Mission Lady Mode – My Kind of Motivation

Motivation and Mental Illness
Image from Pixabay

Motivation is a fleeting feeling when you struggle with mental health issues, and you don’t have a lot of responsibilities in the form of work or children. What gets you out of bed in the morning, if not money, a screaming child or people needing you? There are days, when there is absolutely nothing that can give me that spark. But most days, there are a few things that push me towards at least functioning on a low level.

Functioning?

What does functioning on a low level mean for me? Well, eat, shower and write. I need the food to be able to control my unmedicated diabetes and somehow show myself that I am working towards a future. The shower is to feel okay about myself, to do self-care and to feel human. And the writing? Writing and being creative is emotional self-care for me. It helps me process feelings, it makes me feel accomplished and helps me a lot with self-respect.

Those things are quite basic and I am very well aware of that they are. Most people do them additionally to their every day responsibilities of childcare and working a 9 to 5 job. I often beat myself up about not being able to do more than that most days. See, I would love to be able to work, to have children, to earn money, to leave the house every day and to have a rich social life. I have a hard time to accept that I am this non-functional mess that can’t do things other people do. I often thought that I was lazy, and that is why I couldn’t bring up the energy, or the motivation, to do normal things.

It took me a while to see that my physical and mental health conditions control my life in a way that I need to lower my expectations. However much I want to be okay enough to be a functioning human being in society’s eyes, I will never be that. There’s no way. My health conditions are too severe and complicated to be able to be that. In Sweden I was on disability for a reason. I couldn’t work, I had medical papers saying I was not fit to work.

So most days, I have come to a place of acceptance where I acknowledge the reality of things. And instead of being sad and angry at the world, I try to do the best that I can with what I have. Yes, I have moments when I just cry about that I will never be okay. That I am not living the life that I had envisioned for myself. That I am a burden to society, to my Master, to anyone who cares about me. Having chronic illness, and knowing that there isn’t a whole lot that can be done about it, can be soul crushing. Additionally, I often have symptoms that could be caused by those illnesses but also could mean something more severe, makes life on a every day basis even harder.

It might be obvious at this point that it could be a tad difficult to find motivation to do anything in a situation like mine. It would be way easier to give up, to crawl up into a ball and wait for death. And gosh, yes, I do that sometimes. And every now and then I even end up in terrible suicidal states. But for some reason, most of the time, I get things done.

Mission Lady Mode and My Motivations

When you are in a position like mine, the usual things, like money, don’t motivate you. I don’t care much what others think of me anymore. So i am not much motivated by admiration, or compliments. I mean, they are nice, but they don’t push me towards anything. I need something that is for me, I need something that gives me meaning, and I need something that satisfies my submissive needs. If I am in an acceptable place for myself to do things, and I get the motivation that I need, I can go into a mode I call “mission lady mode”. I focus on the task at hand and see to it so it gets finished. Nothing else matters in that moment, other than doing what I set out to do. (For those of you who know about my Dissociative Identity Disorder, this is an alter)

So what motivates someone as unusual as me? First and foremost it is small accomplishments and goals. I feel more energized the next time I am having a bad day, when I know that I have been able to accomplish things before. I often sit and wonder what I have been up to during the day when it is time to sleep. So I set up small goals for myself, like cook three meals, write a blogpost and work on my writing, clean, shower, put on make-up, go for a walk. All those things might seem simple to a lot of people, but for someone like me, they take lots of energy, going against terrible emotions and even planning ahead. And when I have accomplished some of those smaller daily goals, I feel better about myself, and it leads to more motivation in the future.

To have motivation means to me that there needs to be a purpose. Like, some people go to work so they can accumulate money, either for their heirs, or for their own pleasures. I am not a money person. And I have never had a lot of money. So the reason I write, or create, is not financial. I have two things that motivate me to write: the need to express myself, and the purpose that I see with my life: to help others. I want to make others reflect, think, feel, and push themselves to better themselves, or to learn more, to love themselves or want to make the world a better place. Knowing that I have found a platform to do so? That helps me immensely with my motivation to get up in the morning and to get on with my writing.

And lastly, what motivates me are my submissive needs. One of my main goals in life is to make my Master happy. As much as I want to hear the “good girl”, I also want him to feel proud and happy with me as his wife and submissive. It is a way for me to show gratitude, and to take care of him. So when I am able to cook for us, or keep our home tidy and beautiful, I am sexually available or I listen to his commands? I do it for the sparkle I get to see in his eyes when he realizes that I have pushed myself to please him. That is the best motivation I can imagine.

