30 Days of Submission – Day 15: Submissive Evolution
Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?
I definitely think that my submission has evolved over time. I don’t like stillness, I like growth and learning, so I’d be really disappointed in myself if I still were the exact same person I had been years ago. The same goes for my submission. I want to learn more, I want to experience more, and I want to become the best version of myself. And I don’t believe in the idea of perfection, it is goal that can never be reached. I see everything as a neverending process of acquiring knowledge and growth. And the same applies to my submissive journey.
When I actively started out in a BDSM and D/s dynamics, I knew that I wanted to be in the submissive role. At the same time, I was very much convinced of the idea that I am a strong and independent woman. So engaging in D/s and BDSM made me question who I am, what I am, and if the different parts within me actually existed or some of them were just fleeting concepts that I wore as masks to be able to function in certain environments.
One thing that I learnt very quickly was that I didn’t always have to portray the idea of the strong independent woman in a way that I always thought I had to. Being submissive means being strong to me. I am brave enough to give up control to someone else. I am strong enough to meet their needs and follow rules. And I am consciously, from my own will, making the decision to consent to something that most people might find very much worrying and dangerous. I am strong in my submission. It was still funny to observe myself though, trying to somewhat remain in control, while actually feeling absolutely safe and free in submission. It was a learning process for me, realizing that submission is not something that takes something away from me, but that adds to my experience of the world, myself and my relationship.
I found out that I can take on all kinds of different roles in BDSM and D/s dynamics, meaning that it depends on the situation and who I am engaging with. So I can be a brat, a masochist, a puppet, a degradee, a slut, a babygirl, a pet. I feel comfortable in all of those roles and I see them as different ways to express my submission. I sometimes wish there was another term for the slave role, because it is mostly the term that turns me off, not so much what it entails.
In the beginning I was very much convinced of that I would be only able to be submissive in the bedroom. But as time passed, I felt a stronger and stronger urge to try out a DD, 24/7 or a TPE connection. In my current relationship that is actually possible, so exciting times await!
I don’t think I will ever stop trying to learn and try out new things in my submissive role(s). Sexually, definitely, but also outside the sexual realm. Submission comes naturally to me now, and I think it had always been natural to me. I just tried to hide it, push it away, because it seemed unsafe to not seem strong, dominant, and able to defend myself. But with trust came the ability to let go, to let down my shields and to be who I naturally am.
In the bedroom that is so much easier though, outside of it, my personality often clashes with the ideal of what a submissive is supposed to be like. That is where my brattiness comes into play. From the beginning, up until today, I have been bratty. And I think I will continue to be. That is a part of my submission that will never disappear.