Body Love: K is for Kindness
So far this month, for the A to Z challenge, I have talked about different body parts of mine and about how I relate to my sex, my gender and my body shape. Most of those posts are reflective, and while they suggest a need to start loving my body, they also express how far I still got to go. This post is not about reflection, or any sort of struggle. I want to be kind to myself, and kind to my body. There are so many things that I appreciate, without pushing in a sentence of negating what I just said. Here it is, a love letter to my body, expressing only kindness.
I know that this letter doesn’t find you well, but I am hopeful that things will get better soon. I assure you that I will do my very best to keep things balanced for you, and to make sure that you even beat what you are struggling with right now. You are not alone, you are not an empty shell. I am on your side, and promise to make decisions that I am certain about will benefit.
But that is not why I am writing this letter. I am writing this right now because I haven’t always been kind to you. I have called you names and have judged you, because I allowed others’ words to sink in and turn into truths. I still struggle with that, and I am sorry that I do. I want you to know that you are loved, and appreciated. And that you are beautiful to me.
It is all the imperfections that make you special. The scar from the appendix surgery, the self-harm scars, the tiny beauty spots, the curly hair, the tiny toes. You are fascinating and wonderful in every way. I know that sometimes I look at you in the mirror, and I cry and wish that you were different. But those moments have become less, and I am actively working on not being unkind to you.
I stopped self-harming. I am eating well. I stopped smoking and switched to vaping. I don’t drink. I allow you to rest, and still challenge you to stay active. It is hard for me because I am so used to mistreating you, because it is all that I have ever known. I want to apologize that it took me so long to treat you with respect and love. You deserved better, and I failed you. I have unlearned a lot of the things that I thought were truths, it took me too long. But I am happy that I am on your side now, and I am going to stay there.
I want to thank you for all the beautiful moments you have given me. The times I was able to swim for hours, feeling free from the fear I otherwise experienced. When you allowed me to taste all the yummy things we cooked. The orgasms and sexual pleasures you provide. The times you fought through illness and that one time we almost died, but you pulled through. How you got us through overdoses, broken bones and physical abuse. I am thankful for your strength, your resilience and your abilities.
Without you, I wouldn’t be alive. Without you, I wouldn’t be able to experience life. I know it sounds silly, but we are stuck together. And I did not do my part to be kind, and helpful, and I never made the right decisions for you. But I changed, I learnt. You have helped me survive when I didn’t want to live anymore. And for that I am forever grateful. And now it is my turn: I will be kind to you, I will make sure you stay as healthy as possible so we can handle life together. And I promise that I will improve the way I view you. Because you are wonderful, and I am glad that I am on the path of learning to truly believe that statement.
I am doing the A to Z challenge during the month of April. My theme is Body Love. So you will get 26 posts from me, following the alphabet, related to the topic body love. You can check out more about the to A to Z challenge by clicking on the banner. You can find a list of sexbloggers participating in the challenge on Mrs Fever’s site.