The Need For Aftercare in BDSM and D/s

Aftercare in BDSM is caring for each other after a scene, play or an intense session. It is often an essential part of the relationship between everyone involved in a D/s connection, whether it is a long term romantic relationship or a short term connection for play. It is about mental and physical care. and to make sure that everyone is okay. While the focus of aftercare is often on the submissive, Dominants might need attention in that regard as well. I very much support the concept of aftercare because it is a point of checking in with each other, and of strengthening the connection.

I personally don’t really need aftercare. Somehow I have always found it rather annoying when my ex-Master wanted to cuddle or take care of me after play. It felt like I suddenly had to switch to needing hugs and care, when just seconds ago I was a painslut screaming for more. The contrast was confusing to me, and it also somehow changed my view of him. It felt like he was just playing or pretending to be a tough Dominant or sadist, but really, he was this teddybear Daddy that needed to make sure his babygirl was okay.

I generally like being taken care of. Part of my previous D/s-relationship was the Daddy/babygirl dynamic. But that is outside of sex, outside of the bedroom. Play and BDSM sessions are always very sexual for me (although I often like the emotional relief part just as much) and caretaking or someone appearing soft is just a turn-off for me during those circumstances. I already find the check – ins that my current Master makes during play, asking if I am okay, a tiny bit irritating. It gets me out of the submissive space somehow.

Why aftercare isn’t important to me

I think it has to do with that I am a brat and that I only submit to those that can show me that they are strong enough to actually dom me. So seeing their soft side during play or right after, is a turn off. It makes me feel like they are not that strong Dom that I need in that moment.

And reflecting upon it now, it is most likely also connected to my Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). When engaging in anything sexual, no littles are allowed to front ( = no alters/parts are allowed to engage with others and be present in the front). Sex is solely for those who understand what sex is and can consent to it. That includes a few select teens, but definitely not littles.

The adults in the system are very tough, and strong leaders, who hate the idea of needing help or care. They want to be used, subdued, fucked, hurt, degraded. They don’t want huggies, kissies or cookies. So when play is still in the phase of ebbing out, no littles who would have those needs, are present. And the adults don’t need those things at all, they just move on with their day like nothing has happened. It is what they had wanted, why would they need hugs now?

This might be applicable to those not suffering from DID as well. When a submissive is in subspace or in a place where they want to be hurt, used and degraded, the need for care is just pushed away for the moment. Our perception of pain changes, we float, we want more, more, more. And right after play, the floating submissive space might just still be present. In that space, the need for typical aftercare activities just isn’t there. And some people might just not want physical closeness after an intense session, nor attention.

Aftercare is about YOUR needs

I think it is important to acknowledge that every D/s connection is different, and that every submissive and Dominant, has individual and very personal needs. So it is okay if you need a lot of aftercare, no matter if you are a Dominant or a submissive. I have had discussions with Dominants who needed aftercare just as much because they were physically exhausted, drop from the Dominant high or they struggle with that they just hurt someone who they deeply care about.

It is okay to need aftercare, no matter your role. And it is also okay to not need aftercare at all, or a very specific kind of aftercare. It is just important to discuss these things before play starts, or when you are beginning a new D/s relationship, so everyone gets their needs met. Someone not getting aftercare when they need it can lead to mental and physical scarring, and the other way around, someone being pushed into aftercare might feel very uncomfortable.

There are so many ways to practice aftercare, and there are many lists you can google that offer hundreds of suggestions, from massages, to chocolate, from hugs, to taking a nap together. At play parties, you will often find an aftercare room so if you end up there with your partner, you can also observe what others are doing to get some ideas. From what I have seen, most people like it simple: water, snacks and hugs.

“Aftercare” in my D/s relationship

In my current D/S relationship, aftercare doesn’t play that big of a role. It might seem a bit weird because my Master is also a caretaker Dom and I adore that he makes sure that I am okay most of the time. But during sex and play, I want his sadistic side, his strong Dom side. But for him it might be difficult to sometimes disconnect from the caretaker role, and as I mentioned earlier, he often asks if I am okay during sex, which sometimes pushes me out of the submissive space.

And it happened similarly with my previous Master, who tried to actively make sure verbally that I am okay during and after play. I wonder if it has to do with that the caretaker type of Dominants can’t really ever disconnect from that part of themselves. It is a good thing, really, just not a very sexy thing during and right after play. At least for me.

We do have aftercare routines though but they might just differ from how most D/s couples engage with each other after play. I always need the “good girl”, for instance. The final acknowledgement that I have pleased my Master. If I wouldn’t get that acknowledgment, I think I would struggle a bit mentally as a lot of my submissive endavours in the bedroom are about pleasing him, and being the submissive, masochist and slut that he needs me to be.

He always cleans me off any fluids after play, and I think that is probably the most average aftercare activity we engage in. He wipes me with kitchentowels and makes sure that I am clean before I get up. I like those minutes because it feels like a soothing ending of the session. And it is probably as far as I would go when it comes to physical comforting after play.

After that we both buzz in bliss for a while. We use the bathroom to clean up more, we get dressed and then sit down by each on our own, just slowly coming down after what we have just experienced together. We don’t talk much, we don’t really look at each other. It is just this blissful vibe between us, some sighs, some happy smiles. And it is first when we both have come out of that space, that we really communicate. Sometimes we talk about the play and process it together. Sometimes we make tea and watch a movie. And most of the time we just go on with the rest of our day.

I know it doesn’t sound very romantic. But it is a sort of routine that has evolved naturally for us. And it seems to meet both our needs. There is no pressure, there is no need to focus on the other person when you are still enjoying the wonderful sensations lingering in your body and mind. It works for us.

Just like with most things D/s and BDSM, the only rules that should be followed are that everything that happens needs to be safe, sane and consensual. And I think aftercare is part of that too. Communicating about each other’s needs and trying out different things before you find out what works for you, is always the best path to walk on. And it doesn’t matter if you are an aftercare junkie who needs massages, tea, chocolate and soothing music, or rather want to be left alone. Aftercare comes in many forms, and there is no one true way. Just have fun, and make sure that your emotional and physical needs are met.