Body Love: N is for Naked

It might not come as a surprise, but I am uncomfortable being fully naked. It doesn’t matter if I am alone or with someone that I am dating. These days, I am okay being naked around my Master, as long as I am not aware of that I am naked. I need to be focused on him, or we need to be doing something. The moment I realize that I am not wearing any clothes, I try to hide my body.

I have already talked a bit about how I dislike my boobs, and how sex has always been an issue for me because I couldn’t fathom the idea that anyone would find me sexually attractive. A lot of it has to do with internalized fatphobia and fatshaming. And I tend to compare myself to others. You barely see someone with my boob shape, or my body shape, in popular porn movies, or even vanilla media.

So I learnt how to make myself look alright enough. I picked the right clothes, I learnt how to put make up on, and I always made sure I looked proper. I created an image, an illusion, of being attractive. Now you might say that you can’t really trick people into thinking that you are pretty or fuckable, but I think you can. It is about making people think they know what you look like underneath the clothes. Their own imagination becomes the true image of you. Actually, my favourite philosopher, Slavoj Zizek, calls it presentation.

We all decide what we want to be seen as. It is something that we do consciously, or subconsciously. No one can read our mind, nor can they look underneath our clothes just like that. So all we are to others is the sum of the things we present to them. All others see of us are our behaviour and the way that we choose to look. Whatever is behind that all, doesn’t really matter, because most people don’t look that far. He has this great example of Hitler (he is a good example for a lot of things, sadly). Hitler had a pretty shit childhood with a lot of bullying. But no one gives a rat’s ass about the sobstory. What people always will remember of him are the terrible things that he has done. He chose to behave in that way.

So. I choose to dress a certain way, and I create an image, where people assume certain things about me, without ever going into depth about how I actually look underneath the clothes or the make-up. Because most people don’t put the effot into finding out the real you: your stoty, your life, or what you actually look like naked. Assumptions and categorisations are easier. But having decided to kind of enhance the way that I look, I was aware of that I couldn’t meet the expectations and assumptions others have of me. And I think that was also a huge contributing factor to that I never felt comfortable undressing in front of others, or even going to the beach, the gym or anywhere where less clothing was a thing.

I am a tease, and I know it. I tease, I flirt. I know how to be seductive and sexy. And I have played a lot with that in my life. I was known as Miss Blue Balls in my friendship circle when I was younger because I made people all hot and bothered, but then I backed out. I knew that if I let them touch me, or see me naked, they would not be attracted to me anymore. So the teasing helped me feel sexy, but also made me stuck. I couldn’t imagine anyone seeing me naked.

I also need to admit that I used that self-digust of mine, that digust over my own naked fat body, as a form of self-harm. With my mental illnesses, I am sometimes in mindspaces where I want to be self-destructive. So I sent nudes to men, not flattering nudes, only to get to hear how disgusting, fat and unattractive I was.

With my ex-husband, I was mostly only naked in the dark. Even when I was skinny (only two years of that), I didn’t feel comfortable walking around our home naked. Later, I had a Master who would constantly comment on my weight and the way that I looked, which didn’t help my insecurities at all. It is only now, with my current Master, that I am able to let go, during daylight even!

I am not as worried about angles with him, or looking unattractive with my boobs being all weirdly-shaped, or my belly showing. Unless, well, unless I become aware of that I am naked. It could be that I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, or that I suddenly feel a cold breeze on my naked skin. I become self-conscious really quickly. So there is progress and I am not sure if that is all the progress that I am able to make.

I know that I post nudes on my blog. And I am even considering creating an onlyfans account. That is also progress, for sure! But also, it isn’t. Pictures and videos of myself nude or semi-nude, in sexy positions? I can control the angles, I can control the light, the filters, what parts of me can be seen, and which parts I can hide. It is me, but not the real me. It is a presentation. And it might make me feel better about myself, but I will also always be aware of that I am sort of faking it.

I know that most people don’t even think much about how they feel about being naked. But I am a very sexual person, and I want to feel okay with myself. I want to be able to shower and not wrap a towel around my body before I dare look into the mirror. I still have a long way to go, but there is progress already.

I am doing the A to Z challenge during the month of April. My theme is Body Love. So you will get 26 posts from me, following the alphabet, related to the topic body love. You can check out more about the to A to Z challenge by clicking on the banner. You can find a list of sexbloggers participating in the challenge on Mrs Fever’s site.