D/s Relationships: Issues and Solutions

D/s relationships
Image from Pixabay

It is quite interesting to read about other people’s experiences with their D/s relationships, both what the submissives and the Dominants have to say. What I have realized is that most actually struggle with similar things and have similar frustrations. Vanilla relationships don’t always follow the same patterns, and issues are very individual to each connection. But when it comes to D/s relationships, the foundation is always that of a Dominant and a submissive. And it doesn’t matter if it means only in the bedroom, or in a 24/7 connection. And when that foundation isn’t solid anymore, other things in the relationship seem to crackle as well.

She stays my hunger with a burning meal
And I feel shelter in her bloody sea
I call her devil and I call her God
She cures my soul while my senses rot

Communication

There is a reason why people choose certain relationship models. It is about feeling safe with each other and about needs that should get met. As a submissive, you expect certain things from your Dominant, and vice versa. And if those expectations aren’t met, then D/s couples are pretty great at communicating that. Or they are expected to do so. Because the general idea is that communication is the most important part in D/s relationships, right? But it seems like there are so many things that can get in the way of that. Might it be past experiences that make it difficult to feel safe enough to express what you really think or feel, or you maybe don’t want to hurt your partner. And I totally get it: submissives and Dominants are human, and a perfect relationship really doesn’t exist.

Circumstances

Life can get in the way too. We cant always prioritize our D/s connections. When things are in stress mode, when something unexpected happens, then the D/s aspect of your relationship needs to take a back seat. It can be difficult to find the balance there. You want to be able to be in your role, but for that, both partners need to prioritize just that. And we can’t always be in tune with each other like that, life is not a static thing, it constantly changes and that is when we need to be able to adapt our D/s connections to life, one thing we have control over, the other, we don’t, after all.

Health

I think health plays a role here too. Mental or physical health can have its challenges, and also constantly changes. We get older, our libido might change, our bodies aren’t able to do the things we used to passionately engage in. Maybe you can’r get it up anymore, maybe you don’t get wet anymore. Maybe your depression has made you lose your libido, maybe your heart issues mean that you need to take things slower. And that doesn’t even mean only sexual. If you are a service sub, or a Disciplinarian, there might be other physical needs that you suddenly can’t meet anymore.

What I am saying is this: even the most strict and stable D/s connections change and need to adapt to the things that are not changeable, life’s circumstances, health issues, aging and even changed needs are not something we have control over. All we can try is to be flexible and work on our relationships.

I’m burned by love the heart of earth
While preachers announce the end of the world
A carnal love in the dead of night
My heaven’s hell from the other side

Our D/s Connection and Rules

So that is what my Master and I have been trying the last eight weeks or so, changing things up a bit in our D/s connection. We mainly introduced some rules because we felt like things were too lax outside the bedroom. We both had needs that we wanted to have met. So what we wanted to change was not our dynamics per se, but the strictness of it. And that meant that we both needed to do our part in it, put more effort into upholding the D/s structure.

We had no major issues, there were just some things that we wanted to improve on. I needed to see more consistency and punishment from him, and he needed me to cut down on the brattiness outside of the bedroom. It doesn’t seem too complicated now, does it? So we implemented some rules. We wanted our power exchange to resemble something close to a 24/7 D/s connection.

How did it go?

I would love to say that we have succeeded and that we are in a happy 24/7 relationship now, but the reality of things is more complicated. Life’s circumstances, a lack of communication here and there, and health issues, got in the way sometimes. I have put a lot of effort into reducing the brattiness outside the bedroom and while not always instantly, I listen to commands better now. I think the main thing that I have been able to change is to address him with respect, and with “Master”.

It is still difficult for him to read if I am playing him or if I am legitimately unable to do something. And to be honest, I am not sure either. Because sometimes I might actually be able to do something if I am being pushed. That could be going for a walk, cooking, cleaning or writing. Other times I am not able to, because of my health. So what I am still missing is consistency and punishment, the two things he wanted to work on. But it is not something only he needs to take responsibility for. I need to communicate better so he knows that I am well enough to be pushed or punished.

But we are communicating. We have realized that the D/s element of our relationship is what keeps us stable together. I have a natural tendency to take over and to take control. But when I am in charge things tend to lead to chaos because of my mental health issues. So it is good that he is the Dominant! What we have now discussed is to come up with a way for me to communicate that there is absolutely no way for me to pushed in that moment. And if I don’t communicate it, then he can push. I need his dominance to be consistent, I need to feel it. So realizing that he will push, and maybe even sometimes to poke him to do that, would help me a lot. It would make me feel safer and it would meet my submissive needs.

One area that we still function really well in, is sex. We had a discussion about how things had become a bit too routiny. We did the same thing which we knew worked for us but which didn’t reflect the spectrum our kinkiness. But then we looked through a list of kinks together and realized that there are hundreds of things that we still want to try out. Some of them we didn’t even know we were both interested in. Ever since talking about it, we have tried out new things and our sexife has suddenly become more exciting. We have bed restraints now, and we have also tried proper anal sex for the first time!

We seem to be struggling with similar things like most D/s couples. Sometimes there is a lack of communication, sometimes life gets in the way and the D/s part of our relationship can’t be prioritized. And a lot of times, my health issues limit us or at least makes things more complicated. But what I sense is that we both really want this, that we really care about each other, and that we are good together. And our sex life is still amazing. I am hopeful, and grateful.

Lyrics are from “Your Master is Calling” by Pink Turns Blue.

September Song Project copyright mrsfever.com

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14 Responses

  1. Raven Lee says:

    It’s great that you are both able to communicate your way through the issues as they arise. We’ve definitely found that it’s really the bedrock of our D/s. I hope the new rules give you some good structure to work with!

  2. PurpleSole says:

    Oh yes I think you are right that we have much more similar struggles than we think. The only constant is change so we evolve as we go. Woo for anal sex!

  3. kisungura says:

    A very pertinent read for me this morning, thank you x

  4. Sweetgirl says:

    Nicely put. I would doubt the truthfulness of any blog or account of a D/s relationship which didn’t have some hiccups, stumbling blocks or ups and downs… this is life after all and it’s what we do with it that truly matters ❤

  5. ddjennifer says:

    Communication is the #1 ingredient in all healthy relationships and an absolute MUST in D/s. As you stated, even in D/s it can have its ups and downs. Me and my husband designed my weekly Maintenance Sessions as a “communication meeting” of sorts. A time that I can be air whatever may be bothering me without fear of offending him or being punished. I have to remain respectful in how I deliver my “grievances” but it isn’t that difficult (usually). Anyway, my point is having a scheduled time to have a “one-on-one” dialogue about the relationship is invaluable. We look at Maintenance as being about maintenance on our relationship, not just maintenance on my submission.

    • I love the idea of Maintenance Sessions! I have heard from other D/s couples that they have scheduled communication meetings so they can both provide feedback to each other and come up with solutions to make things work smoother. Such a fantastic idea!

      • ddjennifer says:

        https://ddjennifer.wordpress.com/2017/10/10/170-modifying-our-maintenance-sessions/
        That link covers how we do Maintenance. We’ve tweaked it a bit since then but it still follows a similar process. The key is it is a designated time I can request clarifications, express my wants and needs, and even provide him feedback on things he did. All tricky things to do within a submissive mindset, but I believe our guidelines make it all work. Thank you again for your great post!

        • Thank you so much for sharing the link! I read through it and there is more discipline and punishment in your sessions than there are in ours. But our dynamics isn’t much about rituals as we both are not much in need of them. But I like the idea of having reflective conversations at the same day every week. Again, thank you for sharing!

  1. November 7, 2019

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