Warship my Wreck – I need rules with consequences!
Can not say, I am breaking the rules, if I can glue them back together. – ‘Warship my Wreck’ – Marilyn Manson
I have been thinking about writing this post for a while and that actually got me and my partner discussing the topic as well. We don’t really have any strict rules in our D/s relationship, other than the understood general dynamics: he is in charge, and I am not. I have never felt that a strict regime or rules were needed. Our relationship was mostly limited to the bedroom, and if it sometimes found its way into other areas of our lives, it eventually lead to fun in the bedroom. I like going with the flow. I love that we have a strong D/s and BDSM dynamic in the bedroom! But something has been missing. Something that we have both somewhat longed for, and that is to expand the D/s dynamics into some other areas of our life together.
Caretaker Doms, brats and inconsistency
I need stability in my life. I need routines, I need small goals and I need to feel safe. Inconsistency really confuses me, and if there is no stability around me, things can deteriorate pretty quickly for me. He, on the other hand, needs someone who actually shows respect, follows his commands and who doesn’t pout or argue over every request he makes. I am generally someone who needs a lot of care, and support. I have never had that in my life. Our relationship is the first one where I actually feel comfortable asking for a hug, or opening up, or letting go and just cry. There is no need for fear of judgment. I am not scared to be invalidated. He wants me to communicate and not hold back, so he can understand me, my needs and he can feel like he can make a difference.
He is a caretaker Dom in many ways, and some parts of our dynamics are very close to DD/llg. I am the one being supported and cared for. I never thought I’d be comfortable in that role. Usually, I the one taking care of others. Listening to others, emotionally supporting others. So this all is a new experience for me, but one that I have desperately needed all my life.
But there is a consistency issue that we both have been experiencing. While the roles in the bedroom are pretty clear (although I often let my bratty side out, I am submissive and it is not difficult for him to get me into that space). The going with the flow approach seems to work great in the bedroom, but it doesn’t work outside of it. Mind you, we never really planned for any 24/7 relationship, although we both expressed interest in it. It kind of evolved naturally, the behaviour, the need.
I have read kingsura’s post on the topic and it got me thinking some more. Her relationship with her Dom sounds very similar to what me and my partner have. He is very aware of my mental health struggles. We are both always making sure that I do not get triggered or I end up in flashbacks. While I am trying my best to communicate, to be honest and to follow his lead, he is trying his best to read my reactions, to constantly evaluate and to make sure that I feel safe with him. He wants me to feel safe, to feel cared for, to feel guided. And I want him to feel respected and helpful. We also have principles and values that we always follow: communication, mutual respect, honesty, check-ins, using the safeword.
All those things work great in the bedroom, but because things get a little bit more complicated in other areas of life, I think we both need just more consistency. It gets frustrating when my bratty side comes out and I am just refusing to do things, or am fighting about it. And I don’t feel like I need to follow his commands because there are no real consequences. So he stops trying to push, and I get sad because I am unable to follow his lead, and I have hurt his feelings.
We both have the need for a D/s relationship that expands into more areas than just the bedroom. We have tried to apply the natural go with the flow approach that works in the bedroom to other areas, and it just doesn’t seem to work. Might it because I am a brat, or because he gives up too quickly. Probably both.
There will be rules!
So we need rules, rules that come with consequences and punishment. The thing is, I am into punishment, I am a brat after all, I am out after the punishment! He calls it “funishment”, when I am literally poking him to the point where I get spanked, or he takes over physically. I want that! That means that we need to come up with consequences and punishments that I do not enjoy. I often do not enjoy the lack of something, something being taken away from me. So there are definitely conseqences and punishments that I would not enjoy!
There is also the problem with my mental health issues and the risk of me being triggered. I think it is important that we have very strict rules and plans on what to do when that happens. Maybe through trial and error find out what works for me, and him. We communicate a lot with each other, express what we need, and when we are unhappy with something. So we will find ways, I am sure of that.
What sort of rules, and what areas of life are hard limits, those are actually discussions I am looking forward to have. Not only for my own need for safety, but also finding out which areas he actually would want to have more control in. I know that some D/s couples have rules about hygiene, clothing, make up and such. And I know that my partner is not especially interested in having control in those areas.
I think it will be more domestic rules (although I would never have a DD connection, some aspects of it peak my interest), the way I communicate with him sometimes (brat brat brat) and not arguing once he has told me what to do. We will have to start with some small rules, and then go from there. I wouldn’t want dozens of strict rules that change who I am, or what I do with my life. But a strong framework that makes things easier for the both of us, and where both of our needs are being met. The goal is a harmonious relationship where the roles are clear. And at the same time, none of us have to change who we are.
I am really excited to see how this turns out, once we have started to implement some rules. This is related to the quote from the Marilyn Manson song. I am a brat, and I will test. I will try to see where the limits are, I will poke and try to manipulate. There need to be consequences. He needs to be following through with his part of the deal, for me to follow through with mine. Once the safe framework is established, I might be able to let go, not only sexually, but on a deeper level.
Do you want to read more reflections about rules in D/s relationships, click the link!