The Power Exchange in my D/s relationship
I never thought I would end up in a relationship with an agreed upon power exchange, let alone be the submissive part in such a relationship. The urge to try out being the submissive in the bedroom for play had definitely been there. But never ever had I considered to give up control and power over much in my life to someone else. I have always had quite a dominant personality and I am a natural leader so being a submissive seemed very much the opposite of who I was to others. But here I am, I am the submissive in a 24/7 D/s relationship with a set power exchange.
The Beginning and the Sex
Master S and I started our romantic relationship online and it was solely a sexual dynamic in the beginning. I was finally able to try out being a submissive in the bedroom. But our connection had already other components to it as well. We had been close for quite a while, and we had a kind of safety bubble with each other. That is what I called the space we were in when we were in each other’s company. It felt safe. There was trust. There was openness and honesty.
Our friendship was built upon the foundation of that safety bubble, so when we took the step towards a sexual connection, it felt absolutely safe. I had known for a quite while that he was a Dominant and one day I had enough courage and asked him if he was interested in being my Dominant. And to my surprise, he agreed!
We discovered fairly quickly that I am a brat and in the bedroom that is actually quite fun. It means play, struggle for power and eventually I submit. But outside of the bedroom, being a brat is not very helpful. So we had long put off the idea that we could have a 24/7 relationship because he is not the most consistent Dom at times, and I am not the most consistent submissive. And in the beginning, things were solely sexual and non-committal anyway.
We were (are) in a polyamorous relationship and we weren’t even each other’s primaries. We fucked, we were friends, and he supported me emotionally, a lot. Already then he was kind of my Dom in other areas. He pushed me to take care of myself, he put in a veto when I wanted to make a silly decision. But the power exchange that we agreed on was sexually.
Being a Brat
That is a thing that people often misunderstand with brats. We are submissives. We just like to poke, to see the sadistic dommy glimmer in someone’s eyes when we have taken it a tiny bit too far. Force needs to be used, we want to feel that we are submissive, and that the person we play with is worthy our submission. In the bedroom, our connection has been perfect from day one. I am having the best sex of my life. I have sex every day. Yes. Every day.
I love subspace so very much. I float, I am his. Our kinks sync in a lot of areas and even when they don’t, we are both open minded to try out everything at least once. We learn together, we grow together. We take each other to spaces we never even knew existed for both of us. I mean, I am 37, he is in his mid 50s. And it is first now that we are actually discovering all these things. It is awesome! The power exchange works sexually.
Taking the Power Exchange to the next Level
We are in a committed relationship now., and we are sort of engaged. We live together. While we are both polyamorous, there are no other partners in the picture for either of us at the moment. And we have both felt the urge to expand the power exchange to other areas of our lives. I love having him as my Master, and I want to be able to show him that in other ways than just sexually. But expanding the power exchange has proven to be difficult. There are many reasons for that. One of those reasons is definitely that I am a brat. And then there is the mental illness. And the physical illnesses. He is also not the most consistent Dom. He has a tendency to give up to push, if I refuse to do something. It takes away from his confidence as my Dominant.
The Rules
After some back and forth, we decided that we need some rules to define things outside of the bedroom. I have no interest in a total power exchange that includes all areas of life, and I am also not a service submissive. We are also both quite spontaneous and we are inconsistent for a variety of reasons. So it took us a while to find out what areas of life we can expand the power exchange into, and in what way.
We decided to go with a small rules and expectations. So we can always evaluate how things are going, and add more rules and expectations later. In general, the expectations on me are that I need to dial down on the brattiness outside of the bedroom and that I take care of some basics. The expectations on him are a consistency in reinforcing the rules, and using punishments if needed. So there are the things we have agreed on so far:
- Make at least one meal a day (can bank for sad days)
- Expressions of respect:
- Addressing me as Master. NON-IRONICALLY and NON-SARCASTICALLY.
- Lines of respect: Verbal disrespect (yelling and swearing), refusal and saying no without a valid reason (bickering and avoidance)
- No arguing when disrespectfulness is pointed out
- Eating and drinking when being told
- Blog writing: at least 1 hour every night without distractions.
- Read and comment on what I give you to read
- Punishment for disrespect
- Punishments:
- Focused punching/spanking without playfulness
- Restraining
- Standing in the corner
I am quite excited to see how things will turn out. We have only started implementing these rules a few days ago, so it is way too early to say how it is going. I like that there is more consistency now and I get punished. It is difficult to tame a brat, and it is very frustrating for the brat to not try to push boundaries.
I am still quite convinced that a total power exchange is not something that we will ever have. I am also not sure if there will be strict rituals in the future because we both like our spontaneity. One thing I am very certain of is that we will continue to enjoy our journey together, sexually and in other areas of life.
You can read more about my submission and our D/s relationship in my posts for the 30 Days of Submission challenge.
I do hope that you are successful as you work on expanding the scope of your dynamic. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Thank you!
I found it really interesting to see how your relationship has evolved over the time you have been together so far and I look forward to following you to see where things go next. I don’t think a TPE would be easy or desirable to sustain for most of the couples I have met who all have lives and commitments outside of their D/s too and I imagine it more for the stuff of fiction than for a fulfilling lifestyle together but those are just my thoughts.
I like the sound of your rules and we also started small and simple then added and altered as we found what worked and what was important to us. I think there has to be a purpose to you to give them value. As for punishments I do understand the need for them to reinforce the value of what you have or haven’t done as otherwise what is the point so it shows somehow that they care.
Would you consider writing something about brats for the blog on the SafeworD/s Club as I think others could relate to it too?
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment! I agree with you about the TPE, it is something of an ideal that many people try to strive for, but it is not sustainable in the long run, with things like work, family and health, as well. I don’t think I’d be comfortable in the slave or serving submissive role anyway.
We will see how it will work out with our rules, so far, so good. I find the addressing him correctly to be the most difficult one to follow at the moment, hehe.
I’d love to write something about brats for the SafeworD/s club! Send me a message on Twitter and let’s discuss it!
reading these posts I am getting more and more that it is ok to be a brat – u can still be a sub! I’m am a brat toooo much – i think 😉 x
Brat is a submissive role, just like babygirl/babyboy, slave, kitten and pet are. There are brat tamers who are Dom/mes. The important thing is that it is always understood that the brat wants to be submissive, but needs to be shown their place. I find the play around that (and the force), way more intriguing than being a yes-saying submissive who just does what they are told. Poking the Dom is fun 😛
I love your post and especially this line: ‘Addressing me as Master. NON-IRONICALLY and NON-SARCASTICALLY’.
That made me chuckle.
We have as good as given up on the title thing. I use my Doms first name and we’re both okay with it.
I hope you manage to expand your TPE. It’s not easy, but it’s good for adding structure to your life.
Haha, I really need to dial down on the brattiness and address him the way a submissive is supposed to address their Dominant 😛
I still like the idea of using the proper title, but I am not sure if it will be something that I can just learn and then do automatically, or if it will always be a struggle. We’ll see!