My Inspiration for my Sexblog: To Inspire

Whenever I start feeling more pressure and anxiety than pleasure when doing something I used to love, I try to look at what is giving me those negative feelings. I have been feeling quite negatively about my blog lately. And I sort of know where those emotions are coming from. The sex blogging community is a mess and it feels like everyone has lost their footing a little. I miss a bit of the interaction and also the motivation to write. It feels like I lost a bit of the inspiration that I thought I needed to write and create.

Add to that my own personal struggles which seem overwhelming at the moment and how they have deepened my lack of confidence and some of my body image issues, and it makes sense why writing a sexblog doesn’t feel like the right thing to do. The same goes for sexy pictures, really. And that is a bit of a problem because I have just started on my journey as a sexworker.

What inspired me in the first place?

When I lost my motivation in the past and everything had just turned into a ball of anxiety, I used to focus on what made me start in the first place. What gave me the inspiration to do this? What fired up my passion? What did I enjoy about it? Because in the end it is about me, not about a community, or my readership or fans, or how others see me. It is about self/-expression. I had felt the strong need to express myself. There are a million things you can express yourself about, and there are a million different ways to do so.

I had just moved in with my Master and our D/s relationship and our very vibrant sexlife were the priority in my life. I was also aware of that what I was doing wasn’t very mainstream, and I couldn’t really discuss it openly on my private social media. I had had a Fetlife account for a while but that site is mostly focused on pictures and not a lot of people want to read long reflections. And I also felt like I didn’t only want to talk about sex and D/s but also a lot of other things. I had tried to have a vanilla blog for a while but I had to hold back. So when I found some memes from the sexblogging community, I thought I’d give it a go. And here we are now!

Feedback from Others

So my relationship with my Master, all the new things I was discovering and a need to express my thoughts around it, made me start this blog. But there was more. I had gotten quite a lot of positive feedback on Fetlife from women with a similar body type like mine. I was called an inspiration, I helped some to find the courage to post more revealing pictures of themselves. See, sometimes you think you are the freak out there and no one will like you. But when you see someone who is similar to you get positive attention and have the confidence to just be themselves, then it can help you to face your own self-doubt.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite though. I don’t like my body and I don’t have a lot of self-confidence. The only difference between me and other fat people is that I go for it anyway. I am bracing myself for the negative comments and judgment. And knowing that me being this brave is helping others, is a great motivation for showing off erotic pictures on the internet.

Being Honest and Inspire Others

But as those of you who read my blog know, it is not all about sex, D/s and erotic photography. I also write a lot about mental health and physical health, and some of my struggles. After many years working in the mental health sector, I just feel the need to educate. And if my own struggles can do just that, then I am doing just that: sharing my struggles so others maybe understand how difficult life can be for those with health issues, and also make those with similar struggles feel less alone. Because honestly, that is often what you feel when you are struggling with serious mental illness: you feel alone and like a freak.

You could say just that: my inspiration for starting a sexblog was to wave my freak flag proudly and to help others feel less alone and maybe a little bit more confident with being themselves. It is okay to be kinky, to be into BDSM, to be fat and posting sexy pictures, to be mentally ill, to be physically ill. It is okay to not be mainstream. It is okay to be different. You are still lovable, fuckable and interesting. And the funny thing is that I don’t always feel those things about myself. But I think that is a good thing too: I am not perfect, I am not a role model. I am just doing things anyway. I’m just done limiting myself because of past hatred in my mind, or current struggles. Despite not being perfect, I still continue.

Part of my inspiration to start this blog and to talk about sex, to post erotic images and be honest about who I am, was to inspire others. Not to do the same as me, but to think for themselves and to see that they are not alone with their freak flag.

I get a lot more out of this when I receive an email of an overweight submissive telling me that they now feel the push to go and find a Dom because they see that women with their body type can be in happy D/s connections too. Or a DM on Twitter when someone opens up to me about their own DID and how they haven’t told anyone because of judgment. All the being in round-ups of memes, or getting a lot of likes and comments doesn’t mean much in comparison to actually making a difference in someone’s life.

Waving my Freakflag proudly

Starting in the sexwork world is sort of an extension of that line of thinking. I am doing it for myself, and definitely for the money. But I also do it so I can prove that being yourself is not a bad thing. There is always going to be someone who appreciates your kind of beauty and sexual expression. It doesn’t matter what the mainstream wants. Everyone is pushing into that space, trying to fit the perfect molds of beauty and sexuality. Fuck that. If you are in a niche, or several niches like in my case, you don’t need to fit a mold. You can take that pressure off of you. Because who you are is exactly what people want.

I will always struggle with self-doubt when it comes to my writing and my content creating. It is just who I am at my core. I constantly question if I am good enough, if what I do has any worth. But I will keep going, because that is also who I am. My inspiration to do what I am doing is to express my sexuality, to reflect upon my D/s relationship, and to show to the world that waving your freak flag is actually a very rewarding thing to do. My inspiration is to inspire. And it is good that I remembered that. Sometimes you just need to focus and go back to the basics. And keep going.

Read my other entries for the erotic journal challenge.