Ecstasy and Fireworks
Sometimes you forget that something extraordinary exists. You get used to mediocre, to okay, to just fine. You don’t remember that there is something better out there. As long as you are satisfied, you get distracted from wanting ecstasy. It is easier to stick to the familiar, knowing it will get you were you need to be. Because constantly chasing the fireworks can lead to a lot of disappointment. It is scary to take risks, to ask for things or to just take the steps that could leave you in bliss.
I have been totally fine with our sex life in the last few months. It hasn’t been the best it had ever been. But it got us there. There were a lot of contributing factors to why we didn’t push each other. My health is always an issue, but there also wasn’t as much energy in either of us to play for hours like we used to. Although I missed some of the oomph of a strong D/s, especially in the bedroom, I wasn’t dissatisfied. I had trouble getting off anyway, and I often felt guilty that I wasn’t as needy, as available and slutty as I used to be. But I have also been accepting of that libido and needs are not always consistently strong. I am sure that we still had sex more frequently than the average couple.
But something changed lately. I can’t really say what. It is a bit like the floodgates opened again. It could be related to my bipolar episodes. Or maybe my Master feels more confident taking control and pushing again. It has been easier for me to want, to need, to ask for it. Our playtime got longer, more intense and we definitely have sex more often now. It is a bit of a relief. Although I have been accepting and patient, there was always this nagging voice in the back of my head, telling me that I am not enough, that I am not meeting my Master’s needs. There was a worry that he would leave me, or just feel very sexually dissatisfied.
Our relationship has been very sexual from the beginning. We have different connections on different levels: intellectually, emotionally, support-wise and sexually. Sex is one of the important pillars of our relationship. And when that pillar cracks a bit, everything else seems to get unstable too. But fortunately that is in the past for now. I am aware of that things very much fluctuate for me and that in a week I could already be in a totally different place. But know that excellency still exists and that our connection can be just as strong when the circumstances are right, is a relief.
I got reminded of what is possible when we are both wanting, needing and our D/s is working well. I have the perfect example for that: squirting! I can be pushed and pushed and eventually my body and my mind just let go of all control. When I am in that space, and the physical and mental push and pressure are strong enough, I can be made to squirt. I discovered that only a few years ago, and although it is was never a typical thing to happen, during our sexual high times we actually had to buy a protective sheet for our bed.
And now it has happened again! The last two times my Master gave me forced orgasms, I squirted! I got reminded of how fantastic our sexlife can be, if and when we are both into it. And somehow it made it extra-special that I didn’t expect it to happen. It came out of nowhere for me. It was not on my radar at all. And I think it made the fireworks stronger, the ecstasy more unbound.
The first time, I was on my back, and he was pressing a very strong wand on my clit, from the bottom. And with the other hand, he was squeezing, almost pinching my clit, holding it in between two fingers. The sensation was so overwhelming, tears were running down my face. I was screaming because it hurt so much, it was so uncomfortable. And at the same time, I wanted more, harder, stronger, more pressure. Thus are the confusing feelings of a masochist.
I remember him laughing, his elbow pressing down on my lower stomach so I couldn’t move. He was working hard on me, and there was no escape for me. I fell deeper and deeper into subspace until my mind was floating and I was nothing more than a puppet dancing after her Master’s commands. The pressure inside me was building up and it first confused me, but when the relief came and he called me a nasty slut for covering myself in my own cum, I knew what had happened. And it didn’t stop, another ten minutes of forced orgasms and torture, and I was resting my naked ass in a puddle of my own juices. So very embarrassing, so very hot.
The second time was just as amazing and yet again, I didn’t expect it to happen. I honestly think that the surprise moment, the realization of how far he had been able to push me, and how much of a slut I am, makes it even better. This time, he was pushing me with a wand, and four fingers inside me. I could feel his knuckles hitting my flesh, I could feel him spreading me. He was fucking me so hard, I wanted to crawl away, but I couldn’t, he didn’t let me. I smiled. I like when he actively keeps me in place. So I let go again, I laid back and instead of fighting, I leaned into the discomfort, and started to enjoy it.
And this time, he pulled out his fingers when he felt that I was about to have an orgasm, and boom, the fluids started to squirt out of me, all over him, all over myself, all over the bed. I felt how a puddle was forming under me, but there was no way for me to escape, so what else could I do than to embrace the slut that I am? It was amazing, it was ecstasy and rainbows.
It is hard to not always want just that, and be okay with the steady fine sex again. But then, I hadn’t missed it because I was distracted by being satisfied. I hope I won’t forget again. The lack of expectation made it better, but not having thought about the fireworks in so long is sad. Just the memory of the blissful ecstasy could make it easier to want and need, next time when things are in a low tide again.