Serving Him – Kinky Advent Calendar – Day 12

I am not exactly what you would call a service submissive. Being a brat entails for me that I am not automatically submissive, but more playful and need to be shown my place. Service submission is closer connected to a strong willingness to please without any actual prompts to do so. I like to please too, but not in a service kind of way. I would say that my Master and I have a pretty typical modern approach to things that could be seen as acts of service: cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, taking care of chores and each other’s needs. There are some things that he is better at, other things that I excel at. So we do it by ability and talent, or sometimes by whoever can get their butt off the sofa first.

The prompt for door 12 of the Kinky Advent Calendar was to provide a service to someone without being asked. I didn’t really know how to approach that one because if I am able to do anything is always so dependent on my mental and physical health status. And while I thought I might be able to take it as an act of service as in the five languages of love, I was also aware that act of service isn’t really my thing, and neither my Master’s. But hey, there was a prompt and I am not a quitter! So I thought I’d just play it by intuition and not plan anything. If anything would present itself, I’d do it!

Only, on the day, I was feeling pretty shit and the prompt got pushed into the background. But then we were to order food. We didn’t feel like cooking and decided to go for some healthy pizza (yes, they exist, you can pick your crust, people!). The website from the pizza delivery place didn’t work properly and I saw that my Master was getting more and more frustrated. So I got up and started to cook dinner instead. He was really surprised because I hadn’t really been in any shape to cook, but as I said, I am not a quitter. I cooked some whole wheat pasta with a vegan bolognese sauce. It was tasty and he was happy.

He then had to work some more and I didn’t want to be in his way. So I did a load of laundry that needed to be done. And then I started to tidy up a bit and pack together some things that we had talked about needing to be put into storage. My Master was quite surprised by my initiative, and also confused because I rarely do things like that without being asked. Especially on a day I am struggling.

While he was happily surprised and even exclaimed that there should always be prompts to improve our life, there were also some hiccups that made it quite apparent that I am not a service submissive, and that he doesn’t like me taking the initiative. I wanted to do something for him, but for me to be able to feel the motivation to get anything done, I need to do it my way. And he gets frustrated when I don’t follow his instructions.

There were a few instances when it became very apparent. They were just small things but it made it just so obvious that the only way for us to have things work is when he either tells me exactly what to do beforehand and I feel ready and okay to do it, or when he just lets me do it my way. I don’t even think it has anything to do with my brattiness. It is about my need for control when I am anxious and stressed out, and him becoming anxious and stressed out when he is not in control.

It was tiny things: I couldn’t get through our door with a suitcase and I had to take a step back and do it a tiny bit differently. I got a passive aggressive remark back, about how my way isn’t always the best way. I had spilled some fabric softener on the floor and started to clean it up with some paper towels. And I saw the frustration in his eyes because he held back to tell me how to do it correctly. In the end, I just handed him the paper towels and he cleaned up the rest. Petty things. But it really shows that I either need instructions and commands. So I know exactly what I am supposed to do, and how, or he needs to let me do it my way and not get involved. But for him it is impossible not to get involved, because he needs the control.

So doing something for my Master, something that could be classed as an act of service, turned out to be complicated. I managed to do some things that he would appreciate that I would class as acts of service, but because I picked them, I had the strong urge to do them my way. And doing things my way makes my Master feel less in control as we just naturally do things a bit differently.

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