30 Days of Submission – Day 20: The Strength of my Submission
Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?
My submission has definitely become more prominent with time and has also become purer. Although I wonder if it has actually increased or if it has been pulled out more. While I can see that I am more submissive in many areas, I think it has a lot to do with the safety I feel in my relationship and how much we have worked on our D/s connection outside the bedroom.
As I mentioned in other posts of this series, my exploration of my submissive side started in the bedroom. My submissive side had always been there, in me, I just never had the chance to let it come out, for it to shine. I needed the right context to understand more about myself and my submission. In the beginning, my submissive side was very much limited to the bedroom. And even there, it always went from being bratty, to being completely submissive. I had to be pushed to let go. Nowadays, I am still bratty but I don’t always have to be. A lot of times I just automatically go into the submissive space in the bedroom, especially when it comes to sexual availability. The bratty side of me will never die, but it has been become less prominent than it used to be!
The evolution of my submissive side in other areas of my life has been slower. I like having control (anxiety makes you do that!) and hate not being able to make sure that things feel right. But again, I think even here that my submission has always been inside me, just buried deep inside under the chaos that often is in my mind, and my strong need to want to appear like a strong and independent woman. I am not used to not being able to do things the way I want them to be done.
So I tend to lash out when I get told to do something that doesn’t feel right in the moment. Although, after some thought, I get why I was told to do a certain thing, that it made logical sense and that my reaction was emotional. I also feel silly for not listening, because it would have met my submissive needs.
I had to talk about certain areas where I would be unable to just obediently follow a command, most of those are related to triggers or internal fights (inside my mind) over control because the situation is anxiety-inducing. Although, I think it is good thing, that I am communicating those things. Every relationship, especially D/s relationships, has a trial and error process. You agree on things and try them out, and then you talk about if it worked or not, and tweak the things that weren’t working out. It is all about communicating, expressing needs, and giving things a try.
My Master and I have done wonderfully in communicating lately. He has stepped up in his dominant behaviour, wording things as commands instead of suggestions, punishing me when needed, reading me better. That has enabled me to be more submissive. It is like our connections are now more in tune with each other. I needed him to be more strict and dominant, while he needed to feel that I could be more submissive. It is difficult to maneouver sometimes, because as a caretaker Dom he has more of tendency to hug and care, than to punish and be strict. But things are way better balanced now!
One way in which I definitely feel that my submission has become more prominent is the way I address my partner outside the bedroom. The “Master”, or lately also “Daddy”, comes naturally to me now. While I sometimes still address him with his first name, things are slowly changing.
I think in general, the strength of my submission has not decreased or increased. It just feels right for it to flourish now, and I have found many new ways to express it, in a safe and strong D/s connection.