BDSM Scenes – To Play or Not to Play, That is the Question

There is a general assumption that BDSM play is all about planned through scenes: negotiations beforehand, consent and making sure that everyone has agreed on what is going to happen. It has a lot to do with safety. BDSM always contains a certain kind of power exchange after all, and it is important to make sure that no one feels uncomfortable or gets hurt. What I find interesting in all of this is that it is not necessarily the conventional sexual part that is planned, but the play with pain and control, the setting, the tools used. Well, I don’t like planned scenes because they take away the spontaneity and the flexibility of a power exchange that I enjoy.

No Scenes At Home

Instead, I like looking at my Master’s face and seeing how he is thinking about his next move. I don’t want to know if he is going to make me kneel and give him a blowjob, is going to get out the flogger, or throw me over his knees for a spanking. There needs to be a surprise element , I need to be swept away. I want to feel like I am truly his to play with, that I follow his lead. That is how our sexual power exchange works: my body belongs to him and he can do with me however he pleases. The spontaneous and unplanned element makes that even clearer, I don’t have a say in what is going to happen.

We can do it that way because we have general consent in our relationship. We know each other’s limits, we have built the framework together. And whatever happens within that framework I am okay with. I love the play that we have within that framework: I can be bratty, I can be punished, used and he can be sadistic and controlling. It works for us.

A BDSM scene on the other hand is very different from that. It seems very much like planning a procedure, or a theatre play. You discuss what is going to happen, what tools will be used, if any limits are going to be tested, and how it will end. You of course also discuss things like hard limits, safe words and such. I find those kind of scenes are more common at play and dungeon parties than they are when seasoned D/s partners play with each other at home.

Scenes At Play Parties

When we went to our first play party together, we didn’t have anything planned. The atmosphere made us itch to play though. We hadn’t brought any toys or tools, so we basically used what we had. A piece of clothing to tie me down, his fists and hands to deliciously hurt me. It felt odd though, everyone else seemed so prepared and were carrying around bags with toys, floggers, whips, handcuffs, ropes and more.

So the next time we went to a play party, we were better prepared, too. We had a bag full of things we could use in a scene and once we felt comfortable, we walked to one of the stations where he could cuff me and use floggers and whips on me. But if felt wrong. It just didn’t feel like us. We both really didn’t know what to do, because we were used to more flexibility, more body contact, more of a sexual vibe. Play scenes at play parties are often about impact play, rope play, spanking and such. There are private rooms where you can have sex later, but it is all very sterile and unsexy. I do always like the aftercare areas though, mattresses to hug and snuggle, warm light, people being sensual and caring with each other.

After a few more play parties, we decided that we’d need different rules and a different framework for play than we have at home. The sexual part and flexibility that we were so accustomed to just didn’t fit the more structured scenes that people do at play parties. The usual play that we engaged in, with me being bratty and him overpowering me, didn’t fit well either. So we negotiated scenes for the first time in our relationship. It was so very odd! I quickly realized that my limits were different. I usually need a certain kind of build-up, often involving overpowering me and sexual play too. But we couldn’t really do that in scenes at play parties.

A lot of my new limits had to do with sexual moves and nudity. I feel very uncomfortable with being nude or half-nude in a public space. So it was important for me that he wouldn’t remove any of my clothing, no pulling down bras to torture my nipples, no pulling down my knickers to spank me. I was to be fully clothed. Also, I realized that without the foreplay that we usually engaged in, I couldn’t take pain the same way. I wasn’t able to slip into subspace in public. People watching made me very self-conscious. It felt awkward. So there were certain kind of things he couldn’t do to me in public. We picked the toys that would work and for the first time ever, we planned a scene.

Unfortunately, it didn’t turn out so great. There was a group of younger people at the play party and they got all the attention. Which per se was a positive for me, because nobody was watching us. So I got tied down and we started to play. The not so close body contact made it really hard for me to focus. The group was cheering each other on, applauding, laughing. It made it impossible for us to get in our space with each other and we quickly gave up. He untied me again and we shrugged it off. So our first planned scene really did not go down well.

Enjoyable Play Scenes

There were three scenes that we had at play parties that I very much enjoyed though. They were not planned through as much. We knew what we wanted to do, we set the framework. We knew that the whole tying down on a cross sort of classical scene was not our thing. But there are many different kinds of scenes after all. One of those was a spanking scene. I was on my knees, on a spanking bench. My skirt was pulled up and he spanked me with his hands. The physical closeness of that scene really worked for me. I need to feel his hands on me to feel safe, to feel connected to him. And I was able to be bratty, turn around and poke him a bit. He pushed me back down and leaned over me, showing me his dominance and continued to spank me. It was the first time I ever managed to actually slip into subspace at a play party.

Another scene that was pretty amazing was when we were wrestling on mats on the floor. The space is often for people to try out rope play but no one else was playing there so we took our shoes off and went for it. I could let my inner brat out and we fought really hard. Kicking back, I taunted him, I ran away from him, he overpowered me, he pinched me, he sat on me and starting spanking, slapping and punching me. I had bruises for days after that. And I loved that, because that scene just felt very much like us. Close body contact, fighting for power, playing. And for once I didn’t feel awkward about having an audience, instead I quite enjoyed people talking about our scene with us later, commenting on how much they liked seeing a different kind of play.

A third scene I liked was when I was tied down on a kind of stretcher. My wrists and ankles were in cuffs attached to the table. I couldn’t move much and as we were in the corner of the room, I didn’t really see any other people. That really helped me to let go and enjoy the pain my Master was inflicting on my body. He used a flogger first but then moved on to slaps and punches instead. It got quite intense and I closed my eyes and took it all in. I knew that I didn’t have to worry about him trying to take my clothes off, and no one really saw us. So it was an enjoyable scene.

I understand that planning scenes for play parties is a necessity. The play is different, the vibe is different. The goal is not foremost sexual pleasure. I am glad that we have started to find the kind of scenes that work for us. But at home, when it is just us, I don’t think planning scenes is ever going to be a thing. We love the flexibility and spontaneity of our sexual BDSM play too much for that.