My Mental Illness Makes My Sexlife Better
I think for most readers of this blog, it has become quite apparent that my mental health issues have a huge impact on my life. And unfortunately, that impact is not exactly positive. I struggle with about every part of my life, greatly. There is one exception: my sex life. Yes, sex is also more complicated than it is for healthy people, but in comparison to everything else in my life, my sexlife is amazing. Don’t get me wrong, sex is not my raison d’ëtre. But it gives me those happy moments I crave to be able to fight through the other dark aspects of my life. As a matter of fact, my mental illness makes my sexlife better.
My Mental Illness
Let’s just get it out of the way. I suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety. I am diagnosed with all those conditions, after many years of different assessments and misdiagnosis. Most of those are serious mental illnesses that shorten my life span, that limit my ability to function and make it nearly impossible to have any kind of stability in my life. Add a plethora of physical illnesses to the mix as well, and there you have it, my life. A total mess of struggles, tears, overwhelming anxiety and more often than not, even an unwillingness to survive.
It is as bad as it sounds. But you know? It could be worse. I’m not alone. There was a time when I had all that but I also was alone. Well, I had a cat. However much I loved her, she is nothing compared to my Master. Our relationship is what keeps me going, what keeps me wanting, needing and trying. Because quite honestly, without him, I’d be nothing.
Mental Fuckery and Sexual Fuckery
That brings me to the sex! You might think that having mental illness makes sex difficult, if not impossible. It for sure complicates it! I could go into depth about just the difficulties with the Dissociative Identity Disorder but I am concerned that it would be too much ‘out there’. Most people do not understand this illness, neither can they relate. I have written an extensive post on how that particular illness affects my sexlife and that is probably all I will ever write about that specific topic.
How My Trauma Makes me the Perfect Fuck
But my mental illness in general! I feel that it makes my sexlife different. Survivors of sexual abuse during childhood often either become obsessed with sex, or they avoid sex altogether. It is difficult to find a healthy balance there. I am one of those who go really nuts for sex. And also the kind of sex that if not handled carefully, can go into retraumatisation and reenactment. I’m into the kind of sex that involves control, pain and humiliation. I want to be hurt, I want to be used, I want to be degraded to a sex object.
Hey, and that makes me a perfect fuck! Yes, my trauma has shaped me into a very fuckable person. I know that this sounds off and I can see why there is a huge risk for unhealthy behaviour here. But I am in a safe, consensual relationship that has not done me any harm. Instead, I can live out these urges, and enjoy myself. I don’t have to worry about making risky sexual decisions because I fully trust the person I am with.
So how has my childhood trauma affected my sexlife? It has made it quite awesome! I love to fuck, I can have multiple orgasms, I enjoy pain, I enjoy most kinks, I can fuck for hours, I become primal, I can slip into subspace easily because I am prone to dissocation. My trauma has made me the perfect person to fuck!
Bipolar Madness: Hypersexual Urges and Stable Dips
And my bipolar disorder? Oh boy! When I am in hypomania or a mixed bipolar episode, my sexual appetite is insatiable. I get something called hypersexuality. It turns me into a nyphomanic. I want to fuck, all the time. I want sexual interactions constantly, and I can’t get enough. All I can think about is sex. For most people those kinds of urges would make life complicated. But I am in a D/s relationship that has a framework that I can’t get out of. And my Master has a strong libido so he can keep up with me. While the risk for self-harm in mixed episodes is huge, I can get those urges met in a safe way during pain sex.
You might think that my sexlife would take a turn for the worse in depression, but for some strange reason, it does not. I might not be the horny slut that needily begs her Master for sex. But I still respond to stimuli and commands, I come, I enjoy sex. It is during the stable periods of my bipolar disorder that my libido takes a dip. It is quite peculiar. My whole focus is on functioning, on doing things right, on routines, that sex is not on my mind, Of course I still fuck when I am stable but I suddenly need foreplay to get wet, I need to be played with longer to be able to come. Still, sex happens every day.
Anxiety, Grounding and Sex
That brings us to the anxiety. Surely that would make my sexlife more difficult? It kind of doesn’t. There are days when the only time I don’t struggle with overwhelming anxiety, is during sex. Sex is a great coping strategy for me to handle my anxiety. The only times when anxiety affects sex is when my health anxiety is too strong. I feel dizzy, or exhausted and I am just going into catastrophic thoughts of heart attacks, strokes or passing out. That doesn’t happen too often though, and if it does, my partner can read me quite well and he changes things up a bit.
The Common D(en)ominator
The common d(en)ominator in all of this is my Master. I don’t know if all my mental health struggles would work in another relationship or in another sexual connection. But with him, it works. He is patient but he also doesn’t get bothered easily. If I am in depression and I haven’t showered in two days? He still wants to fuck me and cums all over me so I have no choice but go and wash myself. I am hypersexual? He uses that to his advantage and plays with me for hours. I am having a day with a lot of anxiety or self-harm urges? The S&M element in our play is stronger then, and I get relief from the overwhelming feelings.
There are days when I am lost in flashbacks, suicidal thoughts and all I do is cry and scream. Days where my mental and physical illness make me feel less than human. He still wants to fuck me, and he does. And I feel grounded. My Master takes care of me in so many ways. He is kind, he gives me hugs and reassurances. My Master makes sure I eat and drink. He pushes me to at least stick to my routines. And he makes me feel desirable, fuckable and like a good girl. Because my mental illness doesn’t put him off. He takes me the way I am, and he turns it into a positive for us.
My mental illness improves my sexlife. Sex grounds me. And if there isn’t anything else in the world that I feel I am good enough at, I always get reminded of that I am the perfect fuck.