I am a masochist and a painslut
I am a masochist. But I have long struggled with accepting that side of myself because it somehow implies that something just isn’t right with me. I have a history of self-harm and I have been worried that deriving pleasure from being hurt might just be too close to my past unhealthy behaviour. But since I have been on my journey in the D/s and BDSM world, I have found ways to explore my masochism in a safe and healthy environment instead.
Not All Pain is Pleasurable
Let me start with that I don’t find all pain pleasurable, and even in play, I need to be in the right headspace to enjoy it. So I am not exactly getting off when I have a headache. The kind of pain that I enjoy is the one I am experiencing during sexual play with my partner, or when I am masturbating. But I must admit that I find it safer to do pain play when I am with my Master than when I am alone. There is always that tiny worry that what I do might resemble self-harm too much, and I don’t want to return to old patterns where the pain physical from self-harm (i.e. cutting, hitting myself, burning myself), gave me relief from emotional pain.
I do think that part of my love for pain during sex, and even outside of the bedroom, comes from that it grounds me, distracts me and helps me breathe out. It puts me in a submissive mind space where I can feel safe in the hands of my Master. I know that what he does to me pleasures him, and hence, it brings me pleasure. Taking the pain that he gives me is definitely a way of showing him that I am the good girl that he wants me to be.
Sadist and Masochist Connection
My Master and I discovered, or well, unleashed, our sadistic and masochistic tendencies together. He is definitely a sadist, and he proudly admits that now too. I remember us playing in he beginning of our relationship and it took him a while to come to a place where he was okay with using that label for himself. A lot of times, people think that being a sadist is a bad thing, but it doesn’t have to be. If you can derive sexual pleasure from inflicting physical pain on someone else or playing with someone’s mind together with a consenting masochist, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a sadist. I personally love seeing the sadistic grin on his face when he watches me squirm, or feel his hard cock pressed against me when I am screaming from pain.
There are so many different ways that I love pain. But there are also situations where I am not comfortable with it. I have talked about attacky pain before. I totally do not like getting sudden hard pain inflicted on me. There needs to be the right headspace for me to be able to take that without the urge to fight back. And even when we are in a sexual situation, there needs to be a build up, a safe space created, so I can take more intense pain. Of course, what is intense pain to me, might not be intense pain to someone else. We all have different pain thresholds and I am not sure it is important to compare. It is between the masochist and the sadist to find out what is enough for both.
I do like the constant reminders of our D/s connection through pain. It’s nice when he pulls my head back by my hair to give me a kiss. I love when he slaps my butt when I am walking past him. And I definitely like when he suddenly squeezes my arm and makes me focus on him. Those constant small painful reminders are helpful to keep me in a submissive space, but also help to ground me generally, and help relieve my emotional distress.
Painplay and Sex
I find most impact play with toys to be pretty soft. I have never tried a cane, but spanking and flogging are good ways to softly start a session for me. That way I can slide into a space where pain can turn into pleasure. I very much enjoy more hands on impact play, which generally hurts me more than other kinds of impact play. And I love being punched on the boobs and on my butt. I also love being slapped on my boobs. Also, I love my boobs to be squeezed hard. my ears to be pulled. I love my nipples to be pinched and twisted. And once I am deep in a space where pain is wonderful, I love my cunt to be slapped, punched and kicked. And boy do I love my clit to be tortured. I love when it gets pinched and pulled and flicked.
But mostly, it starts with squeezing for us. Squeezing my upper arms, my love handles and then eventually my inner thighs and my boobs. I know this might not sound like much, but someone putting all their physical power into squeezing your fat bits? That hurts a lot!
I find it very interesting that he can even push me into a space where I beg for pain. I need the intensity, I need the physical sensation. When I don’t feel any sensation like that, I can’t focus on the sexual pleasure of our play and quickly lose interest and just want it to be over with. So he can actually tease me into a space, where I ask for him to hurt me. I turn into a painslut. That must be a sadist’s dream, ha!
My Master’s sadism and my masochism don’t only evolve around physical pain. I think that erotic humiliation and mindgames are also a sort of painplay. He can make me squirm with his words as well, or when he makes fun of me when I am needy. He even does things like making me smell and taste my own cum, flicks my nose or licks my face. It gives me a sort of inner cringe, a sort of inner pain. It makes me feel like I am under his control, like I am helpless in his sadistic hands.
So I am a masochist. But does that mean that I can get off from physical pain alone? Yes, I can! I can reach an orgasm without any other stimulation than pain. I have reached pain orgasms through nipple torture, and also through being punched really hard. The first time it happened, I was really confused, but then very amazed by what my body can do.
I don’t think that being a masochist is necessary for someone to be a submissive. Masochism is a kink, and not a role, after all. Painplay is often involved in BDSM play, and BDSM play is often part of D/s dynamics. But that doesn’t need to mean that a submissive has to enjoy the pain itself sexually, one can also enjoy pleasing their Dominant by taking the pain for them. But personally, I am a masochist and I love painplay, and it would also be my kink if I weren’t a submissive.