Gaslighting: Is it all my fault? – Broken by Manipulation

Did you know that there is a natural tendency for abusers to find their victims? They don’t look for the strong that they can break, they can sense your weaknesses through whatever walls you have built up for yourself. Their spidey senses discover your weak spots. At the same time, if you have once been through abuse (especially during childhood), you seek out people who are similar to the ones that hurt you. That kind of attraction is not your fault, it is just something that automatically happens. That is why a lot of victims of abuse end up in cycles of abuse, they subconsciously are drawn to those that could potentially hurt them.

It is basically another and more unhealthy form of what Freud already had talked about: a lot of times we seek partners in adulthood that liken our caretakers when we were children. We are conditioned that way, we are taught that way, we have developed behaviour that is tailored to the needs of our caretakers during childhood and of course we’d look for relationship dynamics where those behaviour make sense.

And that doesn’t only have to apply to romantic relationships, it can happen in all connections you have with other people. If someone does a certain thing, you react in the way you have been taught during childhood is the best way to handle a certain kind of situation. Let’s say someone is angry with you, you could react with soothing the person who is angry (also called fawning), you could run away from the situation, you could turn silent and freeze, or get angry back at them and fight. Those are all reactions to the same situation. And how we react to the situation is very much based upon our experiences in the past, and what the consequences of someone being angry at us were then.

I am one to soothe others whenever I can. I am scared of conflict, of threats, of making someone upset. So when conflict arises, I soothe the person I am in conflict with. I am not sure how to stand up for myself, I don’t even see that as an option in the situation. All I get is scared and confused, and I want the person to not get angrier with me, fearing further consequences. I know where that kind of behaviour comes from, and while I have been working on how to react in a healthier way to feeling threatened, I often automatically go into soothing, forgetting my own needs.

Polyamorous Happiness

I needed to explain those things first before telling one of my recent experiences of gaslighting, so my behaviour might make sense to those reading my story. It is a story of support, friendship, polyamory, things falling apart and resentment leading to abusive behaviour.

I had been working in a volunteer organization that supports people with mental health issues for several years and one of the people who I regularly supported was a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder, Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. She was struggling quite a lot but I was good for her, and we had a positive connection where I was able to keep my boundaries up. She eventually decided to also work on the supporter side of things and give back, so we had a positive connection there as well. It was a little skewed because I never shared anything about myself, and I was someone in a leadership position. But it all worked pretty well. Eventually a friendship formed between us. We laughed a lot and talked mostly about light-hearted topics, and sometimes also connected outside the work environment.

At the same time I got closer to a man we both worked with. He was my rock during a very difficult time during my life, and we built a strong connection. I eventually found out that the two of them were dating, and were in an open polyamorous D/s connection. The relationship between me and her partner got stronger and eventually needs popped up, as my submissive side woke up. After bringing that up with him (I am a communicative person, and I felt safe sharing my thoughts and feelings with him), I thought there might be a possibility for things to evolve into something more sexual and relationshippy. My on and off partner at the time didn’t want anything committed or monogamous so it felt like an okay move to do.

So, as the adult that I am, I talked to my female friend. I didn’t want to cause any issues in their relationship, and I wanted her okay. She was my friend, she was someone I cared about. I wanted things to work out okay. If she had said no, I would have not pursued anything. But she said she was okay with it. And after him and her also discussed things through, all lights were on green. And me and that man started to have an absolutely wonderful relationship during that time, the sex was amazing, it was so awesome to finally explore my D/s and BDSM tendencies. It felt safe, I was happy. I was also still dating the other guy and on and off (also exploring more of the BDSM world). And my female friend was still together with our mutual partner as well.

Things Fell Apart

And behold, things worked out for a short while! But, all good things come to an end, eh? My female friend started to express strong feelings of jealousy. That is not an unexpected reaction to an polyamorous situation. It is something that needs to be talked about, and processed. I had had her “okay”. So I was assuming that it would be something that her partner and her would work out with each other. But things got complicated instead.

As her previous support, I felt compelled to support her when she was struggling. And I tried to do so, non-judgmentally, too. It was quite hard because we were dating the same guy though, and I really didn’t want to give my opinion or tell her what to do. I wasn’t jealous, I felt my needs were met and my relationships were going great. But she started to feel set aside, nothing I blamed her for. She felt that way, and it was up to her partner to make her feel needed and cared for.

