30 Days of Submission – Day 3: That Submissive Feeling
How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?
I actually never knew that I was submissive. Until I was in the presence of a Dom who I trusted. Or let’s just say that no one ever noticed my submissive side, and so I never cherished it or reflected upon it. I am not a timid person. I am not a silent person. I can be shy but I am very good at seeming confident in social situations. In almost every situation in life, I naturally become the leader somehow. I am not even trying. I think it is a competency thing. I am very educated, I am smart, I am good at organizing things, and at finding solutions. So maybe no one ever assumed that I had a strong submissive side.
But always having to be the one that people look up to, turn to, follow, can be extremely exhausting! I don’t want that power, I don’t want that responsibility. I sometimes just want to be one of the sheep, one of the followers. But it is this thing inside me. I get frustrated when I see inefficiency, when I see incompetence. So I just step in to fix things. It is like throwing my hands in the air, sighing and then taking over. But I don’t want it to be that way. I have always wanted to have someone to look up to, to follow, to guide me, to tell me what to do. Someone who is my superior, someone who won’t let me take over, because they are stronger, better and wittier than I am.
What I have showed on the outside, that is what people went with. It is like their sub-radar never went off when being around me! And another reason for being so late with actually living out my submisssive side, has to do with my shyness around sex. I just never engaged in anything profoundly sexual before the age of 22. I never had consenual intercourse before that. I didn’t know how to express my needs (because I already knew that I was very much drawn to BDSM, pain, control and all that), or how to be submissive.
It was first when I was with someone who actually was my superior in a lot of ways, that I was able to let go. And oh my, it has been wonderful! Sexually, I am definitely a submissive! I have not felt so sexually satisfied ever in my life, than when I am in the submissive role. At the same time, I can’t deny the strong personality that I have, hence: I am a brat.
When I am submissive, I feel free. I feel freed from my own restraints. I feel safe. I feel peaceful. I feel floaty. I feel light. I feel curious and unafraid. It is like finally being able to breathe. I never even knew that one could experience such bliss. I can focus on the moment, and nothing else matters. All that matters is the bubble I am in with the Dom who is in control.
And subspace! I so need to talk about the amazingness of subspace here! I can get into subspace through pain mostly, but also when being controlled or used for a longer time. It is like my whole body suddenly relaxes, and the way I breathe becomes different. It is similar to a trance state. It feels like I am floating in my own mind. Everything around me becomes blurry and all I am focused on are the physical sensations. And they feel different too. Pain is suddenly only pleasure. Being controlled is like flying. Being used is like winning the lottery. Subspace is the best place I can imagine being in!
I am doing the 30 Days of Submission meme/challenge. If you are interested in doing it too, check out this link which has all the questions ready to be used!