Depression, anxiety, bad physical health days, lack of sleep and a lot of other things can affect how easy it is for me to stay on track. But those three things that motivate me: feeling accomplished, the need to inspire others and my submissive urges, they are always there. Some days they just push me to do my most basic routines, other days, I am able to do a lot more than I thought I ever could. What motivates anyone, is personal. It is about what you cherish in life, what gives your life purpose. For me, it is not about long term goals, or the future in general. It is about almost instant gratification. And I have found what can tickle me enough to push myself to meet that need.

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20 Responses

  1. slave sindee says:

    Dev , you are amazing to write about things like your self motivation and your inner feelings.
    You are helping someone , you may never know. So keep finding ways small as they may seem to you they are big to others.
    I do believe You are beautiful and sexy

  2. Violet says:

    Thank you for sharing such a big and honest post – I relate to sooooo much of this and as someone who empathizes, please let me say that i’m proud of you. This stuff is HARD and it is REAL and it is RELENTLESS. You are not lazy or uncaring at all, and you are so self aware and educated (and educatING) on mental health and such a great part of this and any community you’re in. I’m sending you hugs and high fives if they are welcome xo

    • Thank you, Violet! Shit is hard, real and relentless indeed. If you suffer from chronic mental and physical illnesses, you never get a break. Sucks. But you can either give up forever or try to sometimes make the best of what you have. Huge and high fives are always welcome <3

  3. You really are helping others with your words. I don’t struggle with motivation so it helps to hear from you how difficult it can be on a daily basis. Because of you, I have a better understanding of how some of my loved ones may feel. Thank you DS!!💙

    • Thank you, Blue! I think we don’t always need to be able to relate to what others write about. Sometimes it can just open our horizons a little, so we can see things from a different perspective.

  4. It’s very frustrating when you see other people do all these things while you’re stuck and struggle to do the very basic things. I often feel like that but in a slightly different way as I am able to function pretty well, yet I still get frustrated that it doesn’t take this much effort for other people. And I’m really afraid of once I have to get a job. I don’t know if I’m capable of doing so.
    It’s incredible that you manage to keep on fighting and do all the things you do. Look at how productive you actually are, producing so many blog posts. A lot of people struggle to write just 500 words.

    • Health privilege is a thing. Most people don’t realize that their ability to just function on a day to day basis, is not something that comes to everyone easily.
      I am sure you will find your way, once you have graduated. Not everyone works a 9 to 5 job, after all!

  5. You are a motivation to many people, because you show so much of yourself, and share so honestly. Always be kind to yourself, lovely, because there is only one YOU.

    Rebel xox

  6. May says:

    “To have motivation means to me that there needs to be a purpose. ”
    I can so relate to that bit – sometimes when a purpose drifts away I just do nothing!
    Regarding instant gratification – apparently we are meant to learn how not to want this as a child – like saving all your sweets for another day! NOOOOO! lol x

    • Yes, without a purpose, I get stuck too. And do nothing. So I am lucky that i have found a few that actually work all the time. Like, lets say if I had a kid and the kid moved out, then I’d be so lost about why I’d need to clean, or cook or even get up lol.
      Oh gosh, I always ate all my sweets right away, who cares about tummy aches, haha.

  7. Success is achieving what’s within and perhaps at the edge of our capabilities that can change daily. It sounds as though you have extra purpose in wanting to please @musingsMaster. Not wanting to disappoint someone important to you is great motivation for things we would let drift when on our own. 🌹🌹

    • I like you definition of success, because it actually requires an honest perspective of what is possible and what is not. I agree, having that extra motivation, to want to please my Master, has helped me immensely with self-care.

  8. SassyCat says:

    Marie Rebelle said it perfectly. You are such a motivation to all of us. You encourage so many of us with your words, by sharing yourself with us. Disappointing a loved one can cause us pain, I know it did for me when I disappointed my Beloved. You already know that having the motivation to please your Master is helpful to you and your self-care routine.
    Happy Thoughts

  9. jupitergrant says:

    As others have said already here, you are an inspiration, and your candid and honesy writing about your illness is so important in shining a light on mental illness and the reality of how it affects you day to day. 💖

  1. January 12, 2020

    […] Mission Lady Mode – My Kind of Motivation – DeviantSuccubus. But those three things that motivate me: feeling accomplished, the need to inspire others and my submissive urges, they are always there. This post was combined with two other memes. *clapping* […]

  2. August 28, 2020

    […] Mission Lady Mode – My Kind of Motivation by Deviant Succubus The first sentence caught my eye here, and I usually need some hook in the first paragraph to keep me reading. This talk of radical self-care is extraordinary!…ok, actually it isn’t, it is just something that needs to be spoken of more often. […]

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