I have never really been one for conventional relationships. My longest and most successful relationship during my teenage years was with an asexual biromantic man. My longest relationship so far had been with someone 18 years older me, a drug addict who lived in another country and who I met online, poorer than even my student self was. I never looked for the conventional things: someone to start a family with, someone who is stable, someone I can show up at my parents’ with, someone who can provide for me. I was more after connection, and chemistry. And I wanted to feel like I could be good for the other person.
My current relationship is quite unconventional too. I am dating someone who is 19 years older than me. I am half-German/half-Iranian and he is an Ashkenazi Jew originally from Russia. People would already raise their eyebrows at that: culture clashes and all that. But it is not only that. I lived in Sweden, he lived in Canada, and we started our relationship online. We are polyamorous (even if not actively looking for new partners), and we are in a D/s relationship. We know that we are most likely not going to have children with each other and that I will never be able to work in the capacity that it would significantly contribute to our finances.
I know our relationship might seem odd to others. When we go out together, we look quite mismatched at times. I am the full-blown goth, while he prefers dressing more adapted and mundane. I don’t mind, of course, but others might sometimes wonder if we are rather father and daughter than an actual couple. I don’t really care, because it is not about if we fit outwardly but that if we connect on levels that are important to us.
I personally prefer that he is older than me. It makes me feel safer, less like I need to mother someone (people tend to come to me to be mothered because I am a good listener). I like being with someone who is mature, knows where he stands in life and has wisdom in areas I know nothing about. And I also have daddy issues, and I am not hiding that fact either.
The culture clash perspective amuses us both and we actually joke about it quite a lot. Neither of us is religious or identifies with their cultural heritage much. Our families would have maybe hated each other 100 years ago but as we are both not even very close to our families, none of that matters. But others might just shake their heads at that because they don’t understand how unimportant cultural heritage can really be to people who have moved countries many times in their lives and just aren’t part of close-knit families.
We are polyamorous, and at the same time, my Master dislikes using the term love. It doesn’t matter much to me, to be honest. He shows his care and emotional attachment in many ways. I don’t need to hear “I love you” several times a day to know that I am loved. It is actually a bit amusing how we both are irritated by our emotional attachments to each other at times, for different reasons. But it can be a bother if the other person’s mental state can affect you lots because you have that strong emotional connection with them.
We used to be more actively polyamorous, with both of us also being in other romantic connections, But those eventually fell apart. We are not actively looking for any new partners, but we both know that we have strong polyamorous tendencies. And if either of us met someone new, I know we’d discuss it and then go from there. I feel confident in our connection and I like that we have not locked away the possibility for other relationships.
Our relationship is a D/s connection. I am his submissive and he is my Master. We are very fluid when it comes to that part of our relationship, always depending on circumstances and our mental states. But there is always a strong element of it because we both need it so very much to feel secure and happy with each other. In the bedroom it is always the case, there isn’t even a question about it. Outside of the bedroom, we are still struggling to find what exactly works for us. My many mental and physical illnesses make it hard to find a stable ground, unfortunately. But we have a willingness, an agreement and a want. He is my Master and I wouldn’t want it any other way. It makes our relationship so wonderful and so exciting for me.
One of the things in our relationship that a lot of people would most likely judge is my dependency on him. I am financially dependent on him. I don’t work (although I have been writing for money here and there, it doesn’t exactly pay bills) and I will most likely never be able to work. I sometimes feel like a leach, to be honest, not being able to contribute much financially. I have trouble accepting that I am unable to provide for myself. But the dependency doesn’t only lie there. I am dependent on him for my survival. Without him, everything falls apart. It is not that I am not good at adulting. I am actually quite good at adult things, like budgeting, doing chores, keeping on top of things.
It is about literal survival. I know that without him, I’d be dead already. I would not be able to take care of myself, of my mental and physical illnesses. He is the reason why I am fighting through bad periods, why I don’t kill myself. Well, not him exactly, but the possibility of happy moments with him. He takes care of my in so many ways, and I will forever be grateful for him to do so. He has given me a new shot at life, he has given me such happy moments that I crave more of those.
I am happy with him
Our relationship isn’t perfect and I wouldn’t want it to be. I despise perfection because it doesn’t allow space for growth and learning more. We want to strengthen our D/s. My mental and physical illnesses make things really difficult almost every day. But we are happy with each other, despite the obstacles.
I am very aware of that our relationship is a very unconventional one that many people would have judgmental opinions about. But what matters is that we meet each other’s needs, that we make each other laugh, that we don’t want to be without each other and that we have amazing sex with each other. I moved across two oceans for him, and I don’t regret that one bit. In a few days, on Halloween, we are going to get married (if we get all the papers together in time, that is), and I have never been so sure of anything in my life: I want to be committed to this man.