The Submissive Mindset

In D/s dynamics, we might identify with one role or the other, but often enough that role is not all that we are. That part of us needs to be tickled out, needs to be triggered, cherished and worked on. The submissive, or dominant, mindset in D/s is not something one can expect to automatically be in, but it is something that one has to constantly work on to maintain, instead.

The Submissive Mindset

What the submissive mindset means to me might not be what it means to others. To me, it describes being totally free in my submission and being entirely focused on the Dominant. What I need, what I want, is to please my Master. I don’t have any other needs in that moment. To always be in that mindset, where my sole focus is him, can prove difficult. But there can also be different variations and degrees of submission. I can be in a submissive mindset sexually, but have trouble following orders and commends without hesitation in other areas, for instance.

A submissive mindset can mean that you want to embrace your submission, you want to grow with it and in it. I see it more as a constant process that I am working on, than a goal. A total submissive mindset where you are always in your submissive role, without questioning the commands and orders that you get, without checking in with yourself, but solely focusing on the Dominant? I find that to seem dangerous. A submissive mindset should also embrace critical thinking, an ability to assess if situations are safe, self-awareness and being able to communicate.

I love being in a submissive space. And definitely like looking at my relationship from a submissive perspective. I want my Master to be happy, content and satisfied. And I also want to hear that I have done a good job, that I am a good girl. I want to have the trust in that he makes the right decisions for me, and that following his lead is a safe choice.

As I said: a submissive mindset requires work. It needs to be tickled and reassured. Fot me to a look at a relationship from a submissive perspective and taking on that sort of mindset, means that I need to feel safe with the Dominant. But not only that: I also need to be well enough to focus on pleasing my Master, and not have to have all the focus on myself. So for me, a submissive mindset starts with taking care of myself. I take care of myself, to be a good submissive.

To be able to meet my Master’s needs, I need to have my own basic needs met: food, sleep, hygiene. It has actually been quite a revelation for me, that taking care of myself is not only for me, but also very much for my Master. It makes it easier to try to do better when you know it isn’t just for you especially when you are going through difficult times mentally.

Subtle Dominance Tickles My Submission

There are ways for me to get into a submissive mindset, or even subspace, fairly quickly. In the best of worlds, I would always be in a more submissive space around my Master. But there are so many things that can make that more difficult: circumstances, my health, every day things. It gets easier to adapt the right kind of mindset when he is showing his dominant side. I think that is very important for me: to be able to be in a submissive mindset, I need to be with someone who is in a dominant mindset. I could have submissive needs without a Dominant present, but they would be about being dominated, not so much about being submissive. A submissive mindset is always linked to dominance for me.

So that triggers it out for me: subtle dominance. Gestures, looks, small commands. My submissive side gets tickled out when he squints his eyes at me when I am close to pushing boundaries, when he says “No” in a very strict way. It is like a dog getting a command, really. My invisible tail suddenly wiggling in excitement and I am kneeling in front of him, waiting for the next command, the next good girl, his attention.

I know that some people are so naturally submissive that they don’t need to feel their partner’s dominance as much to be able to submit. But I am not like that. I need to feel that I am being dominated, that the person I am with, is my superior and safe enough to submit to. I need constant reminders, the safety and trust to be shown again. And I am aware of that that is the bratty side in me, but also the traumatized side. I don’t think it is necessarily a bad thing. I just need to be sure that what I am doing is good for me, for him, and that it is safe.

Attacky Pain

One way to test if I am in a submissive mindset is to give me pain. We often have small interactions throughout the day, where he squeezes me really hard, or when he kisses me while pulling my hair. It is those interactions, on good days, that make me constantly float in a submissive space where I crave his dominance, and want to please him. But to be able to even take the pain and discomfort, I need to be in a submissive space right from the start.

There have been many instances when he squeezed me really hard, randomly, and I hissed back at him or couldn’t take it. I call those times “attacky pain”. I am just not prepared for it. In that very moment, I might be so focused on something else, that my submission, which is part of me but not all that I am, is more on the back burner. It can be tickled out, of course, hut strong sudden pain is not the way to do that. I can see how it can be hard to read if I am in the right mindset in the moment: sometimes I welcome pain and dominance with open arms, sometimes I need to first be pushed a little to be able to embrace those things. And that is both in the bedroom and outside of it.

It is always the best approach, with me, to slowly try to tickle out a submissive mindset: either through constant small reminders of my place and role, or through a slow build-up. However much I find the sudden pushes into submission fun as a mindfuck, they often lead to some uncomfortable situations first. I love being in a submissive mindset, to let go and fly free.

I also like that it is not something that comes easy to me all the time: I learn so much about myself by growing in my submission, and having to constantly work on expanding the mindset keeps me on my toes in my relationship, and also forces me to communicate with my partner. Taking things for granted, like submission, can lead to boredom or too high expectations without gratitude. I am grateful to my Master for helping me grow in how I experience and express my submission,