Discipline in D/s Relationships – Is it for me?
I have never been someone who followed the rules. I question authority and try to change rules that I feel are immoral or arbitrary. That is maybe not the best trait for a submissive. It is difficult to get me to be disciplined in regards to things I don’t believe in, or that don’t seem to have a goal. I would also need to see an intention that I feel is going to help me, or help others. But then, my questioning of rules is often more on a systemic level, so maybe discipline would work as one of the pillars in my D/s relationship?
Discipline when Growing Up
Growing up, I didn’t have a lot of rules to follow, and those that were in place seemed just focused on punishing me. My food intake got controlled because my parents decided I was fat a a kid. They tried to convince me that I needed to be skinny so I would get a good man in the future and my family didn’t have to be ashamed of me. I broke that rule by stealing candy in the supermarket, or sometimes eat in the middle of the night when everyone else was sleeping.
There was basically only one rule in my family: be respectful towards my father and do as he says when he is around. But he wasn’t much at home. He was either at work or he was in the shed with his friends to take drugs. So it was all pretty much laissez-faire most of the time. So when he was around, it got really confusing because I suddenly had to be all disciplined and the smallest mistake, and I got punished. But most punishments were pretty arbitrary, so I never really understood what I had done wrong. Maybe I used the wrong word, or I didn’t jump right away when he needed his lighter. Maybe I walked past the TV when he was watching a movie. Or maybe it was because I was fat, or a disappointment. It didn’t make sense.
I was pretty much neglected. Sure, there were curfews. But my father was never much around, so how would he know I wasn’t at home when I was supposed to? No one ever asked me where I was going or who my friends were. I was not forbidden to smoke, drink or take drugs. I sometimes lied when I wanted to go to a concert in another town, or even country, and just said I slept over at a friend’s place.
My parents showed absolutely no interest in my school work, and the older I got, the less they knew. I didn’t get help with homework, I didn’t get told to study or to not be out too late on school nights. It was like no one cared. The random punishments were about things I didn’t know were rules, and were mostly related to the way I looked and “what others would think of our family if they saw you”.
Me and Discipline
So this lack of consistency in authority, the rules that I didn’t even know existed, and the arbitrary punishments, made me both scared and distrusting of those in power positions. I am someone who is rebellious towards the system and its discrimination of minority groups, for instance. But when I have to deal with an authority figure one-on-one, I am scared and don’t dare to say anything.
Knowing that that is my background, it makes sense that discipline and rules in my D/s relationship is a bit of a complicated subject. I have a strong need for rules, for limits, for structure and being pushed into growth. But those rules need to be something that I feel are helpful, where I understand the intention and I agree with them. And I would always push and see if not following them would lead to any sort of consequences. If discipline is expected of me, the implementation of that needs to be disciplined as well.
I have talked about it a lot of times before: I need consistency in dominance. I can understand that no one can ever be on top of their game all the time. There are off day and I know that the ideal situation that I’d need, is more a hypothetical. But if there were some rules that were like that, and I would need to be disciplined or otherwise I’d get punished in ways that I would not enjoy? I think I’d get somewhere and also appreciate it.
I have discipline in me, I sort of set my own rules when it comes to things. It really showed when I was at university, and also in my volunteer work. I have goals that I focus on, small goals, and I get things done. But that sort of discipline also led to OCD behaviour for me as I overdo things. The eating disorder I suffered from was a representation of that. Still, it shows that I can be disciplined and maybe just need guidance and a safe framework to use that in positive ways. In my system, there is a specific alter who is very disciplined, has the OCD tendencies and tends to get things done, even in times of adversity. So if my Master would engage her and her skills, things could turn out positive.
Discipline in My D/s Relationship
In the D/s relationship I have with my Master, discipline doesn’t play a big role. We are not following any specific rules at the moment. That is mostly related to my mental and physical illnesses. It is difficult to have consistency because there would be so many exceptions, depending on how I am doing. That is why we mostly have a go-with-the-flow approach in our D/s. It is frustrating for both of us, because we have needs that are stronger than that. He just can’t always punish me when I can’t follow a rule, and sometimes I might manipulate my way out of doing something because I know that he is too concerned about my health to punish me.
So there is only one general guideline that we follow even outside of the bedroom: to show respect to my Dominant. That includes things like addressing him as my Master, to not be disrespectful, to not tell him what to do but to phrase things as questions. I can be disciplined in that area even when I am doing unwell. And being the brat that I am, there is some playroom for me there as well.
I would never be able to be in a Domestic Discipline D/s relationship, with strong rules, strong expectations of service and discipline. I like our more laissez-faire approach. But I wonder if stricter rules, cautiously discussed and implemented, would maybe make me more disciplined in my D/s, but also in life in general. Being forced to be disciplined is maybe exactly what I need. I also understand and respect the difficulties that my illnesses bring, but they might be easier managed with more discipline as well?
With the one basic rule that we have (be respectful), I can easily play around when I am doing okay and have a need for punishment and disciplining. It is difficult for me to get punished without enjoying it, so things often turn sexual quickly. The times I try to break the rules, it is sort of an invitation for my Master to punish me, and to start sexual play too.
Do I need discipline my D/s relationship? I think I do. But I don’t need it to be the main component, and I have accepted that strict discipline might never work for me because of my own inconsistencies. I can see how discipline can lead to accomplished goals and better self-confidence. Having someone you trust help with that, does seem like an inviting concept. I definitely enjoy the punishments that I receive when I break our one major rule. So discipline and the possibility to question the authority that oversees it, makes my bratty heart beat faster.