Fake Frigidity – I Used To Not Like Sex

Met -Amor-Phosis, with age comes change
Met-Amor-Phosis, with age comes change
There’s a new blackstar in the heavens tonight
With age comes change

“Met-Amor-Phisis” – The Mission

For most of my life, I thought I didn’t like sex. I know that I come across totally different on this blog and my perspective on sex and sexuality has definitely changed during the last few years. But for a long time, sex didn’t play a big role in my relationships and I couldn’t even imagine engaging in anything sexual with another person, and actually enjoying it! I definitely would have fit the definition of a “frigid” woman. But it was probably more of a fake frigidity.

Let me start by saying that I don’t judge people who are asexual. It is okay to not have any interest in sex, for whatever reasons. It is not something that needs to be changed, or worked on, or that is wrong. If you feel that that is what you identify as, then I respect that. Asexuality is not something that needs to be fixed, it is a legitimate sexuality. But for some not being able to enjoy sex, or to not have a any sexdrive, creates some serious issues in their lives, and then it is something that can be worked on: if there is a willingness to do so.

I think it can be hard to distinguish between asexuality and frigidity, although the second term is probably more commonly used for women, and in a derogatory way. But in the end, they describe the same thing: a disinterest in sex. When it comes to me, it was a tad different though. I had a libido and I loved masturbation. But I couldn’t have sex with other people.

Not Wanting to Have Sex with Others

Looking back, I very much understand why I didn’t feel safe having sex with others, but still had a high libido. It is closely linked to my trauma. It is not uncommon that someone with sexual trauma during childhood becomes either hypersexual or asexual. But for some reason, I was both. I loved orgasms, I loved playing with myself, but there was no way I could imagine having another person touch me in a sexual way.

When I was 13/14 years old, my friends all started to have sex. They told me about it, they all wanted more of it, they were all excited about it. I, instead, spent my nights crying because the idea of another person seeing my naked or touching me, freaked me out so bad. I wanted to be like everyone else, I wanted to have my first consensual sexual experiences. But I couldn’t. There were two parts to it. I was afraid of being judged for my body. I was chubby and was bullied every day at school for just that. I couldn’t imagine that anyone would find me attractive naked. And the other thing was that I couldn’t trust anyone enough, I was scared they would hurt me. In my mind, sex equaled non-consensual pain.

It was not like I didn’t have opportunities to fuck. There were plenty! I have not been single since I was 12 years old. Not a day. There was always someone I dated. But I knew my way around having to engage in sex. I knew how to say no, I knew how to focus on them so I wouldn’t have them touch me, wanting to actually have sex with me. I gave hundreds upon hundreds of blowjobs during my teenage years. I like giving blowjobs so it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. But most of the time, the reason why I gave blowjobs, was to make sure that no one wanted to go further with me.

I was known to be a tease, to be someone who says no. That didn’t stop them all from trying, from trying to push me, from trying to seduce me. But I knew how to handle it. Young guys are easy distractable with a mouth around their cock. Some of my relationships fell apart because I didn’t want to have sex. It made me sad but I understood that it was considered normal, sex was something everyone engaged in, so I was depriving them of something that they expected in a relationship.

It frustrated me just as much, to be honest. I had all those fantasies that I masturbated to, but I knew they would never become reality for me. I was just too scared. I tried to get into it, but there was just no positive physical reaction coming from my body when someone touched me. I could make out with someone for hours, and I was dry down there. I had very much resigned to that I would never ever have sex. And I was okay with it too. It was something that I was afraid of, something that I couldn’t imagine enjoying with another person. It was what it was.

My “First” Time

Then, when I was 23 years old, I met a guy that wouldn’t let go. He didn’t push but he was clearly in love with me, madly so. We met online and were in different countries. We started having sex chats and eventually even video chats. It confused me so much that someone would actually be sexually attracted me when seeing me naked. It felt safe because he couldn’t touch me. It was basically just masturbation.

Eventually he came to visit me. We tried to have PIV sex but it didn’t work. I couldn’t relax, I was scared, I was too tense. Eventually, while being drunk and hence more relaxed, I was able to allow someone to push their cock into my vagina. I cried of relief. I could have sex after all! Long story short, I moved in with him, we were together for 12 years, even eventually got married. Our sex life was odd though. It was not like I didn’t like it. It was just that I didn’t particularly enjoy it. The only way I could get off was when sex toys were involved. And I never initiated it.

A few years into that relationship, we just stopped having sex. And I didn’t mind. I went back to masturbating and didn’t think much of it. I now had had sex but it wasn’t something that overly excited me. I loved the man, and we had a quite harmonious relationship. But then, in my mid 30s, my libido suddenly changed. Sex was on my mind all the time. I think it had a lot to do with my trauma affecting me differently now, and my bipolar disorder becoming full-blown.

But I was stuck in a sex-less marriage. He was struggling with mental illness at that point and his libido was lower than mine. It was just a matter of mismatch sexually. Sex in real life with people I don’t know, I don’t trust, was still very much off the table. So I sought gratification online, yet again. Sex chats, video chats, the whole thing over and over, with different guys. I couldn’t stop myself, I was just horny all the time. My marriage eventually fell apart and we got divorced.

Discovering My Sexuality

I was in a long distance relationship with a guy from Singapore and our connection was mostly about sex, very very kinky sex. I trusted him. We became a D/s couple, we met, and we fucked. Lots. Sex was very prioritized. And now, with my current partner, sex is absolutely amazing. It is also very important in our relationship, and I am having the best sex of my life.

What I think primarily has made it possible for me to go from appearing frigid to being the proud slut that I am now, is the BDSM and D/s nature of my last relationship and the relationship that I am in. I can’t take initiative when it comes to sex. And I need to trust the person I am with. D/s and BDSM is all about trust, and about someone guiding and taking initiative. So it is in that context, that I can be free, that I feel okay letting go. I also can’t get off with vanilla sex: I need pain, humiliation, I need to be controlled.

I was never “frigid”. I was just scared and didn’t know what kind of relationship I needed to be in so I could be able to enjoy sex with another person. Instead, I am actually quite a hypersexual person. My trauma made sex complicated for me. So I wish that those who call others frigid in a derogatory way, would understand that women who don’t like sex, might just have their reasons for that. And that asexuality is a legitimate way to approach romantic relationship, as well.