The communication between those two was totally off though. It was really sad to see. I didn’t want to meddle into their business, and although I was happy with him, I suggested more than once that I could take a step back so the two of them could work things out. But I was told not to do so, because him and I were happy, and I wasn’t the one that had to solve their issues.

I had lengthy discussions with her and asked over and over if she was still okay with him and me dating. And she said it was. But at the same time she had meltdowns where she started to call me names, made me into the devil, and just generally lost it. I think at one point I was called a manipulative demon that sucks the life out of everyone close to her. It was all very confusing.

So I went into soothing and I tried to support her. I was not expressing my own feelings. I lost my boundaries with her and I felt like I was the culprit of her misery. Forgotten were the times where I was good for her. I had made her feel bad, I had broken it, it was all my fault. Now looking back, I am not sure why I got all her hatred. I was not having the relationship with her, her partner did. While he got a lot of the drama too, it was me she was out after.

She knew a little (too much) about my past, my issues, and it was like her abusive side got activated and poked my weak spots. The relationship between her and our mutual partner fell apart eventually because he couldn’t handle her jealousy anymore. The sad thing was that she didn’t even acknowledge her jealousy, up until the end she continued to state that she was okay with him and me dating, while she at the same time asked for a monogamous relationship in which he would not be allowed to have sex with anyone else. He didn’t want to change their relationship form. So there was no way to salvage things anymore.

Is it all my Fault? – I am the Demon and an Abuser

At that point I already felt like I was the cause of it all. Although people around me, and my partners, all said that it wouldn’t have mattered who he would have started dating, her jealousy would have come out and they would have had those conversations and the inevitable break up anyway. Maybe. Even after the two had broken up, I tried to stay in touch with her.

Until one night. That night she called me an abuser. She called me a narcissist. She told me I am a bad person. And it broke me. I fell into a million pieces. And I had tried my hardest to be kind to her, to support her, to not get involved in the fights she had had with her partner. I believed her, I believed her that it was all my fault. I believed her that I am an abuser. So I disappeared from her life, because I didn’t want to hurt her anymore.

You might think that an abuser would defend themselves. That an abuser would deny it. That an abuser would try to hurt the person calling them an abuser. I did none of those things. I beat myself up, I was broken and I fell into depression, into self-harming behaviour. In retrospect, I can see how she was gaslighting me. But then, then, I believed her.

But things were not over then. We were still working at the volunteer organisation together, and she spread what happened. Everyone suddenly knew, my private life was not private anymore. And of course she told everyone her side of the story. But she also spiced things up. Apparently I had harassed her on the internet, threatened her and I was an abuser. I had gaslighted her, made her believe that she was the reason for things blowing up. And you know what? I started to question my own sanity. I started to wonder if I had actually done those things without realizing. The thought was that not every abuser abuses consciously. Maybe I had created accounts on different sides without remembering it? Maybe it was really all my fault? Did I break her on purpose? I started to actually believe her.

And everyone else believed her. I didn’t stand up for myself, because I was so unsure about if there was actually anything that could be said in my defense. Long story short: I lost my job because I brought drama into the organisation. In retrospect I am quite disappointed that I wasn’t once asked for my side of things, and that the person actually spreading things about my private life didn’t get stopped. I know now why she didn’t get stopped: she used her mental illness and played the pity card. I tried to stay professional and kind throughout it all, although I have almost the same mental health issues she has. There was no running around and sharing those facts about myself with everyone.

Today, a couple of years after is all happened, I know that she used gaslighting on me. I understand that she was hurt, and she projected her hurt onto me. I was not an angel in it all of this, there were quite a few instances where I could have walked away from the relationship but I didn’t. There is a want to believe, her “okay”. I shouldn’t have.

I should have saved myself. But I didn’t, I soothed, I tried to ignore my own feelings, I believed her perspective on things. And the sad thing is, even these days, when I am having a low moment, I start believing her again. I think of myself as a bad person who broke her, no matter the feedback from others who have been in the situation with us, or were close to us during that time. However much she thinks I broke her, she broke me even more.