Survival – Without You, Everything Just Falls Apart
Without him, I wouldn’t be able to survive. Now, how many times have I not wanted to slap someone in the face when they expressed a sentiment like that. Particularly women who still go for traditional heteronormative ideas of love and relationships, tend to cling to the idea of finding or being with the one person that will complete them. The person that will make their lives livable, that will give their lives meaning. And without whom, they wouldn’t be able to survive. I guess that is very closely linked to the notion that a man used to be the sole provider of the family, the head of the family and the rock that everyone could lean on. It is about survival.
Times have changed, and women are more independent. In the Western world, they can be perfectly fine without a partner providing for them. And not only that, with therapy being more available to most, and divorce rates being high, the idea of the one person being anyone’s everything is very much a shaky concept. Monogamy is not the norm anymore, with open relationships, swinging and polyamory becoming more accepted. It is a great time to be a woman. We have freed ourselves from the chains of patriarchy, we can start living our lives the way we want to live them! We are all strong and independent women! *raises fist into the air*
I am a dependent woman
Unless. Unless you are me. I am a feminist. I have strong opinions and most people look up to me for expressing those. I want to be independent. But I am not. I have never wanted to be in a traditional relationship. I also never dreamed of being a homemaker, a mother or being financially dependent on anyone. I wanted to be a free spirit, living an alternative lifestyle, expressing myself creatively and trying to make the world a better place. I still want to do those things. But I can’t do them alone.
I know, I know, this sounds like I am one of those women, putting all I have into one person, so I don’t need to be on my own and deal with things alone. But the thing is: I would not survive without my Master. Dramatic sentence, but a true meaning. As most of you who follow this space are aware of, I suffer from an array of mental and physical health issues. And those issues make it quite impossible for me to take care of myself properly. But with the help of my Master, I have been able to work on some routines, he pushes me, he makes decisions when I am unable to make decisions. Not only that, he is the only person I trust with my emotional support. And he is the only person I allow myself to let go with sexually.
Taken care of
I have never known what it feels like to be taken care of. My parents never did, and in my previous relationship, I was the one that was more in charge of things. But now that I am in a D/s relationship, I feel safe to let someone else take over. He gives me care, and attention, he is supportive and guides me. It makes sense that I cling to that. It suddenly gives me a feeling that is new to me: safety. And although it is confusing to me, that he is what he wants. He thrives on that I feel safe with him, that I trust him.
The D/s dynamics strengthens that kind of bond that we have. He has my best interests at heart, he wants me to be better, to be stronger, to grow and to learn. But it isn’t only that: he makes sure that I survive. For others, in their D/s dynamics, it might more be about personal growth, about being pushed into living up to your full potential. A good dominant in a D/s relationship does just that. A good submissive follows that lead and trusts in the Dom’s ability to make the right decisions. I wish it were that easy for me.
Sexually, I am very much fine with that he has total control over me. Although we are not monogamous, he still calls the shots. I tell him who I want to flirt with, who asked me if they can do a cum tribute for me, if a step I take is into the right direction. He decides what is okay for me to do and what is not. I love it. It keeps me safe, it gives him total control over my sexuality and we are totally open with each other about things.
When he wasn’t here for ten days, I was dying sexually. It didn’t matter how much I masturbated, which porn I watched, whatever fantasies I made up in my mind, it just never felt right. The orgasms came, but they were not as satisfying. I missed his touch so much. The pain he gives me. The control over my orgasms. His cock inside me. I am dependent on him sexually. And you know what? However much frustrating that was, it is also a turn-on. I love that it is that way. It makes me feel submissive and connected to him.
The Dreadful Ten Days
But there was something else, too. During the ten days of his absence, while he was travelling, I digressed. All my routines disappeared. My will to live vanished, and my mental health issues took over my mind. My physical health issues got worse. Without him, everything fell apart. Again with the drama, woman! But dear people, it got dramatic and dangerous. I wasn’t able to leave the bed in ten days, other than short trips to the bathroom or the kitchen. All my routines were thrown out of the window.
I need to eat regularly because of my diabetes, but I didn’t always manage that. I went four days without a shower at one point. I started self-harming again. I had to turn to the very last medications I had saved from Sweden to be able to sleep. But sleep I did during the days, not the nights. And without his reassurance, my physical health issues scared the shit out of me. I have had heart rate problems for a while, and an old neurological problem with spasms and twitches all over my body, seems to have returned. Add to that weakness and dizzyness. And what do you get? A very very scared puppet.
I was stuck in a circle of thinking I was going to die at any moment, all alone, in a bed, with no one even realizing I would be gone. To that I actually wanted that to happen because everything was meaningless anyway. To that I should end it all by myself right now because I wanted to have control over my own body. Let’s just say: those ten days were absolute terror for me.
They very much reminded me of where I was mentally and physically after my divorce. I had no one to turn in real life and being alive was kind of not always a safe bet. My Master’s support, even if only online, was the one thing that kept me going. But even then, I still had people in real life to turn to if things got really bad. Professionals, friends. Here, in Canada, I have no one. And with the scarce support from him during those ten days (because he was travelling and just wasn’t always available), I was the most alone I had ever felt in my whole life.
Without him, I would be nothing
This of course also shows something positive about my connection with him. He definitely makes me feel safe, and he does a great job at making sure I eat, I drink and do self-care. He pushes me into writing or expressing myself creatively in other ways. I shower because I want to be clean for him. I leave the apartment because I know he wants to do things outside sometimes. He gives me the reassurance about my physical symptoms, and that makes me feel safe: he would get me to a doctor if needed.
But. I wouldn’t do any of those things without him. I wouldn’t shower every day. I wouldn’t leave the apartment, I wouldn’t eat regularly or cook. I would forget to drink. I wouldn’t always write. I wouldn’t go to a doctor. I would lay in bed and give up. I would be stuck in flashbacks and self-hatred, suicidal thoughts and impulsive dangerous behaviour. I would allow my physical health to derail. Yes. I would literally die without him.
Not only does this give him a whole lot of responsibility, it also makes me absolute and without a doubt, dependent on him. I can see how that is unhealthy, and it would be even more so in a vanilla relationship. In our D/s dynamics, it might still be considered healthy on some levels. He is a caretaker Dom after all, and me following his instructions, very much makes me the submissive. And I also need to add that we are so much more than just him helping me survive. It is just something that has become very apparent to me, now that he has returned and things are slowly going back to normal.
I still struggle a lot, even when he is around. But I am not alone and I feel safe. And that is what makes me able to continue and fight for improvement, growth and yes, survival. I know that dependency is not healthy. But surviving is what we as humans are supposed to strive for. And if that means I have to be dependent on my strong, wise and safe Master, then so be it. I can live with that. Literally.
My thoughts today reminded me of of this song, giving up part of my life, my independence, to him, but surviving as a result of it. Trent Reznor often says things well:
I got my head but my head is unraveling
Can’t keep control can’t keep track of where it’s traveling
I got my heart but my heart’s no good
You’re the only one that’s understood
I come along but I don’t know where you’re taking me
I shouldn’t go but you’re wrenching, dragging, shaking me
Turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
The more I give to you the more I die
And I want you
You are the perfect drug
You make me hard when I’m all soft inside
I see the truth when I’m all stupid-eyed
The arrow goes straight through my heart
Without you everything just falls apart
My blood just wants to say hello to you
My soul is so afraid to realize
How very little there is left of me
And I want you
You are the perfect drug
(Take me with you)
Without you everything just falls apart
It’s not as much fun to pick up the pieces
The Perfect Drug – Nine Inch Nails (listen to the song here)