30 Days of Submission – Day 28: The Perfect Submissive?

Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

It is interesting that, like with everything else in life, there are certain expectations when it comes to submission in a D/s relationship or in BDSM play. And it can sometimes be difficult to see if those expectations are healthy or not. I am wondering if there is any sort of epitome of submissiveness that I compare myself with.

The Perfect Submissive?

A perfect submissive is always in their role when they are with their Dominant. They address their Dominant respectfully. Commands are being followed, obedience is always present. They exist to serve and please. And they are timid yet are not afraid to communicate discomfort, and ready to use the safeword when needed. They don’t question their Dominant directly. And they take care of themselves, are self-aware and confident in their submission. They follow rules and protocols, and engage in rituals naturally. And the perfect submissive is available in the ways that the Dominant wants them to: sexually, in service, as a confidant, partner, best friend, financially or whatever other ways that have been agreed on. The perfect submissive doesn’t complain, doesn’t fight and is pleasant to be around. They always work on improving their submission and grow in their role.

Yeah, well, fuck that. I know that this might be the perfect submissive for many Dominants. A dream. I doubt that a submissive like this exists. I even would say that it would be unhealthy and confusing if someone would be constantly able to be submissive like that. Instead, I believe that growth and learning come from mistakes and tensions. And I also think that it is unrealistic to expect that life, mental and physical health issues, and the usual ups and downs of relationships, wouldn’t affect one’s submissiveness. The perfect submissive doesn’t exist in this way, because they would have lost their humanity. I know that objectification is a kink, but we all need emotional and human connections, and it is often our imperfections that make us interesting.

Willingness and Honesty

For me, a good submissive has a willingness to be human and to want to learn and grow in their role. Those are and should be the expectations I set up for myself. And that means that mistakes happen, but that they lead to an improvement of the D/s relationship and the submissive role. I think expectations need to be individual and need to fit the relationship and one’s own abilities. Not every submissive can be a slave. The same as not every Dominant can be a strict Master. It is about finding a fit, someone who compliments the sort of D/s role we have.

So yes, I have made mistakes in my submission. Of course I have. One of the main mistakes that I still have trouble avoiding is my brattiness outside sexual play. I know that as foreplay and during play, my Master really enjoys that I am a brat. I fight, I poke, I tease, I dare him. It is a fun back and forth. A wink from me, a tongue stuck out, a “Ah, come on, that is nothing. What else you got?” is fun and playful for us. But when it comes to other areas of our D/s that sort of behaviour is maybe not as appropriate.

I am respectful in addressing him and I am a sucker for the “good girl” . So I really try to be a good submissive. I try and try and try. And I fail. The reasons for failing are multiple, in the true sense of the word. With having more than one part to me, it can sometimes be difficult to get everyone on board to always behave submissively. My mental and physical health definitely contribute to me letting down my own expectations of my submissiveness.

I am also a very opinionated person who is a natural leader so if I don’t agree with a command, then it is difficult for me to blindly follow it. I would love to be able to be naturally submissive to my Master in all situations, but I think that is just a dream. The reasonable approach for me is to show willingness to learn and grow in my submission outside of the bedroom. And I find that actually quite exciting because I am all for self-improvement and growth. I just wish I wouldn’t often take one step forward and then two steps back.

I can be easily petulant and stubborn, and become manipulative when I dislike something that is happening. And I think that is really where the issue lies. I need to learn to be open-minded and give it a try to allow him to take the lead even in situations where my rational mind doesn’t necessarily agree with his leadership. I wonder if that would feel floaty and enhance my submission, or if it would feel like I have betrayed myself and my principles. And yes, I admit that I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to my submission in areas other than in the bedroom. But I also find that exciting because there is so much room to grow and so many good things still to come.

I don’t think I have ever regretted being the submissive in the D/s relationships I have been in. It can sometimes get frustrating when you want to do certain things during play but your partner is in control. Or when you really don’t feel like following a command. But in general, I have been happy being the submissive. Being in the role provides me with safety, a space to breathe out and a trust that I am being taken care of. And also a very defined room to grow in and learn from my mistakes.

I am doing the 30 Days of Submission meme/challenge (and finishing it a year late. But better late than never!). If you are interested in doing it too, check out this link which has all the questions ready to be used!

You can check my other posts of the series here.