Faking Orgasms – A Way to Avoid Communication?

There is this odd concept that the goal of all pleasurable sexual activity needs to be a mindblowing orgasm. Supposedly, that is not only important for the person experiencing the orgasm, but also for the person giving pleasure. It is a a job well done. It can be a self-confidence boost. You are great at sex when you can give someone an orgasm, right? You don’t want to bring your partner down and make them lose their sexual confidence. So what is the easiest way to put an end to a frustrating sexual encounter without hurting the person you are having sex with? You fake an orgasm, of course.

I Love Orgasms!

I personally don’t think that an orgasm is the goal of sex. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love orgasms. If I am in the right mood, I can get multiple orgasms for hours until I scream for mercy. Orgasms are fantastic! An orgasm can be a relief for stress and anxiety for me. I just feel so much more relaxed after I have come. But I don’t think that getting an orgasm or not, is an indicator for if the sex has been great or not. An orgasm can be technically reached pretty quickly, especially with toys.

For me, the goal with sex is being close to someone, physically. Sex is for me about play, about connection, about physical closeness. It is about discovery, about feeling wanted, and wanting someone. I find play and sex that involves hours of play, laughter, and connection way more pleasurable, than sex that gives me a quick orgasm.

But I can’t escape two situations: that the sex is boring or frustrating and I want it to end, and that I don’t want to hurt the person I am sleeping with. So yes, I have faked orgasms, many times. I am actually pretty good at it, too. (Although my partner believes that he can tell the difference between a fake orgasm and a real one).

Putting an End to Boring Sex

I am quite sure that most heterosexual women have had the pleasure of sleeping with a man who wants to impress by lasting longer. The monotonous in and out, for five minutes, for ten minutes. You are starting to feel sore, your thoughts start to wander, you check the clock hanging on the wall. It is not unpleasant, it is just, boring. Before I allowed myself to explore my kinky side, I was often stuck in vanilla situations where the sex was frustrating for me. It never pushed me into a primal space of wanting to come, or of wanting more. It was the stereotypical in and out motion without much more stimulation. I love PIV sex, and it can make me reach an orgasm. But there needs to be more stimulation than that: pain, being controlled, being humiliated. The “oomph” was missing.

So you have this man on top of you, and you see him working hard but you want it to stop because you are bored. You want him to come (because, let’s face it, the man having an orgasm is more often than not the big finish of sex) so you can go on about the rest of your day. So I clench my vagina muscles, embrace his hard cock tighter, I close my eyes and I moan. I tense my whole body and then start twitching, keeping my mouth open, tensing and releasing my muscles. My reaction, my “orgasm” turns him on and he finally reaches his own climax. I am glad that I have been able to pleasure him, to have been able to help him reach an orgasm. And I am also relieved that it is all over now. No one got hurt.

Making My Partner Feel Good

And then there is the situation when someone is actually trying hard to make you come and it just doesn’t seem to happen. There could be many different explanations to why it doesn’t happen. I might just not be in the mood, or what they are doing is just not doing it for me. The easiest and most pleasurable way for me to get an orgasm is through clitorial stimulation. I love clit orgasms! I can get vaginal and anal orgasms too, and they are awesome! But I would pick a clit orgasm over those any day. I have a pretty big clit and it is not hard to find. But sometimes the right spot is just not being stimulated. It can get frustrating for me, and the person I am playing with, that the seemingly easily reached climax is not happening. So I fake it, to release us both from that frustration. I don’t feel that giving direct feedback in that situation would be helpful. It would kill the mood.

Vaginal orgasms take a while for me to build up, they are harder to get by. It is about constant stimulation of the g-spot for a few minutes. It takes patience. And they definitely don’t always happen. That doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy what is happening, or that I don’t want to engage in sex. If I would want it to stop because I am uncomfortable, I would use the safeword. I want things to continue, I want to have sex. But I also don’t want to make my partner feel bad because they can’t get me there. So I fake an orgasm, for their sake. I want them to feel good about their performance.

Communication is probably better

I wonder if me faking orgasms has to do with the assumption that I think that the best thing in the world is to see that you bring your partner enough pleasure so that they climax. I love making my partner come. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I am a good girl (seee, I am a submissive with the need for validation!). I daresay, giving my partner that kind of pleasure is one of the best sexual experiences for me. And I assume that it is the same for others. But maybe it isn’t? I just don’t want anyone to feel bad, I don’t want to put a dent into their confidence.

It is odd how faking orgasms is the opposite of what I usually believe in when it comes to relationships and sex: that communication is the foundation for all healthy connections. There are maybe ways to gently push your partner into doing the right things during sex, maybe subtle ways to show what feels good for you. But as a submissive that is hard to do, because you are not supposed to be in control, and make decisions. The Dominant is.

I think giving verbal feedback in the moment, might just kill the mood and make my partner feel bad. I suppose the best way to handle the need to fake orgasms in the long run is to talk with your partner about it, not in the moment, but later. Worded in a way that it comes across as constructive feedback and not as a criticism about their sexual abilities.