Ring All The Bells You Can Ring

I don’t usually listen to songs that instill hope in me or are supposed to instill hope in anyone, really. I like songs and lyrics that tell a story, or that express an emotional state that I can relate to in that moment. Music doesn’t only make me feel something, it can also help me release the emotions that are stuck inside of me. And sure, every now and then, I also just listen to a song to dance or because I like the rhythm. But lately, I have been obsessed with a song that speaks to me in a different way. It sort of kicks me in the butt, and reminds me of that being stuck in hopelessness is not going to get me anywhere.

Champagne Problems

I have quite a few struggles and I doubt that has escaped the attention of anyone who is following my blog on a regular basis. But I am not necessarily someone who directly expresses her emotions, nor do I wallow in self-pity publicly. I have always found it odd to be in a “woe is me”-state and tell others about it. I cry alone, under a blanket, and curse at the universe for making my life so complicated. Other people aren’t like that though. They yell it out when work is stressing them out, when they can’t travel during a pandemic or don’t get their precious 9 hours of sleep a night. And I am silently rolling my eyes at them.

It is funny, really. Because all my life I have been trying to approach other people’s pain with an attitude that leans on the foundation of that all feelings matter and are valid. Even if something isn’t a huge deal to me, it is a huge deal to them. Their tears and sadness are just as valid as anyone else’s tears and sadness. But fuck, I have been struggling with that approach lately. There are some people in my life that I would call privileged. They have privilege because they are young, they are relatively healthy, they are relatively financially stable and they have strong support systems. And yet, they whine a lot. All the time. They demand attention and care, and either use me as their friend of convenience (only reach out if they want something), or I see them get supported by others.

It just blows my mind how these people do not make use of their privileges, and are grateful for all the great things they have in their lives. But no, they focus on what they don’t have: can’t meet anyone right now because pandemic, not in a serious relationship, not smart enough, not being able to pick which jobs to apply for. And I just shake my head, as I am unable to get out of bed, my arms covered in scars from self-harm and having cried all night instead of sleeping.

Don’t wanna know

Don’t need to know

You got champagne problems

Don’t wanna know

Don’t need to know

You got champagne problems

“Half-Way & one Step Forward” – Marilyn Manson

What these people have are champagne problems: privileged folks’ issues. And sure, their feelings are valid, and they deserve support. But fuck, leave me alone with it. Because I struggle on an existential level. Is it fair to compare pain though? I don’t know. I generally would say no. But then, someone who has a heart attack probably deserves help quicker than someone with a broken finger, right? One of the skills I was supposed to learn in therapy was comparing myself, actually. If I compare my pain to, let’s say a starving child in Africa, then maybe I realize that my pain isn’t that important. On the other hand, it always made me feel like my pain didn’t matter at all, and that I should just shut up about it. So I don’t know which approach is right.

I am turning 40 this year and that has my mind all messed up, and it gets even worse so because I am once again in depression. So I am stuck with really sad thoughts about what I have not achieved in my life. I don’t have children. I don’t have any close friends. And I don’t have a job. I don’t have my own financial stability. I don’t have good health. And I never really finished anything in my life. I am stuck with a lot of lives lived but nothing achieved.

So on top of my depression, I am also wallowing in dark self-pity. I am nothing. And the possibility of me ever becoming anything is very slim. Because realistically, I’d need years of professional help, lots of medication, and a shitload of willingness and effort to get anywhere close to trying to achieve any of the things that one should have achieved at the age of 40.

Ironically, I am doing what others are doing. I am focusing on the negative, instead of the positive. And I am not showing gratitude, nor am I realizing the good in my life. I am privileged in some ways that others aren’t. There is definitely always someone who is worse off than you, and there are people who are worse off than me. Gosh, I am most likely going to turn 40. I never thought I’d get this old. So am I actually also struggling with champagne problems? Because c’mon, all those things that I want to have, seem normal. But they are really only set up as potential goals by society. Having those things (kids, money, beauty and health, a good job) are really only status symbols. They make you an acceptable member of society. I don’t think that is something I ever wanted anyway.

Raincoat for Tomorrow

I have been thinking a lot about radical acceptance lately, and I think I should radically accept, without judgment, what my reality looks like. It is what it is. Fuck. It sucks. But I shouldn’t focus on things I can’t change right now and most of it, I will probable never be able to change. So I need to refocus on what is possible, not the impossible that I am struggling with.

I need a raincoat for tomorrow

I need a raincoat for tomorrow

It’s about how much people cry

When you die

It’s not about the storm of tears

That you make when you’re alive

“Half-Way & One Step Forward” – Marilyn Manson

This is where this song really made me think. And Manson’s words have been swirling around in my head for a while now. Because honestly, what matters is what you leave behind, and if it is of value. Are you going leave a mark or not? Are you one of those people who have been authentically living their life, and made others think? Made others look in awe at what you created? Have you ever impressed anyone by being exceptional at something?

We all know of the Goethes and Beethovens, but do we know who their neighbours were? The ones with the decent jobs, the three kids and the fanciest Sunday dresses? Nope, we don’t. The one thing I have always wanted to was to make people think. And I have done that in many different roles in my life, and I am doing it with my blog, my photography and my boldness now as well. What is more important to me? That someone wipes off my tears right now, or that people will miss me when I am gone? I want to leave something behind, I want to be remembered.

I am not saying that I am the greatest artist, writer or mental health support in the world. And I will never be “big”. But I want to touch people in one way or another (metaphorically, I don’t want to creepily touch ya’ll. haha). I am already doing that, and I want to continue doing that. In whatever way. I might find new ways, I might improve on old ways. It doesn’t matter, the only thing that matters is that I continue. I don’t want to be one of the millions who live societally acceptable lives, but never left a mark.

Ring All The Bells

Ring all the bells you can ring

There’s a crack in everything

That’s how the sunlight gets in

Ring all the bells you can ring

There’s a crack in everything

That’s how the sunlight gets in

“Half-Way & One Step Forward” – Marilyn Manson

And this is what gives me hope, makes me look forward, makes me want to be active instead of reactive. I want to ring all the bells. I want to allow the sunlight to come in. And I want my life to be enlightened and soaked in creativity. What else is there? Yes, I will wallow in self-pity and mourn all the lives I have never gotten to live because of my struggles. But I don’t want that to be all that there is for me. There is more in me. I can leave a mark. A positive one.