care of me, I need someone like that in my life. But it also means that a strict D/s is not on the table.

What limits us

Blind to the gemstone alone
A smile from a frown circles round
Should he stay or should he go
Let him shout a rage so strong
A rage that knows no right or wrong
And take a little piece of you

We have the rules, and we have the general understanding that I am the submissive and he is the Dominant. Everything that comes after that is kind of taking it as it comes. I think the unwillingness for rituals also has to do with my mental and physical health issues. If you would ask him, he’d probably say that it is the main reason that we haven’t implemented any rituals. I already have trouble keeping up with simple routines every day: getting out of bed, eating regularly, showering, taking meds, checking my blood sugar levels. I often need help with even the basics. When I was living on my own, and the only reason to get out of bed was to clean the cat’s litterbox and give her food. That was often the only thing I left my bed for, for weeks on end.

Added rituals wouldn’t make our relationship better. Instead, there would be more pressure, more stress and maybe even more conflict. Because if I am unable to not do a ritual, then punishment would be needed. He dislikes punishing me, and it is very hard for him to read if I am unable to do something because of health issues or because of my general stubborn brattiness. We would both just feel more lost and insufficient in fulfilling our roles.

What works for us

There is no middle ground
Or that’s how it seems
For us to walk or to take
Instead we tumble down
Either side left or right
To love or to hate

I understand why many D/s couples have rituals. Many couples have them, as a matter for fact, D/s or not. Religious people have them. They are a good way to show your devotion to the connection you want to honor. They are gestures, they are a way to show love, care and respect. Rituals can strengthen a relationship, they are a way to show commitment and they can make you feel safe in the connection.

I can see all that. But I just don’t think they are the right tool for me, to experience my submissiveness or to strengthen my connection with my partner. There are other things that make me feel submissive, that make me feel closer to my Master, that make our relationship better.

For me personally, it is not about repetitive actions that might lose their meaning after a while, but seeing that we are trying to incorporate our D/s dynamics when possible, and that we get through difficult moments together. We have become quite in tune when it comes to focusing on my mental health, routines, setting a foundation for the future, and prioritizing our D/s dynamics when possible. Rituals would limit us, we need flexibility.

What I think of routines

Our rules and how it is going

Another post on rituals in D/s

Lyrics are “A Strange Kind of Love” by Peter Murphy.

September Song Project copyright mrsfever.com

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6 Responses

  1. Sweetgirl says:

    Thank you for sharing your perspective on this topic. I know some of the rules we have tried over the last 2 years have turned into sources of stress for me instead of something positive and as a result they get removed. I agree that if you were to find a ritual stressful instead of fun then it definitely isn’t worth doing.

    • Yeah, I agree with you so much. If a ritual turns into a stressor, then it isn’t working. And that is okay. All D/s relationships are different, and everyone has different needs.

  2. missy says:

    This is really interesting and you have made me think. I can see why this would not work for you and that the flexibility works better than the structure. Our rituals are easy things for us to do and are not punishable so we are not strict either but I can see that for others they might feel like pressure although they work well for us. Always great to be able to read about a topic from a different perspective to your own. 🙂

  3. kisungura says:

    I think we are very similar in this regard and I can relate to a lot of what you have written. We only ever had a couple of rituals – him putting on my day collar in the morning and kneeling before play. Or are they rules, or protocols…who knows?! It doesn’t matter what’s called what I think, as long as it works for you both.

    • See, those are the kinds of rituals I can imagine integrating in our D/s relationship too: kneeling before play or putting a collar on, They still seem pretty easy to follow, even when not doing well, Eh, I think they are all kind of the same things or interconnected, rituals, rules, and protocol. I know for sure that high protocol would never work for me.

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