Is it all between the sheets? – BDSM and Sex

There are so many misconceptions about BDSM and it is hard to tackle them because there is no one shoe fits all approach to BDSM or D/s relationships. There is no rulebook, there is no clear definition on how to do things. I see BDSM more as an umbrella term that embraces a lot of different approaches to sex and relationships. There are different roles, different kinks and different needs that people involved would want to have met.

What applies for all BDSM and D/s?

So how I do things is not how other people do things. And that is okay. I have specific needs, needs that you maybe don’t have. But if we are both into BDSM, people just put us in the same category. I think it would be way better if there would be more education on the different ways and roles in the BDSM community, so we can all work on deconstructing the stereotypes. There are a few things that I think are true for all those that practice BDSM or are in a D/s relationship though.

Firstly, there is always a power exchange on some level. There is a Dominant and a submissive, a Top or a bottom. That power exchange doesn’t have to be total, it is always defined by the people involved. Roles in BDSM and D/s are not set in stone, after all. There are switches, there are different roles on both the Dominant and the submissive sides as well. But there is always a power exchange on some level, and that power exchange has to do with control: one person gives up control, and the other person has control.

And secondly, there is safety. Every healthy BDSM or D/s connection is based on consent, communication and respect of boundaries and limits. I know that most vanilla connections should be about that as well, but in the kink community, these things are more pronounced and way more important. You want to make sure that what you are doing, because of the risky mental and physical consequences if consent and safety were not considered.

I think that is basically it. That is where the overlapping areas are. Apart from that, every BDSM and D/s connection is different. And that brings me to the idea that BDSM is closely linked to sex. I don’t think that there is truth in that thought. You can be aroused mentally, you can find pleasure that soothes you, in all sorts of BDSM practices. And if you are in a 24/7 D/s relationship, you are not having sex all day long, and most of what you engage in, doesn’t happen in the bedroom.

Mind Pleasure

I can personally only speak from a submissive point of view, so that might limit my perspective. My submission comes from my mind, not my body. First and foremost, it is about feeling safe enough to let go and allow someone else to be in control. It is about trusting another person so deeply that you are okay with them having all the control. I get pleasure just from that: that I have no control, and that a safe person has all the control. I know that other people, especially those in D/s relationships, love the routine and structure being in that sort of connection can give them. They have their whole days planned out, they get tasks, they have responsibilities. They can grow because they are in a D/s dynamic.

Not everyone who likes BDSM is into bondage and pain play. You don’t have to be a rope bunny or a masochist, a rigger or a sadist. I think that is often a misconception. BDSM is about a power exchange, what that power exchange looks like for you, is about your needs. And if that power exchange has a sexual component is also about if you have that need. You can be in a D/s relationship and be asexual. That is totally possible.

I am a masochist. But is my masochism always sexual? No. It doesn’t always sexually arouse me. It often does though. The pain that my Master gives me has several effects on me. It makes me feel more submissive, and hence I am deeper in a submissive state of mind. It reminds me of our D/s connection and makes me feel safe. Pain also soothes me. It is something that helps me release anxiety, anger and frustration. Pain helps me breathe out. That effect of pain had me long struggle with the reflections around if pain play is a sort of self-harm for me. I came to the conclusion that is not, and that it is a healthy way for me to feel good.

BDSM can be about the mind only. It can make you feel safe. It can make you float and experience pleasure in a way that has nothing to do with sexual pleasure. I personally experience that in my D/s relationship a lot. When my Master is behaving in a very dominant way, my heart jumps of joy, and glitter storms of happiness are ravaging through my mind. But for me personally it is very important that it is with someone I know, trust and care for. I am not sure if I would experience that sort of pleasure with someone I would only engage in one time play with.

BDSM and Sex

I love sex though. And a lot of my love of BDSM has to do with sex. I must say that the mind has a lot do with that as well though. Pain all by itself wouldn’t arouse me, humiliation all by itself would be a turn off. It is combination of giving up control, of physical stimulation and knowing that it is safe. I have said it before: if someone would call me a whore when I walked down the street, I’d be really offended. But when my Master calls me a whore when he fucks me, it is definitely is a turn on. It is all about the situation, the consent. It is a combination of things that makes it sexual.

Protocols and Rituals?

I think that BDSM sex has been presented quite one sided in the past. Most of what I had seen was about planned play sessions that were all about discipline, about protocol, about one type of play. There are so many porn videos out there, where a sub is tied down and gets flogged for 10 minutes and that is that. Or someone gets spanked and that is it. And even the information you find online is very often about planned scenes, about one type of play. It is basically how I imagine going to a professional Domme would be like: you get tied down, you get flogged, and then your session is done.

That is not what BDSM sex is like for me. I like that it is interactive, that is about teasing each other, about spontaneous play. This of course is more possible when you are in a D/s connection or you are playing with someone that knows you well. I get that when you are at a play party or you play with someone for the first time, it is better to have a sort of protocol and planning in place. But the better you know your partner, the easier it gets to just spontaneously go for it. I also like the element of surprise. My Master can do with me what he feels would be fun in the moment. He knows my limits and needs, so I trust him that he would also stay within the framework we have built up together.

Spontaneity

Reading about all the protocols, the kneeling before play, the rituals and planning, was a turn off for me. I get that those things can be a thing for the mind though, that mind pleasure that also can be cut off from sexual pleasure. I just wish that there would be more guides and discussions that actually take up that not all BDSM and D/s connections need to have strong protocols and that especially when you know each other, it is okay to be spontaneous.

Once you know each other’s boundaries and general consent is given, I think BDSM sex can be more loose. And if you are not into protocols, but rather want to be fucked on the spot because it pleases your Dominant, or if you love just being pulled by the ear, pushed on the bed and spanked and then fucked hard, then that is great too! If you are a brat like me, who likes the play, it is okay to defy and fight back too. As long as your partner doesn’t mind.

Planned-through, ritual heavy BDSM sex built on protocols bores me. I like being in the moment, and not feeling the pressure of a planend scene. I can see that there need to be exceptions, and I do those too. If we try out a new kink, for instance, we discuss it, we are careful, we don’t just go for it. Safety always has to come first.

What pleasures submissive and Dominant minds, is so very subjective. For some that sort of pleasure has nothing to do with sex at all. For others it is about a combination of mind and body stimulation. And for yet others, especially when only bottoming or topping instead of taking on strong submissive and Dominant roles, it might just be about the physical sensations in the moment.