Mission Lady Mode – My Kind of Motivation
Motivation is a fleeting feeling when you struggle with mental health issues, and you don’t have a lot of responsibilities in the form of work or children. What gets you out of bed in the morning, if not money, a screaming child or people needing you? There are days, when there is absolutely nothing that can give me that spark. But most days, there are a few things that push me towards at least functioning on a low level.
What does functioning on a low level mean for me? Well, eat, shower and write. I need the food to be able to control my unmedicated diabetes and somehow show myself that I am working towards a future. The shower is to feel okay about myself, to do self-care and to feel human. And the writing? Writing and being creative is emotional self-care for me. It helps me process feelings, it makes me feel accomplished and helps me a lot with self-respect.
Those things are quite basic and I am very well aware of that they are. Most people do them additionally to their every day responsibilities of childcare and working a 9 to 5 job. I often beat myself up about not being able to do more than that most days. See, I would love to be able to work, to have children, to earn money, to leave the house every day and to have a rich social life. I have a hard time to accept that I am this non-functional mess that can’t do things other people do. I often thought that I was lazy, and that is why I couldn’t bring up the energy, or the motivation, to do normal things.
It took me a while to see that my physical and mental health conditions control my life in a way that I need to lower my expectations. However much I want to be okay enough to be a functioning human being in society’s eyes, I will never be that. There’s no way. My health conditions are too severe and complicated to be able to be that. In Sweden I was on disability for a reason. I couldn’t work, I had medical papers saying I was not fit to work.
So most days, I have come to a place of acceptance where I acknowledge the reality of things. And instead of being sad and angry at the world, I try to do the best that I can with what I have. Yes, I have moments when I just cry about that I will never be okay. That I am not living the life that I had envisioned for myself. That I am a burden to society, to my Master, to anyone who cares about me. Having chronic illness, and knowing that there isn’t a whole lot that can be done about it, can be soul crushing. Additionally, I often have symptoms that could be caused by those illnesses but also could mean something more severe, makes life on a every day basis even harder.
It might be obvious at this point that it could be a tad difficult to find motivation to do anything in a situation like mine. It would be way easier to give up, to crawl up into a ball and wait for death. And gosh, yes, I do that sometimes. And every now and then I even end up in terrible suicidal states. But for some reason, most of the time, I get things done.
Mission Lady Mode and My Motivations
When you are in a position like mine, the usual things, like money, don’t motivate you. I don’t care much what others think of me anymore. So i am not much motivated by admiration, or compliments. I mean, they are nice, but they don’t push me towards anything. I need something that is for me, I need something that gives me meaning, and I need something that satisfies my submissive needs. If I am in an acceptable place for myself to do things, and I get the motivation that I need, I can go into a mode I call “mission lady mode”. I focus on the task at hand and see to it so it gets finished. Nothing else matters in that moment, other than doing what I set out to do. (For those of you who know about my Dissociative Identity Disorder, this is an alter)
So what motivates someone as unusual as me? First and foremost it is small accomplishments and goals. I feel more energized the next time I am having a bad day, when I know that I have been able to accomplish things before. I often sit and wonder what I have been up to during the day when it is time to sleep. So I set up small goals for myself, like cook three meals, write a blogpost and work on my writing, clean, shower, put on make-up, go for a walk. All those things might seem simple to a lot of people, but for someone like me, they take lots of energy, going against terrible emotions and even planning ahead. And when I have accomplished some of those smaller daily goals, I feel better about myself, and it leads to more motivation in the future.
To have motivation means to me that there needs to be a purpose. Like, some people go to work so they can accumulate money, either for their heirs, or for their own pleasures. I am not a money person. And I have never had a lot of money. So the reason I write, or create, is not financial. I have two things that motivate me to write: the need to express myself, and the purpose that I see with my life: to help others. I want to make others reflect, think, feel, and push themselves to better themselves, or to learn more, to love themselves or want to make the world a better place. Knowing that I have found a platform to do so? That helps me immensely with my motivation to get up in the morning and to get on with my writing.
And lastly, what motivates me are my submissive needs. One of my main goals in life is to make my Master happy. As much as I want to hear the “good girl”, I also want him to feel proud and happy with me as his wife and submissive. It is a way for me to show gratitude, and to take care of him. So when I am able to cook for us, or keep our home tidy and beautiful, I am sexually available or I listen to his commands? I do it for the sparkle I get to see in his eyes when he realizes that I have pushed myself to please him. That is the best motivation I can imagine.
Depression, anxiety, bad physical health days, lack of sleep and a lot of other things can affect how easy it is for me to stay on track. But those three things that motivate me: feeling accomplished, the need to inspire others and my submissive urges, they are always there. Some days they just push me to do my most basic routines, other days, I am able to do a lot more than I thought I ever could. What motivates anyone, is personal. It is about what you cherish in life, what gives your life purpose. For me, it is not about long term goals, or the future in general. It is about almost instant gratification. And I have found what can tickle me enough to push myself to meet that need.