Body Love: P is for Pain
It might sound weird to say that you love your body’s reaction to pain. But hear me out! I am a masochist, so pain administered during sexual play is a huge turn on for me. But even when I get pain that is unwanted, I have quite a good ability to handle it. So that is one of the things that I really admire about my body, and that fascinates me: the way my body handles pain.
Sex and Painplay
Ever since I started exploring my sexuality in my mind, I knew that I would enjoy a sort of sex that wasn’t vanilla. I found the whole idea of gentle foreplay plain boring, and I was looking for something rougher. I pushed those thoughts away for a long time though, because I didn’t really engage in sex with others anyway, and I also felt a bit of shame that I wasn’t, well, normal.
Nowadays, I very much embrace my masochist side. But it took me a while to get there. I was scared that it would be too close to self-harm if I engaged in getting hurt to feel relief or pleasure. And even when I got past that point, I was worried to test my limits, thinking that I might seriously hurt myself by mistake. A lot of the first pain play I did, I did to myself, when I was in long distance relationships and we had online sex. It was odd at first, but then I was able to fully let go and was quite surprised with how my body reacted.
I talked about pain orgasms before, but it isn’t only that. When I feel pain in the right headspace, it makes me breathe out. It is like getting all those negative emotions out, and feeling relaxed. I don’ t mean the sudden pain that we all experience sometimes when we hurt ourselves accidentally. But when it is a slow and sensual build-up, where the pain gets stronger and stronger.
First it really hurts and I actually hold my breath. Let’s say when I get spanked, or when my boobs get slapped, when I get punched on my butt, or when my nipples get pulled: it starts with softer blows, with tiny twists. And then the level of pain gradually goes up, and up, and up. The first moments hurt and I want to fight it but then my body suddenly relaxes, and I can feel the endorphins rushing through me.
I relax and I anticipate instead. I feel the need for more intensity, to feel that rush again. Sometimes I don’t even realize that I have tears in my eyes while I am enjoying the sensation. It is a very paradox experience. Logically, I know that pain is not supposed to feel good. But once I am in that masochist submissive mind space, it just feels different. It is like a very strong sensation that doesn’t primarily translate into wanting to get away from it, but leads to needing more of it.
I think it is really about how the mind and body work together there. If I am in subspace, meaning that my mind floats and the pain becomes sweet and feels different, my body and my mind have a different connection. The sensation that usually translates into hurt and needing it to stop, gets tinted with rainbowy glitter. It suddenly is welcome.
It is interesting that I don’t always get into that space and then pain really is hurtful, and once that is established in my mind, in that moment: this is fucking painful, it needs to stop, I can’t really slide into a space where I enjoy it. Sometimes a hard slap to my boobs, or a punch to my butt, can push me into subspace. But if it is several blows, several hard slaps right from the start, I am unable to enjoy it. That is why a slow build-up is so important. That way my body, and my mind, can ease into the pain, and the rainbow can start to shine. I don’t know if it is different for other masochists, but that is how it works for me.
Pain and Dissociation
I have talked about dissociation on this blog several times, and also how it related to physical sensations. It can easily be confused with trance or subspace because all three evoke a sort of floating mind sensation. Dissociation has helped me a lot to get through the physical pain of abuse, and also emotional hardships. My mind just disconnects from whatever is overwhelming me and I don’t experience it as strongly anymore. It is a helpful skill if it gets activated in situations where it is needed. But once it is more of a to go to skill that the brain engages, it becomes sort of counterproductive.
And I am not too sure if it is helpful when it comes to my experiences of pain and physical discomfort. I am not talking about sex, or pain play, but pain caused by injury or illness. I have quite a few conditions that give me physical discomfort and pain in varying levels, and I often can’t locate where exactly it comes from. And I wouldn’t be able to tell you where on a pain scale the pain is. Because it depends on my level of dissociation at the time.
I have a very telling example for this. I broke my foot several years ago. Only, I didn’t know that I had. I remember experiencing pain but being able to disconnect from it. I wasn’t able to walk properly for a few months and sometimes I would cry from the pain, but then it would seem far away. A couple of years later I was admitted to a psychiatric unit. And while being there, I started experiencing sharp pains in my right foot. The doctors sent me to get an x-ray done. And then they told me that I had had a broken foot, and it never properly healed, so that is why I was experiencing those sharp pains.
I was confused, because surely I would notice a broken foot? Well, apparently I didn’t. Dissociation can be a powerful thing. Similar things happen to me constantly. I have a headache that one moment feels like it would blow my head up, only for it to feel far away, like packed in cotton, and not bad at all. My IBS could be acting up (and oh oh, it does that lots lately), and I have so much pain that I cry. Only to not feeling any pain a few minutes later. It is utterly confusing, and makes it very hard to actually access how bad things are. But I am also grateful that I don’t have to feel unwelcome pain for longer periods. My body and mind connection is wonderful that way.
I’m generally very fascinated with how my body, together with my mind, handles pain. I know that I don’t react to it like most people do, and that makes it even more intriguing. It is fun to play around with it during sex and when in the right mind space, And I am both confused about and grateful for not needing to go through intense periods of pain caused by illness or injury. I am aware that this inability to feel the pain and label it, could be potentially unhealthy if I actually needed help though.
I am doing the A to Z challenge during the month of April. My theme is Body Love. So you will get 26 posts from me, following the alphabet, related to the topic body love. You can check out more about the to A to Z challenge by clicking on the banner. You can find a list of sexbloggers participating in the challenge on Mrs Fever’s site.