Radical Acceptance, Goals and D/s
There are so many things that I do that others would most definitely see as bad habits. Small things that might be detrimental to my health, to my well-being or even my relationships. I admit that some of them are habits that I should change and that I don’t really have the willingness to do anything about. And then there are certain traits and things that I do that I don’t feel are bad habits but they are just the way that I am. No one is perfect, no one should be perfect either. It is often in the imperfections, in the things that stick out, that we are most attractive and intriguing, after all.
Radical Acceptance – It is what it is
With a new year starting, most people think about New Year’s resolutions. And even in times of lockdowns, quarantines and the constant threat of serious illness, we all need some things to keep us going, to look forward to. Self-improvement, self-growth and mindful living are still concepts that sell well in the self-help sections of bookstores. But before you can do any sort of growing, any sort of improving, we all need to work on acceptance.
I don’t mean that we say: I accept and think it is okay that things are this way. No. I mean: be realistic and accept that reality is reality. And then work from there. People tend to be scared of the idea of acceptance because it seems like giving up. And even when they become aware what acceptance actually means, they shy away from it. Ignorance and denial are so much easier to turn to. Buy another gym-membership, start another journal, go and hug trees. I am a huge fan of denial, don’t get me wrong. But I am also aware of that avoidance and denial will make you stuck and stop you from actual growth.
I personally love the idea of radical acceptance. I learnt that concept when I was doing Dialectic Behaviour Therapy for a psychiatric diagnosis I didn’t have. In general, I found DBT quite harmful for myself but still, the concept of radical acceptance has helped me many times. Radical acceptance is accepting reality the way it is, full-on, with no judgment. It helps in distressing moments when you want to go into a full-blown anger fit or scream out your anxiety, but it also helps when you look at, let’s say, your relationship.
I often feel like it is like looking at something through an objective lens. Take away the feelings and be rational about it. Because there are things you can’t change in this very moment, and that is okay. At least you know what is what, and can build on that. Reality can be a real asshole, but it is what it is. You can’t change the colour of the sky, you can’t change the loss of a loved one, and you can’t change if someone betrayed you. It is the reality of things.
Radical Acceptance and D/s
So I want to go into 2021 with more of a radical acceptance approach to life, and especially to my D/s relationship. I have bad habits that are sort of choices and that I don’t want to change at this point in time. I admit to that. Am I going to clean more often? Nah, I am not. Am I going to give up vaping? Fat chance. Am I going to get better at replying to messages and emails? No, definitely not. I don’t have the willingness to do that. It takes too much effort and distress for me to do those things, build up new routines. I am quite okay with the few healthy routines I have been able to keep up with. If anything, I might have the tentative goal to hold on to those small things: eat healthy, exercise, try to not be too self-destructive.
The D/s relationship then. It is probably the one area that I have always wanted to be more structured, have more goals in, to seek improvement in. I want to be the best submissive possible for my Master. And I want him to try to be the best possible Master to me. But I actually think that we have for too long of a time held on to the idea that is so strongly promoted in the D/s community: a 24/7 relationship demands 24/7 dominance and 24/7 submission. And I have come to realize that that is impossible, And not only because we have some bad habits that are in the way, but because of the way that we are. There is a difference between a personality trait and a bad habit.
Things you can’t change vs. Things you can change
I am a stubborn person, and if you combine that with anxiety, it can get pretty annoying. I have always been stubborn, and it is not only a negative trait, it also something that pushes me to try over and over, even though others would have given up at that point. It is part of who I am. My Master wouldn’t try to change that about me. He accepts that that is how I am sometimes. He might roll his eyes at my stubborness. But he wouldn’t ask me to be any different.
Lately, I have been calling my Master “cute’ on occassion. It is a sort of a bratty way to tickle his dominant side out. By trying to be a little bit disrespectful, I make him want to take over and show me that respect needs to be given. Only, it was sort of triggering for him. It felt emasculating. So he asked me to stop doing it. So I stopped.
There is a difference between sort of negative personality traits and things that can’t be changed about a person, and small habits that are unimportant and that only take little effort to let go of. I am mentally ill, inconsistent and unstable. But I am also kinky, sexual, submissive, bratty, and a good partner. I am smart, funny, supportive, flexible and creative. I am stubborn, foul-mouthed, need to be in control and can be arrogant. You can’t have one without the other. If you would use radical acceptance on my role in our relationship. I would be all of that, and none of that can be changed. It is what it is. The goal can never be about to make me becoming a perfect submissive. Because there is no such thing as a perfect submissive. It is an elusive concept.
When I think of goals, I think of my late friend Amelia (rest in peace, darling). She always talked about SMART goals, and it frustrated me because it was way too inflexible of a concept for me. I understood that it would work for businesses and project plans. But for my personal life or my relationship, SMART goals are way too stale. I wouldn’t be able to use a workbook, or any list that needs to be worked through. All these things are way too limited and inflexible.
I want our D/s to be flexible and fluid. And I want us to be able to adapt to what is happening around us and within us, and to be in tune with each other. I want us to use radical acceptance. I love, accept and respect him the way that he is. And I feel he does that same with me. It is just the way we are. We can’t shape each other into something that we are not. It takes too much effort, and it brings too much disappointment. It is not giving up, but it is breathing out because you realize what you have actually works well for you. Because if I look objectively at our relationship, I realize that we are happy with each other.
I am a submissive and I want to be submissive. He is a dominant and he wants to be dominant. And when we are both in the state to be that, and do that, then things are perfect. Sometimes, when circumstances are limiting, or one of us is struggling, then our D/s might not be in the forefront of our relationship. And that is okay, too.
I know that his confidence isn’t always strong, he knows that I am not always mentally able to be submissive all the time. It is what it is. Why do we need to beat ourselves up about it? I feel like we are very flexible and a lot of our D/s is fluid when it comes to its intensity. Sometimes we have the typical 24/7 D/s, other times we are mostly bedroom focused. And we know that we will always have that: the bedroom. That is where our D/s started, and when we fuck, we are definitely our roles.
The best thing about our relationship is our communication. The moment one of us expresses that they feel that the D/s is lacking, we both put a little bit more effort into it. Without strict goals, without talking about hows. And even when we discuss the specifics of things, we try our best to accommodate each other. We just try to be more who we actually are.
So instead of constantly beating ourselves up about how we rarely have the strict 24/7 relationship that everyone expects when they think of D/s, I want us to be ourselves. Radically accept that this is what it is. There are things we can’t change. And looking at it, do I really want to change the basics of what we have with each other? We have a flexible and fluid D/s that is based on spontaneity and a strong understanding of our roles. It is what it is. And it is good.