30 Days of Submission – Day 23: Questioning my Submission
Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?
I have been terribly resistant to my own submissive feelings from the very start of my exploration into BDSM and D/s dynamics. See, we all have some sort of image of ourselves which doesn’t necessarily have to be accurate but it is nevertheless who we envision ourselves to be. I always tried to portray myself as a strong and independent woman. And I knew that behind that mask there was an insecure person, but I still was able to come across as confident, as a leader, as someone who knows what she is doing. I linked submission to dependency, to losing control, to giving up something of myself that I needed to hold onto. At the same time I had this strong need to give over control to someone else, to be controlled by someone I trust, to submit, to obey, to hear that “good girl”.
It was quite an internal struggle for me in the beginning, to reconcile those two sides of myself. I have now realized that strength and submission are not mutually exclusive, they actually belong together. The ability to give up control to someone else, to trust someone that deeply, and to obey in a framework that you helped, create, that is strength. Now that I think of it, I might have just been very much influenced by general stereoptypes and stigma around BDSM, D/s and submission. Generally, people might think that submission equals danger, weakness and even a risk for abuse. On the other hand, not going into it all blue-eyed, but to read up on things, to make sure I understand how to have a safe D/s relationship inside and outside of the bedroom, was probably a very good thing to do.
I think at least part of my brattiness comes from the conflict I described. The need for control, and the need to give up control. The need to lead, and the need for guidance. Those dichotomies meet well in the role of the brat. I don’t dislike that fact though. Actually, I like that I make the decision to submit every day anew. I evaluate the strength of my Master, I make sure I feel safe enough to let go every time we engage in sexual play, every time we engage in any kind of D/s relationship area. That makes it both fun, interesting, playful and safe for me.
There have been moments (and there still sometimes are) where I was repelled or to the very least, confused by my submission. Sometimes I get pushed into spaces I didn’t even know existed. The interesting thing is that I am very much turned on by humiliation and degradation. So while they are very much “What the heck did I just do?”-moments, they are also “Yes Yes”-moments. It is like: I don’t want to do this, this is humiliating and uncomfortable. Oh, but I like that it is humiliating and uncomfortable. Gah, what am I even doing? – Naturally, this had to lead to some serious soul-searching but with time I have realized that those are not safeword moments. I don’t feel triggered in those situations, I don’t feel bad about myself. I feel free and floaty, I feel submissive, I feel owned and controlled.
One of those instances was when my Dom in a previous relationship made me drink my own pee, as a way to humiliate me. I am not opposed to watersports and pissplay, I actually quite like it. But at that point I hadn’t much engaged in it and it was a very new experience for me. And there is still a difference between drinking your own pee and getting pissed on. It was a very revealing for me, because it pushed me into a submissive obedient space I wasn’t aware I could enter.
Lately, there has also been an instance or two where I had a similar emotional submissive experience. It is a very interesting internal fight where I resist to do a certain thing because I repels me, but then end up doing it anyway because it meets my submissive needs (or my need for an orgasm, haha). An example is that my Master sometimes doesn’t allow me to come unless I say out loud that I am a puppet, and with that reconfirming my role and position. I dislike it but also love that he can actually push me into doing something that seems uncomfortable, turning it into something pleasurable.
These days, I rarely question my submissive feelings anymore. I realized that they are part of me, that they are nothing to be ashamed or scared of. I have embraced that side of me. The brattiness helps me handle any kind of doubts that I might still struggle with subconsciously. Realizing how wonderful it is to submit anew every time I “lose” (let’s be honest, I win just as much as he wins!), often settles those tiny doubts.
I am not judging other people’s submission, sexlife or relationship. As long as things are consensual and needs are being met, do whatever you want to do! Actually, I urge you to do so, because life is short and don’t let other people’s stigma stop you from what you deem as fun and pleasurable! Of course there are sometimes practices that make me shudder, but not so much because others engage in them, but because I could never engage in them. They are not for me. Some of those, in relation to submission, are financial submission, acting as someone’s in house slave, being someone’s furniture or lengthy rituals. If you like those things and you enjoy them together with your partner, I am happy for you! They are just not a way that my submissive needs would be met.